How do I make friends???

[Rosie5060]

Ok so I am 30 and I have had a really hard time making and keeping friends since having my child 3 years ago. Am I the only one in this situation and how how how do I change it???

After my son was born my close friends from school we’re really uninterested and made no effort, I stopped going to my exercise group so stopped talking to people from there, I also used to go to church but didn’t make and firm friendships while there and no one kept in touch.

My partner has some really good friends and I have tried befriending their girlfriends as they are genuinely nice, but they never take me up on offers to meet up away from our other halves.

I have been to what feels like a hundred mum and baby groups, tried using mush. I starting working PT a few months ago and haven’t yet established any friendships.

I am close to my mum, my cousin (lives abroad), have made one good friend from a baby group and see an old neighbour every now and again.

I realised my situation needs to change as my good friend is moving far away.

Is this normal or has anyone managed to move on from this? The struggle to make friends has gone on for so long that I actually feel like I’m not likeable and that there must be something wrong with me!

It takes time.
If you are desperate for friends it will show, so relax a bit.
I'd go back to church, or try another one if that one doesn't suit you.
You will widen your social circle. Babies do split up friendships.
If you have a baby, single friends who don't have children will be at a different stage in life.

There is nothing wrong with you. Of course you are likeable. Your DC loves you more than anyone else.
I found that sometimes friends are not true friends, just spongers, and sometimes friends you thought had left you are there all along.

There are lots of threads about making friends.

Go back to your exercise group. Find a gym where you can put baby in crèche and go to an exercise group a few times a week. Go to organised things like baby yoga and stick to it, same time every week. Have you tried the local church baby groups? I’d say you need to try doing different activities rather than just groups. Sign up for baby swimming for example. I’m afraid there’s no magic formula. I made good friends with my first baby and then zero with my second! I did the same things but I just had no luck meeting like minded people. Have you looked for local meet-ups on netmums and meetup? Meeting the kind of friends who will send you a card on your birthday is really really hard. I’m a lot older than you and I’ve only got 4 friends who do that. All of those friends came from working and not mum baby groups.

One good thing with church is that if you go to the family service, you will meet similar people, and DC will meet children who are being taught decent values.

The family services had a wide range of people - different ages, ethnicity , occupation, and the children go to the vestry for their version.

If nothing else, it's a bit of time to yourself to reflect, and you get to sing as loud as you like to some great tunes.

There is usually a cup of tea or meal afterwards. I tend to feel embarrassed because apart from a few who don't find me completely forgettable, I get asked 'Are you new?' all the time?

Yes you are right about being at different stages.

I really have given up on mum groups...I went to every one going consistently for at least a couple of months. Maybe it’s the area I live in but they were soo clicky. My son is also 3 so he will attend classes by himself now.

I really should find another church and hopefully I can get back to exercise once lockdown is over.

It’s massively knocked my confidence and I think I’m feeling down about it because I really can’t do anything about it being in lockdown!

The church I go to, or did, is in the next town. I was reluctant about going and didn't like it to start with. Someone I knew socially encouraged me to go. It is a bit evangelical for my taste, and I was confirmed in a different denomination, but I find just going into a church to pray can be soothing.

There are nearer churches that I would be OK about attending. They too are a different denomination.

What you could do is look at ones local to you online, and see what they offer.

I will message you a link to the one I attend, so you can see if that's the sort of church you would like.

I agree with the exercise group. It helps to have a routine. I have made the mistake of self-isolating a bit too seriously and found it tough at times, but you can do things like go for walks and things with others, and take DC.

I dont know about you but I prefer to make friends with people who have similar interests to me; who have a similar level of intelligence and similar social attitudes. I mean, they dont have to be 'just like me, but I've found, from bitter experience, that making friends who stray very far from who I am is hard, unfulfilling and often doesn't end well!

If you start to frequent places where you can be yourself you are more likely to meet like minded people and if they are your sort of people, you're more likely to he theirs.

I agree with Sunshine You need to be with likeminded people ie the more similar they are to you the easier it is on the whole. Living in a small place makes that more difficult . It a waste of time and energy making an effort with people who are not on the same wavelength.
It seems that nowadays most people seem to meet at work

One I met through work. One I met through Slimming World and she invited me to a bookclub. Funnily enough she left our book club but I am still attending! My other friends in Southampton I met via Mum! Her then next door neighbour would come in to see mum and we got friendly from their. The rest of the group are all involved with church which I am not but they are not 'preachy' at all, in fact the main friend I often tease her about her swearing 'in God's house!' They all got together because they are single - either divorced or their partner died. Not a dating agency - just people that like to do stuff together.

there not their - i do know the difference, honest!

Volunteer?

That’s really good advice, I’d love to meet other parents with the same values and my son can gain from that too. Exercise has gone out the window atm, apart from the odd morning stretch and walk!

I previously went to a Vineyard church and then a small local Church of England. I love vineyard services but it was so big I felt it was harder to make connections.

I would like to volunteer in the future, right now I don’t have enough child free time to make that commitment.

I really appreciate your messages I’m feeling a lot more positive about getting back to the Pilates studio and connecting with a church again.

I didn’t make friends until dd was in playgroup leading into school and even then it took nearly 18 months. One of my favourite friends I got on with for 6 years before we got into a project together and we got together, so to speak. Now, our husbands shake their heads over us.

With high school in the last few years, I got involved as much as possible and, while I wouldn’t say we are close, I have made nice friends.

It can take lots of time and don’t sell yourself short.