Dreading Visiting My Mother

[SilverLiningSearching]

Seeing DM today for the first time since lockdown, and frankly wish I could get out out of it.
She will no doubt be disappointed that I am still overweight and will continue to remind me of this throughout the visit.
She will minimise my continued struggles as a single parent fighting to get her ASD son the education setting and support he needs ( she refused to agree/admit DS has ASD until he was 10). She has always done the bare minimum regarding DS compared to other grandparents.

If a bad life event happens she just doesn’t want to hear about it, toxic positivity perhaps? As a consequence when my son and I were nearly made homeless last year, I didn’t even tell her.
She also thinks she has a monopoly on grief, with not one word of comfort for me losing my DD ( 11 years passed) they had a terrible marriage!

The lockdown has given me time to reflect on our relationship, and I’ve realised how much I’ve enjoyed NOT seeing her during lockdown.

Is anyone else dreading seeing family members again?

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. Your mother is no different.

Why do you have to see her at all if her company makes you feel like this?. She seems like an utter drain on your life and remains unsupportive and critical.

I feel your pain.
I haven’t spoken to my mother since September as she said some really nasty things to me for which she has not apologised. I feel I ought to see her, but like you it will be lots of loaded comments or bitchy remarks. I can’t be bothered. I feel so guilty though.

Carry on not seeing her
If not seeing her brought this clarity that you don't miss her and don't want to see her then use that knowledge to go non or very low contact

Why are you seeing her? Are you forming a support bubble? If you are I would choose someone else as she will not be any support.

OP I have a very similar mother!

A few years ago I went for counselling and basically learned to be strong and to protect my mental health which resulted in me pulling back massively from her. She didn’t like it, but I did it and I kept doing it because the less time I spent with her the clearer I was able to see her.

And I have not missed her one bit during lockdown, it has been amazing not being pressured to go there either but her or other family members. She’s extremely toxic.

My advice, expect nothing in the way of support from her, and tell her nothing that is going on in your life. As far as she needs to know everything is good. Visit, if you want, but only stay for as long as suits you. You have to protect your own mental health.

You don't have to visit her. But I understand your guilt if you didn't.
Clear your head, practice how you'll react and respond. Write in down and keep it with you. Be ready for how much you are prepared to verbally take from her.
Remember, if you do see her you can leave when you wish. Just don't do it in upset or temper, do it peacefully and with dignity.
You know the signs she gives when the insults and harsh words are about to escalate. Be prepared.

Unfortunately she has no family left, my sister disappeared years ago ( another topic for different thread), and I couldn’t live with the guilt of going NC, she asked for me to be her support bubble. Also DS loves her as he doesn’t ‘get’ the loaded comments and bitchy remarks.
Will be definitely scaling things back though.

Good advise @whiteblue, will try that.

She also expects me to cut her hair today- I’m not even a hairdresser, and of course it will go wrong. Cue more disparaging remarks..

Could you leave DS with her for an hour and you go off for a walk, so they have time together but you don’t have to put up with her comments

she expects u to play hairdresser and then moan?
so why do it?

if she was a friend you`d soon dump her!

just because she is your mum, doesnt mean youre tied to her . you are an adult. Keep visits short, don`t share details. Are you supposed to be taking scissors to do the cutting? "forget"/ "lose" them.

Yes the hair thing is typical of her really, I will be ‘forgetting’ the scissors. She is going to expect me to make a really big fuss over her but I just can’t be arsed with it.
If she does my head in I will remember an errand/ shop trip that I have to make and leave DS with her for a bit.
Honestly I’m not surprised my DF used to drink, I would go mad if I lived with her.

Read about FOG because you seem mired in it. outofthefog.website/

Is your dad in your life now?.

Re your comment:-
"Unfortunately she has no family left, my sister disappeared years ago ( another topic for different thread), and I couldn’t live with the guilt of going NC, she asked for me to be her support bubble. Also DS loves her as he doesn’t ‘get’ the loaded comments and bitchy remarks.
Will be definitely scaling things back though."

Scale things back now, you can cancel your visit.

Was your mother's behaviours the reason for your sister leaving as she did?. Your mother has no remorse about the ways she is treating you and your son will pick up on her ill treatment of you as his mother. It will do him no favours for him to see you being so disrespected like you are by his nan.

It also appears that she was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed since that time. Disordered of thinking people like this do not make for being decent role models of grandparents either. You may also want to have a look at the current well we took you to stately homes thread on these Relationships pages.

If you do leave her and go out for an errand, take your son with you and do not leave him alone with your mother.

Thanks for the link @AttilaTheMeerkat.
I’ve never looked at this site before , some food for thought.

Dad died a few years ago. She seems to have got worse as I’ve grown up. Due to DS having ASD he doesn’t pick up on a lot of her behaviour.
If I cancel today I will never hear the end of it, will make it a short one though.

How did you get on @SilverLiningSearching?

Hope you had an ok day yesterday, OP

It seemed that she was on her best behaviour (just a couple if pointed glares at my over weight tummy), I didn’t cut her hair, she didn’t believe that I ‘forgot the scissors though, but didn’t make a fuss like she usually would.
But, she declared that she wished she’d never moved in her sheltered housing flat and that she prefers a house, and she hates her neighbour downstairs. By pure coincidence I am looking to buy a house in the next 12 months. DS piped up’ you can come and live with us granny, when we buy our house’. She looked at me and I just smiled at DS.
So then she says that she could come over to stay sometimes to help me. It’s hilarious, she has only had DS overnight 3 times in 11 years. I was on my knees when he was a baby (poor sleeper) and she was very much ‘you made your own bed’.
I just pointed out that she also had problems with her neighbours when she lived in a house and she could always transfer to a different flat on the site when one becomes available.

Gosh OP. DO NOT have her living with you!! Every day would be a nightmare with her sniping at you at close quarters and, actually, adding to your workload as she would not be contributing in any way either in helping with your son or in YOUR home.

Also beware of her offering you money towards your new home So you can buy a bigger property (which she could move into) or use as a stick to best you with. For your sake she's better in her sheltered housing..

Strength OP. 🌹

@SilverLiningSearching
She was on better behavior mode as she sensed a small change in you. You handled things well.
I was in exactly your position for years and then went very very LC for 1 year. Did a lot of research on how to handle things etc etc. When I went back to see her after 1 year it was with a whole different attitude. She could see straightaway that I was happy and confident for the first time ever as I'd not had her constant personal negative remarks upsetting me, and I chose to believe my DH and friend's opinion of me. It completely changed the dynamic, completely. And I have methods that I use to ensure she doesn't break me into pieces again.
I don't want to make this about me at all so I'll stop now.
Don't let her have power over you, just don't. Power over your self worth is yours, not hers.

I'm sorry OP, she sounds awful and I can relate with my Mother! So many similarities.
It can't be a coincidence surely that she has had trouble with neighbours before, is there a chance she could have been the cause of the issues?! I know my Mum has a history of falling out with friends, family and neighbours spanning 50 years but of course she is never at fault!
My lovely Dad was stuck with her too until he sadly passed away.
It is exhausting listening to the constant negativity. That's why I speak to her only on occasion. I am lucky my sister lives with her and so she has got her favourite child by her side leaving me off the hook most of the time. But at least I know she has company especially throughout this pandemic.
Anyway I don't mean to digress, I think keeping contact at a minimum is a must for your own sanity. I feel for you having to deal with her on your own.
Can you call her out every time she makes a barbed comment and advise her it is unacceptable and you will leave if she continues? If you repeat this each time is there a chance she will learn?
I wish you luck OP, I feel your pain.