Has anyone ever been caught in this circle?

[Babypiggy]

Hi all. Advice pls. I was in a relationship which I ended as my partner wouldnt commit to me in the way I wanted - he was also someone that used silent treatment/ withdrawal as a form of control. Basically promised me the earth and under delivered. I have gone through a tough divorce and currently co parent with exH who is lets just say hard work and knows how to upset me. My relationship with ex boyf ended Nov last year. We have been through periods of not speaking sometimes for weeks but always end up getting in touch. Nothing changes and same problems still exist. I sometimes rely on him quite a lot for emotional support ( this was a theme of our rship) and thats need often due to situ with exH. I am very fortunate though and have a great family who also support me. In other areas of life (aside from relationships) i am relatively good and sensible. This ex boyf i cant seem to leave behind even though I know our rship is toxic,going no where and the way he bas treated me as times is bloody cruel. What is wrong with me please? I am wasting time and loosing respect for myself. Has anyone been through anything similar? Thanks

Click the block button on phone, email, FB, everything.

Trust me, it's easy and you'll feel good afterwards having known you've done the right thing.

NoMore ive done all that and ashamed to say that in moments of lonliness and weakness ive unblocked. I get so cross with myself

Consider counselling (BACP are good) for your own self to work out exactly why this ex bf of yours has had such a hold over you.

What are your boundaries like here?.

What too did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Are you codependent in relationships?. Are you a people pleaser, a rescuer or a saviour?. Read about this and the website called Baggage Reclaim.

It sounds like you went from one crap and or otherwise abusive relationship straight into another such relationship (this is a common scenario because boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, get further mashed by the new abusive man who can pick up emotional vulnerability to exploit a mile off).

Love your own self for a change.

I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme online because your ex bf here was and remains abusive. He is not all you perhaps still think you deserve.

It sounds like you need someone to talk to when your exH is being dick.

Can you reduce the amount/impact of nonsense from exH?

Can you find someone else to be your shoulder to cry on when exH does get to you so much you need to reach out? A friend? A sister? Post on MN? A counsellor?

You have to decide that your worth more than bad treatment from him, to be firm with yourself not to reach out to him.
Even if you don't want to be single it's still the better option than having a toxic person in your life and be happy being single, reflect and work on your self esteem.

I really do get cross with myself. There was a woman on here that got dumped by text and never even replied. I wish i had that willpower - ive made so many mistakes

He sounds toxic. The whole cycle ending in silent treatment could be a narcissistic abusive relationship. There are loads of good podcasts out there helping identify toxic or narc relationships and how to break free. I've been dealing with this recently and these have been an eye opener. These relationships drive you actually mad. It can take years to break free. Finding the information that explains what they are doing and how you are responding is the first step.

I think it's important to recognise that lowering your standards because you're lonely/bored/whatever else and struggle to confront that is not the way forward OP. He isn't someone you should want in your life on the basis that you deserve better. He can't offer you what you need and is abusive - he isn't your friend.

I would consider the websites already suggested, or read up on codependency and see if that resonates, consider counselling. Other women who hold firm are not inherent stronger or 'better' than you- everybody has it in them to prioritise their dignity or self esteem and learn to identify and reject things that challenge that.

It is hard but they are lessened behaviours. Learn to identify when you feel a need to speak to him and before doing it sit down, write down how you're feeling and why you feel a need to contact him. Then thi k about what he is really like and ways to let the urge pass- distract if necessary. Put your phone away and go and do something, anything, or speak to a friend or family member.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to come back with fantastic advice. I need to take it now and work with it. I really do need to be strong

@Babypiggy

I really do get cross with myself. There was a woman on here that got dumped by text and never even replied. I wish i had that willpower - ive made so many mistakes

Ah, I remember that poster, but not her name. She got through the shock and pain by posting on here, where she was very well supported, and focusing on herself as much as possible.

Hiya i thought I would update on here to say I am jusy approaching a month NC with my ex. I do feel better for it and although i havent yet met the love of my life i do feel slightly better. This little thread took some time to kick in for me in terms of ending contact completely bu has been a fantastic reference point for me. Id love to hear some stories of how people found love in mid to late 30s