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Original poster

My boyfriend & my son

24 replies

wwwsss · 12/06/2020 22:12

Would just really like some opinions please. I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years and it’s a great relationship we love each other. However, in the future I would like to take the next step and live together when I asked him about this he said that he didn’t think he could live with my 15 year old son. This came as a complete shock as he’s great with my son and my son really likes him. I can’t help feeling hurt is this a dealbreaker? It’s like he wants to wait until my son leaves home. Any advice please.....

OP posts:
maybemu · 12/06/2020 22:13

Have you asked him why he feels like that?

Dollyrocket · 12/06/2020 22:13

Has he said why he can’t live with your son?

Ragwort · 12/06/2020 22:15

I think he's being very honest and sensible. It would be really tough for your DS if he moved in, however well they get on. I have a teenage DS & it's a very tricky age.

Assuming you and your BF are in a happy relationship why the need to move in together?

HatRack · 12/06/2020 22:15

More info required

category12 · 12/06/2020 22:17

Seems quite sensible - living together isn't the be all and end all - it'll save friction and be easier for your ds as well, who may not rate having him move in.

Whenwilllifebenormal · 12/06/2020 22:18

He must have his reasons. Maybe he just doesn’t want to overstep or get in the way. 15yo’s can be hard work and territorial so I wouldn’t view it as a dealbreaker necessarily. It could be that’s he’s trying to be respectful and your son will move out in the near future so he thinks it’ll be easier on everyone to wait. If you say they get on really well, then maybe he just doesn’t want anything to go sour.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/06/2020 22:18

Why wouldn't you want to wait until your son leaves home? It seems sensible.
However your son may need to come to stay back at home for weeks/months in future so I guess he'd need to be prepared for that if you do move in together in future.

Original poster
wwwsss · 12/06/2020 22:19

He has kids but their both grown up and live away although they both never lived with him full time I think that maybe the problem. He’s happy living alone

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/06/2020 22:20

You need to think whether you are desperate to live with a man right now. Your son will go off to live elsewhere in a very short time - perhaps make the most of your time with him until he goes?

thistimelastweek · 12/06/2020 22:21

I get where he's coming from .
You can like someone a lot, doesn't mean you want to live with them. The relationship has to change If you are under the same roof.
It's not necessarily a slight on your son, just knowing oneself.
You and your boyfriend need to have a talk.

Original poster
wwwsss · 12/06/2020 22:21

I’m 51 my son could be living with me for another 10 years I don’t want to be on my that long

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 12/06/2020 22:24

It would be a deal breaker for me. Nobody knows how life is going to pan out and there are lots of adult children who end up living back with their parents (economic reasons - extremely likely to be an issue for many of the young generation now - relationship breakdown, illness etc). I wouldn't want to feel that I could never offer a home to my child, whatever their age, because my partner would disapprove or stand in the way.

Original poster
wwwsss · 12/06/2020 22:37

Exactly he’s my youngest I don’t want or never would push him out. Also I would always want him to feel he could come back once he did leave

OP posts:
achillesratty · 12/06/2020 22:41

You wouldn't be on your own, you would still be in a relationship just not living together. I am a similar age and my OH has his 16 year old son 50/50, I like his son, we get on but I would rather gnaw my own leg off than live with a teenager again.

I had my children when I was young and they are in their 30's now and I don't want to live with a teenager even though I adore my OH so there is no way I would consider moving in with him full time or them moving in here.

Crystalspider · 12/06/2020 22:46

It would be a dealbreaker, if your not wanting the same commitments then don't continue.

SandyY2K · 12/06/2020 22:48

It's also worth thinking that even though your son likes him...he wouldn't necessarily want to live with your BF either.

It would be a man who isn't his dad living in his home.

backseatcookers · 12/06/2020 22:50

It's a dealbreaker then.

They're shit, dealbreakers often are but there's literally no alternative.

Cut your losses if you wouldn't be happy having a long term relationship where you wouldn't live together,

Otherwise you're absolutely delaying the inevitable.

And don't tell your son that's why you split at any point. One of my friends mums told her she'd split with a boyfriend as he didn't want to move in, as if my friend should feel grateful...!

sunflowersandtulips50 · 12/06/2020 23:07

why do you want to live together? cant you just enjoy being in a relationship. If anything happens with me and my OH I have zero interest in living with any man ever again. My DC will always be my number 1 priotiy and not some bloke ... I never understand this view that men and women should live together as a natural next step as it usually is a pain in the arse and requires alot of compromise on both sides

iknowimcoming · 12/06/2020 23:09

I have a friend who has been with a guy for nearly 10 years, he's 51 and he's never been married, engaged or lived with any partner, and he has said for years he wouldn't live with her whilst her son was still at home, well her son has been at uni for 2 years and guess what? Yep still living separately and when lockdown started her son came home from uni and he stayed at his house alone. That's 10 years she's wasted on this commitment-phobe Sad

AlwaysCheddar · 13/06/2020 07:38

Dealbreaker, time waster.

Jkslays · 13/06/2020 07:45

Respect that he is being honest with you rather than moving in and being a total arsehole to your son.

But yeah you’ve come to a point in your relationship where you both know now that your not really on the same path

pumpkinpie01 · 13/06/2020 07:58

I do think that's a bit odd if he likes your son , gets on with him and loves you why wouldn't he want to make the commitment to moving in in the future.

Ragwort · 13/06/2020 17:32

Ask yourself why it is so important that you have to live together?

Do you feel he isn't 'committed' enough to you because he won't live with you? Have you any genuine reason to believe that? Do you just feel you 'need' a man around all the time?

Imagine all the drama of shared finance, who's house would you live in, drawing up wills to uncle all eventualities and all the children ... nightmare.

And if he's never even lived with his own children and I can quite understand why he wouldn't want to live with someone else's. You've said it yourself 'he is happy living alone' ... and he is being honest by recognising that.

And what message would he be sending to his own children, even though they are now adult, by moving in with someone who still has a child at home, that could be very upsetting.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 13/06/2020 21:31

It sounds like he's been very honest - he gets on well with your teenage son, but doesn't want to live as part of your family unit. He is being sensible about the fact that that would change their (and your) relationship massively - he'd become more of a step parent, combine finances, lose his personal space, etc.

Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker for you - are you happy with the relationship as it is, or are you looking for a Co parent right now?

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