Ex DP getting criminal caution for harassment against me

[Tafelberg]

I’ve had an ongoing police investigation against my ex “D”P for harassment. The harassment included him sending me horrible abusive emails, making abusive comments about me and my family on social media which included reference to personal information I’d told him about family members in confidence and so on. It went on for months. Has caused me problems with work, has upset and stressed my family, has made my life a living hell in many ways - and this is all on top of a number of other things he did when we first split up (destroying/stealing my property) which I also reported to the police but were all NFA’d as he denied it all and they couldn’t prove it was him.

Anyway, I found out today he was finally interviewed by the police in relation to the harassment and admitted to enough of it that the police are going to give him a criminal caution. It’s also going to be referred to another agency (can’t remember the name) so I will be given a non molestation order so he can’t contact me any more without risking instant arrest/prosecution.

At first I was relieved. I was told the caution would mean he has a criminal record which is something I’d hoped for. But since getting the phone call I’ve been reading a bit more about it and just feel deflated. From what I can tell, it will be off his record in 6 years if not before. There’s no obligation on him to tell his employer. He doesn’t have to pay any fine or compensation. No-one really has to know and while he will have probably been a bit embarrassed admitting to some of what he did to the police, that’s probably as bad as it’s going to get for him. Absolutely nothing in comparison to the months of utter misery he put me and my lovely and utterly undeserving family through. He is the embodiment of narcissistic personality disorder and I know I’m lucky to be free of him but it just doesn’t feel enough at the moment.

I’m not sure what I’m asking here - I guess I just wanted to vent my frustration, disappointment and rage at the injustice of the situation. I am going to speak to the police just to see if that really is it but I think I know what they’re going to say and I probably just have to accept it and move on.

The one other thing is, I’ve had some contact with the mother of his kids throughout all this. Some of you might remember my previous threads about him - he moved hundreds of miles away from her (and them) when they split up and pays the minimum in maintenance, etc etc yet makes out he is a fantastic dad. I’ve told her the basics about our break up and alluded to the police being involved but deliberately kept the details vague as I know she has to have a relationship with him still so it’s difficult for her - she has been lovely to me and sympathetic but hasn’t asked for details on the police stuff. Now he’s getting this caution, I wonder if I should tell her? As someone who doesn’t have children myself I can’t put myself in her position properly - I don’t want to do anything that will make her or my life worse. I just feel lost and would really appreciate anyone’s thoughts. Sorry this is such a long brain dump, it’s been one very long day.

You have a non molestation order against him though haven't you? If he happened to break it that would be a little more serious wouldn't it?

I think you should tell her. She has his children, and what she does with it is up to her. No doubt everyone will say not to provoke him or interfere. But he's getting off Scot free and that doesn't seem fair.

He doesn’t have it yet but will do soon (remembered the name of the agency - it’s the National Centre for Domestic Violence). I worry that if I tell her and that gets back to him and he then breaks the order, I will be seen as having provoked him.

We'll be very careful how you do it. After all if they couldn't prove he broke your stuff etc how are they going to prove this? That's how they win - we are so worried about staying in the right side of the law - they just don't give a shit.

Yeah I know. It’s so shit. It’s just knowing that he can basically hide this from his friends, family, employers, colleagues, future girlfriends - they will all go on thinking he’s a great guy with no idea what’s gone on over the past year at all. I keep asking myself whether I only want to tell his ex to make myself feel better or if it’s genuinely out of concern for her and his kids and I just don’t know what the answer to that is.

OP, I really feel for you. I have been through exactly the same smear campaign by an ex narc and it almost destroyed me (and my career). Mine was convicted of harassment in court and all he got was community service and a fine which still doesnt feel like justice for what he did to me. I have PTSD and still on medication for anxiety two years later, whilst he'll be well onto his 10th victim by now. It's not fair and you have every right to feel angry. That anger shows that you love yourself enough to want to protect yourself, he hasn't taken that away from you. I know its tempting to tell his ex or contact other victims but I really wouldnt advise it while you have an ongoing harrassment investigation against him. The small victory is that the caution should show up on his Claire's Law report so you have potentially helped another woman in the future by reporting him to the police.

The laws on domestic violence are not strong enough to protect women. Men that harrass and stalk their ex partners are also more likely to murder them but despite this, it is still not taken seriously enough. Just look what happened in the case of Shana Grice. You're right, justice hasn't been served and you can always complain to CPS if you think there is enough evidence for a harrassment charge but ultimately it's up to them and not the police with what can be charged.

I think you really need to focus on your own healing right now. You have been through a traumatic experience and likely emotional and/or physical and sexual (V likely in narc abuse). If he breaches the no contact order in any way, call the police (repeatedly if necessary). Record and document everything and don't respond to him in any way. I really hope it is enough of a deterrent and he leaves you alone.

I'm so sorry you've been through this

He has to admit the offence to be given a caution and sign for it.

There will be a record of this should he continue

He will need to record it should he ever go into certain occupations.

You are at liberty to reveal this caution as you know it to be true.

The other lady may find the info useful or not, I can not say

Oh and as horrible as it is, narcissists are like a curse. You have to give them to someone else to get rid of them.

It's very likely his new victim will be told immediately what a psycho crazy bitch you are so that if you contact her, she's already been primed not to believe you. Narcs can be extremely charming and therefore have alot of people (flying monkeys) surrounding them. You can only be responsible for yourself and unfortunately those who cannot see him for the narcissist he is will have to learn these lessons later.

