Mumsnet wisdom and guidance needed

[Cherriesallday]

If you have gotten past a history of unhealthy partner choices, and the inevitable baggage that caused them, how did you eventually know you had met a good man?

It’s so hard to trust indicts that have been so off the mark. And also do functional relationships feel kind of boring from the start?

What qualities are the right ones to look for in a longterm partner? Ideally to start a family with. Any words of wisdom gratefully received.

instincts

Different things attract different people.
There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to relationships.
When you say unhealthy, does that mean abusive, controlling, etc...?
If so then you need to do some reading.
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.
Have a look at completing the Freedom programme on line.
Have a look your boundaries.
Some therapy might also help you to identify things.

Yes unhealthy like emotional abuse. Thank you so much for the recommendations. I feel worried I can’t chose carefully. Men who treat me well have so far seemed quite boring but maybe I’m that’s normal in healthy relationships.

Consider what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up. What sort of an example did your parents show you at home?.

In addition to the excellent resources that hellsbellsmelons has suggested I would also read the websites entitled Baggage Reclaim and this online article:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I read it. Very very helpful. Thank-you

It's not normal in a healthy relationship to find your partner boring! If the man bores you, he's not right for you. It is possible to be in a relationship with a man who treats you well, but who is also warm, funny, clever, good-looking and good in bed. Don't settled for second best and don't tell yourself that only 'bad boys' can provide excitement.

I learnt to run but quicker.

Some men play an excellent part -they appear wonderful but know your worth -and run for the hills. You don't need to be kind, sympathic or owe a man anything in a break up.

I see time and time again women on here not having the guts to say 'IT's over. I don't want this -it's over. All the best' -and then end it no more contact, they want change, they want to continue,
You need to be happy on your own. Very happy. Look at how he treats others, exes, family etc And don't be afraid to end it.

Most men don't start off being twats -they do some twattish and see how you respond. Advice date lots of men, don't commit to any straight away, always run from a red flag and don't buy the 'I was scared' or 'I'm too in love with you' or 'My past ex did this so I thought you were going to....' -don't buy it end straight away. My two significiant exes they did things within weeks of dating that should have been 'bye bye' and I didn't both of them had reasons. The first was 'my ex wife did this so I thought you would too' and the second was wanting a baby straight away his family dynamic was weirdo -phoning them x4 a day etc his mother. Just not normal and he sold it to me 'I am close to my family'. You don't need a man for a baby. Please don't think you can't do it alone - you can. Plan for a life with and without a partner.

Agree with pp especially summer days winter evenings, especially the part about knowing your own value. I found the book breaking the chain of low self esteem by Sorensen helped me here.

Thanks for sharing your story @SummerDayWinterEveningsthink self esteem a big part of it. I’ll look up the Sorensen book @LemonDrizzles

How did it end for you?

@Cherriesallday well, self esteem for me is ongoing, relationships are ongoing... This book just introduced me to some tools that help me better value myself and navigate relationships.

It’s a journey isn’t it. I think I’m near the start. I feel frustrated by how easy it seems to look for everyone else but maybe it’s not. I hope you get everything you want to be happy. You definitely deserve to be @LemonDrizzles