Feeling lost - wife no longer 'in love'

[strangerfiction]

Hi all,

I'm looking for advice on what I see as an incredibly complicated situation. I love my wife, we have two little kids together but a few months ago my wife told me she was unhappy.

I was quite surprised as I didn't see it coming, but she told me she'd known something had been wrong for a few years. Reluctantly I agreed to a trial separation which ended shortly before the lockdown and we agreed to try to work on things together.

Essentially, my wife says she is no longer 'in love' with me. We drifted apart over a number of years and work stresses and other outside factors contributed to this. I still feel 'in love' with her, so I am not sure what to do.

We have agreed to stay together to work on things for a few months at least, but if I try to show her how much I love her it seems to drive her away. If I keep my distance I worry that feels like it won't be any different to the way things have been previously.

I think some of our issues come from us both working together at home, which has been the case for just over a year now. I also moved to the area originally to be with my wife, so I have few friends around here. I'm planning to work away from my wife more, perhaps by getting office space somewhere, and to really work at getting my own friends so she doesn't feel like I am always around her all the time. But what else can I do?

Is this worth trying or would it be less painful to admit defeat and for both of us to move on whilst putting the childrens' needs at the centre of everything? I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you.

On MN the first question anyone would ask is if you know whether there is someone else because it sounds like she’s giving you the cheaters script. ‘Loves but isn’t in love’, making the difficulties is the relationship your fault because you don’t have friends/are there all the time. Does she criticise you a lot?

She admitted she had feelings for someone else a few months ago but it came to nothing. I think she wants to have those feelings of being 'in love' after this happened and would like them to come back to feeling them about me but is that possible and what can I do to help it without forcing it?

If you're working on your relationship, can't you discuss this with her?

So sorry you're going through this. About three years ago I realised that I'd fallen out of love with my husband. I posted (on another forum) and most people said that I should leave, and that once the spark had gone it wouldn't come back. But I decided to give it one last push. I thought about all the things that made me fall in love with my husband in the first place, and we started doing more of the things we'd done back then (datey things, even silly things like going bowling). I don't know why but something clicked back into place and now we are closer than we ever have been. I know it's the opposite way round for you, but perhaps this offers you some hope that things can turn around if your wife is prepared to work at it. Maybe talk to her about the good times and how you can get back to that place.

Aside from that it is really positive that you've identified the work situation as something that isn't helping, and something it sounds like you can change.

All the very best to you

She has the “ick” now unfortunately. You must immediately stop trying to show her You love her & attempting to be romantic because it is repelling her further.

Do you lift your weight with parenting / chores ? Do you take time to be husband & wife not just mum & dad ?

It sounds like the lockdown forced you guys to move back in & try for the sake of it, as you’re stuck in lockdown together. To be honest once one person has “the ick” the relationship is doomed.

You don’t mention if the kids were planned etc, i don’t mean to upset you but we’re you a convenient “sperm donor” to make a family with ?

If I were you having a partner with the ick for me - break up immediafely, disconnect from her, work on myself, focus on my hobbies, download tinder.

Not everyone agrees with the alpha / beta theory but right now you are deep in beta land. The only way to make her want you again sexually is to stop being a sap waiting there desperately for her to decide to love you again.

You won’t be able to “nice” your way out of this one, unless maybe her issues were over you slacking off as a parent. Possibly then becoming more engaged may help.

I would also consider if your interactions may be too frequently sexual. You’re always trying to show her you love her - well how ?

Picking up on some of the things you've said I would imagine your wife feels stifled by you- working together, living together and then you not having friends that you can do things separately with. Are you around all the time- even pre lockdown? Do you have hobbies? I think addressing the work and social life might help.

When things are back to normal I would make sure you're pulling your weight at home, try and get on of the house to work, carve some time so that you and dw can do things you enjoy separately and then perhaps you'll both feel happier to come together.