How to stop letting horrible ex get me down

[Fedupwiththis2020]

We have a DD together who is 14 months. I just can’t deal with his up and down mood swings. I’m so consistent, never moan about anything, when he wants to see her for extra days on top of the set ones we stick by I’ve never denied it, he’s introduced her to two different women already but I’ve obviously had to support that because it’s none of my business and if I dared say anything it’d be hell on Earth.
He’s nice one minute, then I do something to annoy him and then all of a sudden he punishes me by saying he won’t be contacting me whilst he has DD for the weekend to let me know how she is.
This week it’s blown up because I’ve got a new job and he doesn’t like the people I’ll be working for so he’s got a shitty on about that. He’s coming to pick her up tomorrow and I feel sick to be honest. He just controls my emotions and always makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.
The other week he had a huge go at me because I bought DD some bottles for his house and called me controlling and implying he can’t buy things for her himself but then a few days later messaged asking me to create a bundle of clothes to give to him as he has nothing for her to wear at his house?!
It’s so up and down and I never know what version of him will be turning up at the door and I don’t know what I’m going to say or do next that sets him off. I feel like the way he has spoken to me and treated me throughout the whole pregnancy until now has been vile and he doesn’t appreciate that despite how awful he’s been I’ve never ever been difficult. He is always changing goal posts, not happy with something, cancelling and pretending it’s because I didn’t make it clear when he was next having her even though I know full well it was discussed.
How the fuck do people do this? He sucks any happiness out of my life and I constantly feel panicked about the impact he will have on our DD with his erratic, sulky attitudes and flakey relationships.
I just want to rant and be understood. People IRL don’t see why I get so upset by him but it’s been a constant process of him chipping away at me and making me feel like I’m hard work. He frequently tells me how lucky I should feel that he wants to be involved with DDs life and there’s loads of men out there who don’t bother. I’m sorry but why should I drop to my knees and thank him for assuming responsibility of a child he created with me? I do not expect to be thanked for anything I do, because that’s the choice I made when I became a mum.
He is totally insufferable.

That was longer than I intended it to be. But I HAD to air this. I cannot say any of this to him because it never ends well but keeping it all inside makes me feel like I’m going to explode

I’m sorry you’re going through this, his behaviour sounds immature and frustrating. Would it be possible, once lockdown is over, to have a session of mediation together to put a more concrete plan together in terms of your daughter’s time with each parent, etc. Does he pay CM?

Unfortunately he is still trying to control you through your daughter. It's nothing to do with him where you work or what you do now but he is trying to keep you in line even though you're not together anymore with emotional blackmail surrounding your daughter.

You will always have to deal with this man as he's your DD dad but you don't have to put up with this. You have to toughen up. I understand you want to keep things amicable, I did the same with my ex because while we were friendly I got updates on my ds while he was there and everything just seemed easier. But you shouldn't have to deal with these moods and controlling behaviour. Understand he's under no obligation to contact you unless there's an emergency when she's in his care and as hard as it is you will have to get used to that and trust him to take care of her.

If you had a court order in place it would stop him being able to demand extra days and you'd have a stable and set routine. If things get really bad (as they often do to begin with when bullies are stood up to) then can you get someone else to do the handover? Honestly you shouldn't still be putting up with this.

Thanks for your reply! We have been through mediation twice, first when she was six weeks old and breastfeeding exclusively because he wanted her alone but I said no because she wouldn’t take a bottle. I subsequently gave up breastfeeding a couple of weeks after that as I couldn’t bear the pressure from him so he got his way. The second time was when she was 6 months old he demanded having her Friday to Sunday including nights with one weeks notice before he wanted to commence it, despite him never having her alone before (he used to take her to his mums house on his days because he didn’t feel confident having her alone)!
The current setup is he has her every other weekend sat morning until Sunday evening which has been agreed. He was also supposed to have her every other Sunday as well but the week before last I woke up to drunk fumbling messages from him saying he forgot he was having the extra alternate Sunday’s because I didn’t make that clear and so has cancelled that entirely.
Mediation is good at the time but nothing is binding so he always tries to change things again which is the problem I’m having!
I know DD is ok when she’s with him in terms of needs being met but I do worry about how he will be with her emotionally as time goes by because he has no shred of emotional intelligence and does display narcissist behavioural traits

