Messy divorce – where's it all going to end?

[SleeplessinSurrey]

I've changed my name for this (in a paranoid sort of way ? I would not want anyone involved to recognise me).

My brother and SIL have been going through a messy divorce for the last few months. I'm trying to stay impartial ? I'm sure there are faults on both sides and I don't want to be judgemental but I feel it's important to offer a listening ear both to my SIL and the kids, as they are probably going to move abroad and I don't want to lose touch. However a lot of the stuff going on is extremely personal and I'm finding it difficult to deal with.

Basically, it sounds as though my B is going through a bit of a mid-life crisis (although this has been going on for some time). Without going into too much detail, there have been several affairs as well as lots of other difficult and unpleasant stuff over the past few years. Last night my SIL rang to tell me the latest ? it seems she's discovered he's been visiting what she terms 'ladies of the night' on a fairly regular basis whilst on business trips. I am totally shocked and disgusted by this ? I've known for some time that he's no angel, but this really seems to me seedy old man territory and I'm not sure what to do with this information.

I haven't felt able to talk to DH about this ? partly because I'm not 100% sure it's true ? SIL has been known to exaggerate in the past ? but partly because I feel so disgusted and ashamed that a member of my family is involved in something so sordid. Part of me feels as though I'd rather not have known ? somehow faults like drinking and gambling and being generally unreliable feel easier to take on board. I feel desperately sorry for the kids (teenagers), who have been really upset by the whole situation, and as well as angry and disappointed, I also feel desparately sad about my B's self-distructive bahaviour and worried about where it's all going to end.

Not sure what the answer is ? I just felt I needed to share this with someone.

I am sorry that you are being involved in this and not allowed to stay impartial. Would take what your SIL says with a pinch of salt, would assume (for your own wellbeing) that your B, whilst on business trips, is doing nothing more than visiting lap-dancing clubs with clients (seedy, but not that unusual) - this is easier said than done of course.

I think you should tell your DH just for moral support and so that you have someone to talk to about it - if you don't it could all blow up in the wrong direction if you see what I mean.

do you have a good relationship with your brother? Good enough to say you are concerned about him, while not mentioning specific things?

Maybe worth telling your SIL that although you are there for her, and do want to be impartial, you really don't want/need details - surely she has non-family friends that she could confide in?

Do you think this latest behaviour is a symptom of their problems or part of the problem IYKWIM?

I think its really difficult to remain impartial when a couple are splitting up. It sounds like they are better off apart. I would make it clear to SIL that you want to remain on good terms and are very sympathetic. However surely it is better that she lets off steam with her female friends/relatives rather than you - it is your brother she is talking about after all. Lots of men visit prostitutes sometimes especially if they are not getting it at home. Not to say I approve - I would worry about STDs etc but I think this is more common than we like to think. Soon this will all be over and hopefully you can be friendly. Personally I think it is difficult to retain the same level of closeness after a divorce with both partners however but I guess that depends if you don't mind keeping certain areas "off limits".

Thanks, both of you. Good advice, catgirl ? I think you may right. I know that part of my worry is that SIL isn't very tactful by nature, and doesn't really consider how these kind of details will affect other people. Understandably, I think she feels the need to let off steam (and probably wants to punish my B at the same time by making sure everyone knows about his behaviour.) As you suggest, I'm sure she does have other friends she could confide in ? perhaps I'll try to put that to her. In the meantime, I'll try and think about lapdancing clubs rather than anything more sordid, which actually could well be the case.

Stickynote ? I'm sure it may be a symptom. Who knows what goes on inside someone else's marriage?

Thanks, both of you for your support.

Agree with both Neena and Catgirl - no-one knows exactly what goes on in a marriage apart from those in it and for you to be able to maintain a good relationship with both of them after the dust has settled, you'll have to take a step back. Good luck, it's a grim position to be in for everyone .