Was this physical abuse? Confused over my breakup.

[ValiMyers]

I am still processing the break up of a 2 year relationship. I ended it because I didnt feel I was being treated right.
He definitely abused me emotionally, I was gaslit, he would block me if I didnt answer his calls, he messaged other women, smashed several of my phones because he accused me of cheating, he lied. I had to change my behaviour because he would make outlandish accusations, ask to search my house for other men, talked of putting a tracker on my car. Called me horrible names like slut etc...which I am far from being.
One time, I accidentally elbowed him in the nose as I turned over in bed, he immediately clipped me round the ear.
Another time he scared me with his accusations and as I went to leave he put his foot out to trip me up, I had a broken foot at the time.
He also made as if he was going to throw a bike at me when i was shouting at him to leave.
Threw me off the bed once as we were being intimate as he believed I was cheating again.
Do you think this abuse was actually physical?
I am out of the relationship finally, he hasnt tried to get me back, except for a message to say he thinks about me every day. I still feel confused whilst I am processing everything. He always said he loved me and most of the time he was loving towards me, said he wanted a family with me etc. But I knew I couldnt put up with his behaviour.
I just feel like he has gone on his merry way and seems to be enjoying life, whilst I am still left picking up the pieces of my heart.
I know I should be over it all but I am still questioning myself.

Of course this was physical abuse; he literally threw you.

I know I should be over it all

It's not wrong to take a while to get over a thing. If you feel you are completely 'stuck' and can't get past it all, or it's causing you a lot of pain, you could see a therapist. But taking a while to get over a thing, or, if it was very intense (as this was) still remembering it for a long time after, is not abnormal.

I have considered counselling. I have read so much about narcissist abuse, he fits the bill I think. It does seem to be taking me a long time to get over it, its been a couple of months now. Him messaging recently set me back a bit I think. Just feel as though I am constantly going back over things and questioning myself.

I got as far as "he messaged other women" this alone should be the end of a relationship

I definitely think I tolerated far too much.

Time will heal, you got out and will have a better future. Just give yourself time to get over it

I guess I doubt myself that I did the right thing. Deep down, I know I did. Just hurts that he doesnt seem to give a s**t. I shouldnt still care, but I do.

You didn’t take too much. You ended it when you felt able to and for that you are amazing.

You feel confused because he’s an abuser and cleverly made you feel loved so that you would internalise his abusive behaviour and blame yourself. The responsibility for all of that is with him. He didn’t respect you and had huge issues and you deserve to be treated far better.

Well done you for ending it. He is not going on with life merrily, his abusive behaviour will follow him forever as he is the Problem.

Surround yourself with people who love you without frightening you - friends, family, pets. When you feel ready for counselling then it’s a great idea. You could also ring victim support for some phone support at the moment.

He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling. You are a victim of that and it’s not your fault.

The fact that he didn't give a shit says nothing about you or your lovability. It says everything about him. He is incapable of love. With anyone.

He can fake it for a short while. Just long enough to get control.But that's it. He cannot love, and that is not on you.

Thank you.
I do feel I was abused, it started from day one really. I just kept hoping I would change. It all just proves he never loved me. I was his longest relationship, he is 37 with 3 failed (short) relationships that I know of.
I think he saw me as a weak person. I acted badly sometimes to, in reaction to his behaviour. But I recognise my own faults and work on them,whereas he never would.
I am surrounding myself with friends now and I have a gorgeous pet cat who I love very much. I think that really helps.

As long as you don't get back with him, take as long as you need to recover. Just don't get sucked back in.

Do you think this abuse was actually physical?

Yes to the above.

Yes, it was physical as well as emotional.

The fact that he didn't give a shit says nothing about you or your lovability. It says everything about him. He is incapable of love. With anyone.

X 100.

He doesn't sound like a good, decent, or well.adjusyed person.

In fact he's pathologically jealous, suspicious and an emotional and physical abuser.

So why worry about his feelings/caring - do you really think he's capable of truly caring for someone. Not bloody likely.

Even if he is (nope) - who'd want to be the object of his affection FFS?!

Even if he didnt abuse the woman personally, he's abused others. Which makes him a c*by and capable of turning on her at any time.

Yes, he's terribly abusive in every way.
Have you done the Freedom programme?

I think the gaslighting has much deeper psychological impact than we realise, even after re recognise we have experienced abuse.

My ex was psychological, sexually and physically abusive. He used to say to me that yes domestic abuse is wrong, but in my case I was so bad it was justified. We were together about 2 yrs.

I believed that until about 10 yrs later when I was happily married to someone else. It was only then that something clicked within me and I realised that actually it wasn't me, it was just more gaslighting.

Don't worry about how long it takes for you to recover compared to him. He's like that because he's looking for his next victim. You will get past this.

Yeah my mind feels torn between remembering the good times when he was nice, and the abusive jealous episodes and accusations.
I read old texts sometimes and wonder where it went wrong. Some of the texts are abusive though.
He could turn from being really horrible to really sweet.
I think I still feel bad about my part in it too. As a result of him messaging other women I no longer trusted him and became suspicious myself. I felt like I was a low priority for him and I sometimes lashed out with nasty texts myself. He just never seemed to understand or listen to how I felt.
I know it doesn’t really matter anymore.
I just always thought things would get better if I kept trying and they never did.
I had to give up in the end as he completely prioritised his friends, partying etc over me. My self respect had taken a beating but it was still there.

I haven’t done the Freedom Programme,will look into it.