@SunshineSusan14 you’re right I know I have to toughen up. I am going to have to find a way to do that. I think the painful part is being punished by not hearing how she’s doing etc. The emotional pain feels physical to me, I feel so sick that he feels that he can do that! She is a human being and it makes me furious that he uses her to beat me down emotionally. But you’re so right. I am swaying down the route of getting the court order to firm the days and make sure he can’t keep pressuring me and guilting me in to things.

@Fedupwiththis2020 I know how hard it is dealing with an unreasonable ex so you really have my sympathies. You sound like a nice person and loving mother but unfortunately bullies will use your good nature against you. If you get a court order in place it will limit the amount of contact and negotiations you have to have with him. Yeah he won't be happy and you might have to get used to not hearing from him while your daughter is there but it will be better than constantly having to deal with him and his controlling ways. The next time he starts giving you grief I would very calmly and politely say 'look we aren't together I don't have to deal with anymore. All I'm interested in is the well-being of our daughter. If you can't be civil to me and stick to planned arrangements then I will be looking at a court order because frankly I can't be bothered trying to please you anymore.'

Maybe if he sees you are serious about it he will improve. Unlikely though.

You need to stop giving him so much information and bending over backwards for him. You need to stop engaging and giving him power. He uses your softness against you, you need to have some boundaries and stick to them.

If he's trustworthy enough to look after your dd, then stop expecting updates on his weekends. She's fine. Take away his power.

It's none of his business who you work for. Why are you telling him? Tell him sweet FA about your life. Only child-related topics, and don't indulge in long conversation with him.

Stop letting him chop and change access. He has his days, that's it. Communicate these in written form - emails only.

He'll mess you about and make you miserable as long as you give him the power to do so.

He sounds awful and agree with others that he's still trying to control you. I had this for a long time with my ex. You need to keep contact with him to absolutely bare minimum - don't give him any information about your life that he doesn't need. All you need to discuss is arrangements for your child. Any other questions from him, just shut them down. I'm not saying that's easy to do but believe me, it'll be better for you. I spent years allowing my ex to get to me and the moment I decided not to engage any more it was so liberating.

@SunshineSusan14 thank you. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through which may sound pathetic to some but I just really struggle with the punishments. I am going to research more in to a court order and how much it costs to get one etc as I do feel that would give me more peace of mind

@category12 thanks for the reply. You are right in that I give him too much info. I’m in a habit of doing that through fear of his reaction to me if I don’t tell him things which is ridiculous to even say out loud but it’s like a weird learned behaviour. Yes I think I do need to stop agreeing to him changing. He’s cancelled in the past on a weekend then demanded to see her on a week day because he ‘missed out’. It’s pathetic

He’s a bully. He’s used to doing and getting what he wants through tantrums, fear and intimidation. Don’t stand for it anymore. You work for who you want

Was he abusive / emotionally abusive during your relationship? It can be really hard to break out of the patterns of behaviour created.

Him being pissed off by you doesn't have to matter to you anymore. You owe him nothing. He's not the sort of person you can ever please, whatever you do will be wrong and used against you, so you might as well accept it and do what's best for you.

Grey rock the hell out of the bastard. www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock (this talks about narcissists I think, but it applies for any type of bully).

