I don't know if I can go on like this

[RNight]

Long story short, my and my fiancé are in the middle of buying an apartment. But because of corona this has been delayed by a lot longer than we hoped.

We had a baby a few weeks ago and because of the situation I’m only able to see her and the baby at the weekend because I’m working and she’s still in her parents house. We were hoping to be in the apartment before we had the baby but that didn’t happen.

Since we had the baby things have gone from bad to worse, things were okay at first but gradually over the weeks it has got to a stage where she’ll barely even talk to me when I’m there. On top of that, she barely even texts me during the week either now. If I ask how our daughter is doing I just get “she’s fine” back.

I’ve been finding it hard enough only being able to see my daughter at the weekends, and it being in her parents house on top of that makes it even harder. But now she doesn’t even want me to stay overnight anymore so I’ll have pretty much no time to spend with my child. Any time I ask what’s wrong she says nothing is wrong and won’t respond when i ask why she won’t even talk to me. I try to call her and talk about things and she won’t answer the phone. And we can’t talk when I’m with her because her parents are there. She says things will be fine when we move into the apartment but this has been going on for weeks now and I can’t see how moving in together is going to make things okay.

I think that she might be suffering from postpartum depression but any time I ask her to talk about it she shuts me out. I feel so far removed from anything got to do with my daughter right now and it hurts so bad and she doesn’t seem to care. And now I can’t stay over anymore because she doesn’t want me there and when I am there the atmosphere is so bad that i just can’t handle it.

Has anyone been in this situation before? If I didn't suspect postpartum depression I'd be gone by now.

Mate, it's been 'a few weeks'? That's nothing, let her bond with the baby ffs. This isn't about you.

So you're saying it's normal to just push me completely out of the picture and not talk to me anymore because she needs to bond with the baby? Do fathers not have a look in?

No, it's not normal, not normal at all. Normally you'd already be in your own home with your dp, and she'd have done her "nesting" thing to make your home ready for the baby, and the three of you would bond as a family.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, and agree there may be some PND. What was your relationship with her parents like before all this?

Thanks Hirples. My relationship with the parents is good. When I'm there I end up talking more to the parents than I do to my partner. This is the lowest I've ever been in my whole life and I just don't know how to approach things. I'm stepping away from things because that is what she wants, but it's soul destroying when people ask me about my baby and I have to make up stories as if I'm actually there experiencing it.

I know if it is PND it makes things extremely difficult, but I can't understand how that turns into not wanting me to even be there to help out and bond with my own child. I just feel useless right now.

Maybe rent somewhere in the meantime so you can be together?

Unfortunately we can't afford that right now Plumpi, we're in the middle of the purchase so we can't commit to a rental lease

It's a positive that you can talk to her parents. Is there any way you can get them to talk to her on your behalf? It really isn't good (or normal) that she's excluding you, assuming you're a decent human being. (You are, aren't you?)

That sounds really tough. I think it’s just a case of eyes on the prize, she’s probably knackered and a bit down and when the three of you are settled in your new place you’ll have lots of bonding time together, it’s just a little bit further now, do what you can to band you all together and keep your spirits up in the meantime and you’ll get there.

Of course it's about the op too. Doesn't the op get to bond with their baby as the other parent?
Unless there's a huge backstory of maltreatment or safety risk.

Yes Hirples, I'm a decent human. (I hope!) I wouldn't talk to her parents behind her back, I know she'd hate that so I'm leaving that up to her if she want's to.

That's what I'm hoping for Gammon, I'm just hanging on right now hoping that things will be okay when we have our own place. I just feel a bit resentful right now, and I know that's probably unfair if she is dealing with PND but I'm finding the whole situation very difficult.

The only sensible thing to do,, as you get on with her parents, is to try and speak to them if you can see them, and try and get some insight, to what is going on with your partner. It is a very sad situation for you I must agree.

Were you present for the birth of your baby, and was it an easy birth, without any complications etc. I am just saying this , in case it was a traumatic time, and maybe affected your partner in some way.

I don't think it would be talking about her behind her back if you were simply expressing your feelings, rather than "complaining" about her behaviour, iyswim. But I know others might feel different, and a post-natal, hormone-riddled and possibly depressed person probably would, and you know her while I don't. I have no further suggestions, do hang on in there, but how that works in practice I have no idea. Would she/her parents/you be ok with you sleeping on the sofa, so you can see and bond with your baby while not sharing her space? (Bed/room, privacy if breastfeeding...)

I know what you mean 1forall, but I just think that will make things worse. I've been so tempted to do it but I know she'll flip out if I bring it up with them.

Yeah I was there for the birth, due to corona I was only allowed to be there until she was born and then I had to leave straight afterwards. They F'd up the epidural and she was suffering for a week after but things were actually okay during that time.

Thanks Hirples, I really appreciate the replies. Her parents are okay with me staying there as much as I want, her father rang me the night of the birth and said I'm welcome to stay any time I want and they've been great ever since. But she doesn't want me there right now so I'm not forcing it.

I think Corona has just multiplied things times 100 because there's nowhere to escape to during the day.

Could you stay somewhere nearby, and her parents bring the baby to see you? It's just so wrong you're not getting the. chance to fall madly in love with your own child, when that love is what is going to get you (all) through the shitty times to come. (There are always shitty times. You're in one now and I'm so sorry I can't help.)

Tbh you sound a bit demanding, OP. She's probably absolutely exhausted from caring for her newborn and it sounds as though you are making a lot of demands on her attention, conversation etc. It must be hard if you aren't there much to try and fit in, but she hasn't slept through the night in weeks.

@RNight Of course you have every right to be there. I think maybe talking to her parents is the way forward, you're not asking too much, it's your baby too. I'm so sorry, hopefully they can help by talking to her and possibly finding out what's going on.

Are you working away? I don't understand why you only see her at the weekend otherwise.

A newborn is utterly exhausting when there's two parents to take it in turns with the night feeds and constant 'milk, nappy, sleep, scream' cycle. I can't even imagine how she's feeling right now.

Why haven't you taken parental leave to help her with the baby? If my husband had left me during the week to work when we had DD I'd have divorced him - sorry.