To leave over lack of affection

[Lonely04070]

Been with DH for 9 years 1 DD lovely home and lifestyle. Suspect DH has ASD his father has it

DH doesn't ever hug me or touch me first ir give affection we have separate sofas, separate bedrooms he does want sex but very robotic oral on him and same position he doesn't like touching me down there I shower shave and use BV gel he says I smell all the time I asked my closest female friend who would tell me the truth and she says I don't smell.

It seems such a small thing as we do have a good marriage very good friends but the lack of intimacy is getting to me

It does not sound like a small thing!!

It's not just lacking intimacy, he is lacking kindness and a sense of you being a team on an equal footing.

It doesn't sound like you feel he likes you very much? Let alone loves and appreciates you?

Life's too short for someone like this to zap your self confidence and happiness

I'm sorry, but that sounds absolutely miserable. He refuses to touch you, tells you that you smell and insists on only having the sort of sex that he likes? He sounds like a twat, to be honest.

Is he verbally affectionate? Does he compliment you, tell you he loves you, listen to you? What is it that makes your marriage so good that you'd accept this complete lack of physical affection?

Leave.
I know exactly the issues you're talking about, but can say that it doesn't matter why he is like this.

You want more intimacy. He either doesn't or doesn't want to change.

Therefore you're incompatible.

Sounds harsh, but the alternative is spending massive amounts of time and energy trying to get him to change something g he doesn't want to. Or trying to change yourself to something you know won't work (accepting living with no intimacy).

Your friends will not all be lost if you divorce. Maybe some, but not all.

Lay it out - very clearly - for him if you want and give him a very clear time frame (not more then 6 months), if you like, for him to see if he can/will make changes. During that time, you focus on making sure that if the relationship can't continue, that you're in as best a situation as you can be for the future. This isn't you thinking it's over and not giving him a chance, this is you making better circumstances for you which will never be worse for the family if he ends up changing.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting sex, not wanting any intimacy or only wanting a very restricted range of sexual experiences. If both parties don't want/need the same though, it's a compatibility issue, unless you both agree to open the relationship up. There's no other way to make up for the lack of romantic/sexual intimacy. And open relationships can work well for some, but be horrific for others, so I'm not advocating that. Merely pointing out that's the only other option (well, apart from cheating).

It really doesn't seem a small thing.

YANBU

Separate bedrooms, no affection and massive problems with your sex life - I'm sorry op but that's not a "good marriage".

What happens when u talk to him about the issues? Would u consider relationship counselling?

It never gets better. Leave whilst your mental health is intact. 💐

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

I smell all the time

That's a really nasty thing to say to a woman, and bollox in your case as you know.

He doesn't even like touching you? WTAF? If he's just touching you, it wouldn't matter even if you did smell (which you don't) would it?

People are sometimes keen to say a bloke is gay on these boards, but it sounds like he might be gay to me. He doesn't seem to like having anything to do with the female anatomy at all.

How do you get your jollies from this sex at all? (Well, I assume you don't really.) I like penetrative sex but even I would need a bit of 'warming up' to get fully into it.

To leave this bloke would be perfectly reasonable.

He's not a good friend BTW, a good friend wouldn't tell you you smelled when you don't.

I suppose every woman has a slight scent, just like men do, but unless a bloke was gay or something it wouldn't put him off.

Please, please leave. This sounds awful.

I think you will end splitting up at some point because how many more years can you survive without someone desiring you on any level

I don't think he's gay he loves breasts he gropes my breasts and waist but won't touch me down
there I think it's a sensory issue if I spray a tiny bit of perfume he says it stinks can't stand lots of smells.

I have to shower clean myself before we have any sex it's never spontaneous.

Do you feel like he’s just using you for sex like you’re a blow up doll or something? What else is in the relationship? What do you get from him that makes it worthwhile?

Was it always like that or is it something new?

Honestly though, no! It’s definitely not a small thing. To be blunt, if he can put his penis in you he could put his fingers in you. He actually just sounds like a selfish twat.

And even if it IS a sensory issue - do YOU want to live you life like this? Forever?

This sounds like an awful way to live. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have somebody who wants you and makes effort with you

I left my partner of 8 years last year for the same thing.

He's just diagnosed ASD, but I always suspected it. Can't bear certain foods, being too hot, being touched unexpectedly, noises, takes random dislikes to certain people etc. Very rigid in his approach to life.

I managed for 8 years, taking his likes and dislikes into account, but finally the total lack of any kind of intimacy outside of sex broke me. I am honestly happier alone. I've stayed friends with him, because he is the kindest and most lovely man - but only as long as you aren't in a relationship with him!