Learn to put in boundaries and ignore the rest or only communicate about the bare minimum
How do you contact each other?
When it gets to much switch off or say I'll talk to you when your being reasonable.
It takes years or months to learn to not take what he thinks onboard
Detach.. learn how to.
Difficult for sure

He was very emotionally abusive accusing me of having men in the house, is get punished with silent treatment over small issues, he would put words in my mouth and play the victim all the time, he even fell out with me once because my friends arranged a baby shower for me. It is hard to unlearn the pattern of fear. His name popped up on my phone yesterday and my heart pounded through my chest. He makes me ill and I can’t stand it any more I’ve been having counselling the last 4 months to try and find ways to cope which has helped but days like today just feel hard and I don’t have my next zoom chat with the counsellor until Monday.
And yes he does get nasty whether I’m reasonable or not and it creates this confusion in my mind so that I feel I’m always at fault for whatever argument has cropped up
It’s like head fog I can’t think straight and always second guess myself in every aspect of life since I met him
I do need to learn to detach

do not feed into this drama.
Can you do your own coping with a councillor?
Detach!
Or get a middle person.
Sharing clothes,, he can get his own or pack a bag for the time your wee girls away
I experienced some toxic behaviour it took me years and mediation didn't work because some men enjoy the game Of control with our children.
Try this.. you even pretend it doesn't affect you or play out your not winning or getting to me in your mind as he's f*ing you off
Get a buddy to be around you when you see him
Or get a family Member to hand her over
I know that lack of information can be hell I used to be you
$2500 later On lawyers..It never improved anything except my child growing old enough and family intervention
Hang in there and vent often.. it's a fucked up place I know

You can do this. You are out of the relationship, so you're on your way.

It's limiting your contact with him and setting boundaries you need to do now.

Have you done the freedom programme? It might be useful.

Is he in the birth certificate?

If so he could decide not to return your dc and it's a civil matter so you would need to go to court to sort it out.

Get a court order ASAP that sets out that dc has primary residency with you. Set out contact time. If he misses a contact he doesn't get another day to catch up.

Don't tell him any details of your life and only respond to questions about your dc.

I hope you are ok, this sounds awful. Can you have someone with you for drop off and pick up? I agree you need to go to court to get his days sorted that way. Perhaps look at using a contact center for drop off in the future. Another idea is blocking his contact with you and having a third party pass messages on.

Thank
You all
I haven’t tried the freedom programme @category12 but will look in to that, thank you

@MadeForThis yes he’s on the birth certificate and thanks I’m going to look on to court orders as this just cannot continue

@snitzelvoncrumb thank you I am ok most of the time but I end up having days where it feels too much. I know I’m finding it hard today because I know the handover is looming tomorrow. I may try the third party. I tried this before and he told me that I’m not allowed to do that and I’m restricting access to DD which is obviously bullshit and I have emails confirming to him that he will still be seeing DD but I wanted communication to go through my mum. I ended up going back on this because he then sent my mum abusive messages. But I think I should’ve rode the storm a bit longer and maybe he would’ve got the message so I’m tempted to try that again.

I agree with category, the only way to deal with these fuckers is to go grey rock. He sounds like a narcissist and you sound very much trauma bonded (e.g feeling like you have to placate him still). Don't allow him to continue to abuse you through the guise of contact with your DD. Don't allow any deviation from the contact order, if he isn't happy then it's on him to apply for more contact. Record everything, save every message, every late pickup and every passive aggressive tactic he throws at you.

Most of all, don't allow him to get to you. Give zero fucks and only communicate through text if possible, only sticking to the topic of your daughter. He wants to get a reaction from you as narcissist supply (positive or negative). It's what they feed off. Stop giving him what he wants.

Also, if he does things like send abusive messages to your mum or yourself, you could take a legal route with him. Why should he get away with harassing you and your family members? Why should it get him what he wants?

If he's threatening at all, please report him to the police. Women do get killed by their exes - it may feel out of the realms of possibility, but domestic abuse does end this way for a couple of women a week.

I know it feels like a big thing getting the police or solicitors involved, but in the long run it'll serve you well.

Currently what he's doing is working for him - he bullies and he gets his way. You need to change that.

You have to detach yourself emotionally. It's hard but you have to stand your ground with him and brush off his awkwardness.