@MargeSimpsonswig thank you so much. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through similar (and worse by the sounds of it) - thank god you’re free of him too, but it’s awful how much of an effect all this can still have such a long time down the line. I feel like in some ways I’m only just starting to process it all myself.

I didn’t know I could go directly to the CPS - I will look into that. Basically though he’s admitted to some of the stuff he did but says he can’t remember some of the other stuff because it was either a long time ago or he was drunk (he does have a drinking problem albeit officially undiagnosed). I’m just not sure the CPS will see more in it if the police have decided against putting it to them in the first place. I need to find out more I guess. You’re right though - definitely need to focus on healing myself too. I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe properly for the best part of a year.

@cabbageking I hadn’t thought about it that way - in that because he’s admitted it, it’s true and I wouldn’t be telling her something I’d made up or exaggerated. It’s a good point.

@MargeSimpsonswig I have actually already done that with one new victim - he started seeing someone else a couple of days after we broke up and made it very clear to me (I had to stay living with him for a while after the split). I ended up contacting her and telling her what had happened - luckily she believed me and broke up with him herself and we’re actually friends now. He had behaved exactly as you said though - had firstly lied about when we broke up, then about why, then told her I was crazy and mental, then lost his shit at her when he realised she wasn’t going to believe him. I won’t be doing it again with any new girlfriends, just felt I had to with her as it was so clearly all done to mess with me and use her.

@Tafelberg, I'm really glad she believed you. I totally get it, I know it's hard to sit back and not warn other women. However, the only way to let go and start your healing journey is to accept that it's not your responsibility. You simply cannot devote your life to preventing him from visiting timising someone else. These men are predators and there will always be new victims.

If the police haven't taken it to CPS, then make a complaint with a senior officer and explain you are not happy with the outcome. I had to do this to be taken seriously at the time and rang 101 to add a new report every time he sent an email or text etc. I found when I made a timeline of all the contact to various people with printouts of evidence, the police took it much more seriously. Maybe you could try this? Here are the charging guidelines CPS use to make decisions www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-and-harassment

In terms of healing resources, You tube have some great videos. Lisa Romano and Little Shamen are my favourite

For me, it has been a long journey of healing but I had previous trauma that was triggered by the whole event which made it more complicated. It is difficult to heal when you still have an active case to deal with which is why I would think carefully if you really want it to go to trial where you would have to testify and be cross examined. These can take 6 months plus to get to that stage and that is before coronavirus.

I'm not trying to deter you, it's just I've been through the process and I don't feel like the outcome was worth the stress. I'd think twice if I were given the same choice again but if you feel strongly enough to want to get justice (quite rightly) then hopefully the police will listen to your concerns and charge him.

If this caution is a matter of public record then there is nothing to stop someone making a copy of it or multiple copies and popping them in envelopes to various people. I mean anyone could do that right? It's all 100 % truthful, it's not a secret or untrue. No one can prove a fucking thing.

Healing is one thing but feeling so helpless and angry and impotent because he just got away with it and no one knows. Doing something about that is healing too.

I not mean to lessen what you've through but your very lucky that he has a caution and if he breaks the non mol he will be in further trouble.
It's extremely hard to convict on harassment cases.
I know because my ex got no further action after 5 months waiting for a decision but then he's a copper so.

But just think you have the first step of proof if he doesn't anymore you've shown a light in the abuse.

@MargeSimpsonswig thank you for those links, I will check them out. Had a pretty sleepless night thinking about it all. I think I’m going to contact NCDV today to speak to them about it all. Your posts have really made me think though - I wish there was some way to get more justice against him without putting myself through even more stress and trauma.

@Vodkacranberryplease exactly - your last sentence sums up how I’m feeling completely. I just don’t want to act on the spur of the moment and inadvertently make things worse for myself. I really don’t think he’ll break the non molestation order if I don’t do anything to tell people about things. The police gave him a first instance harassment warning months ago but he just denied ever having received it and carried on with the abuse. Hopefully he won’t be able to do that with the non-molestation order.

@illclapwheniminpressed I’m so sorry you’ve had a similar experience too. That sounds horrendous - being stuck waiting for decisions before you can carry on with your life is miserable. If I’m honest with myself I know the chances of a conviction are basically non-existent. It just feels so wrong.

I really would advise against doing anything that might provoke him to breach the order. You don't really know this man and what he is capable of and he could turn violent, plus the police would take a dim view if you were seen to be provoking him.

It is unfair, but unfortunately until protecting women becomes a higher priority for the government then nothing will change. Even the new coercive control laws are hard to prosecute and women still lose their lives every week in the UK from DV. That being said, if he breaches the order then take a no bullshit approach and report every incidence.

As cliche as it sounds, the best revenge is you moving on with your life, rebuilding your self esteem and learning to love yourself. Narcs often die alone as they burn every bridge, they eventually get their karma. They destroy their own lives so don't let him take any more of your energy and headspace.

What I needed to hear two years ago:

I believe you

It's not your fault and you didn't deserve this.

You are not stupid, he is a very skilled predator who targeted you when you were in a vulnerable place.

You will one day move on from this and find happiness.

💐

Thank you @MargeSimpsonswig. Your kind words and advice have meant a lot to me. It was through this forum that I first found the strength to recognise him for what he was and to leave - and yet again I find myself so grateful for the support of people taking the time to write replies like yours. I watched the videos you linked to, have booked a counselling session for Friday and put in a self-referral for more through the NHS. Hoping that after tomorrow (when he’s given the caution) I will finally be able to shut the door on this horrible chapter of my life once and for all.

back to you for being lovely.