What do I do, another not terrible but not great thread.

[Puddlejuice]

Hello, I've been going around in circles for years and I'm desperate to make a decision.

Together 5 years, 2 young dc (may be affecting things, as they are both very poor sleepers so we've been knackered for years).

DP is a decent guy, but has done some pretty hurtful things, more out of stupidity than malice. He also drinks more than I'd like, which causes tension at times.

I have the ick, probably from a build up of resentment rather than any catastrophic event.

As I say he's a decent guy, good with the dc, facilitates plenty of free time for me to excercise / meet friends, and is solid financially working hard to give us a lovely life (I work part time).

Superficially we get on well enough, we chat and sometimes laugh, are good at tag teaming the dc, get on really well with eachothers families etc.

He really still fancies me, thinks our relationship is just having a blip, and that we have everything to be happy about. I feel like I'm a bit in limbo waiting for the next chapter of my life to start.

If we split up I'll very probably relocate closer to family for help, (we live in his home city at present).

I don't want to deprive him of seeing his dc daily, and I don't really want to be a single mum, unable to have time to myself and feel lonely every evening.

Has anyone been in this position and have any advice?

DP is a decent guy, but has done some pretty hurtful things, more out of stupidity than malice.

What sort of thing? How do you know it's more out of stupidity than malice? For instance, if someone said something hurtful, I'd say it's usually deliberate.

I have a similar post so didn't want to read & run. I felt the same as you 11 years ago. In my case, it hasn't got better. The kids are older but I feel more lonely in my relationship than I think I would out of it.

I want to split before the resentment & animosity kicks in. What has held me back is a lack of confidence in myself & my right to be happy. I'm also afraid of being told I'm making the wrong decision and backtracking (I have a good life to those on the outside).

Deep down I know I owe it to myself, DH & DC to do the right thing which is to call it a day. I'm mentally making plans for post-shutdown but will probably need a handhold when I wobble.

I think quality time with DC is better than seeing them everyday in an unhappy environment.

Agree with PP - definitely depends on what the hurtful things were.

I have to say, i think it would be pretty shit to take your DC away from their dad if there isn't any abuse or similar at play, so i think if you do split the decent thing to do would be to stay local. How far would you be going?

Is it trivial stuff, or is it big stuff and he's denying that he hurt you and expecting you to just play along?

Trivial stuff happens, especially with 2 small DC, both of you need to be cut some slack assuming it's generally good.

I had undiagnosed pnd / psychosis after dc1. I was admittedly a bloody nightmare to be around, he absented himself a lot during this time rather than be helpful. I'm not sure I blame him though, we didn't really have a clue what was going on.

He did one absolutely terrible thing though, after his works Christmas do he telephoned an escort to book an appointment. He was really drunk admittedly, but it didn't come from nowhere, I imagine he had been thinking about it for some time. I "forgave" him, theoretically, but haven't truly been able to.

Tough call. On one hand leave if you are unhappy. Life is short.

But, be prepared for him to stop you moving the children away. So you may need to stay fairly local to where you are now. And in fairness if he's a good dad then that's what should happen. I can understand you not wanting to be with him. But the children should still be able to see him regularly.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow I agree it would be shitty.
I'd be about 40 minutes away, which would be too far to pop in a few times a week. The reason to relocate would be my Mum is retiring and would do childcare a few days a week, and house prices are also much cheaper, so we could both buy a place if he downsized.

I was in your position. I was absolute adamant in my head that I would never split because of the trauma to my dc. Neither of us were brave enough to voice it for many years and so we carried on. The dc hit high school and something snapped inside of me, I could feel the resentment brewing and knew it was the right time. We split 4 years ago now the dc are 16 & 15 and I can honestly say they've been amazing. They still see their Dad but he's not as arsed about them now he has a new wife - his loss. We have a lovely peaceful home where we all live alongside each other so well. They are thriving.

I remarried earlier this year to a man I adore, now I know what that feels like I realise how shit my marriage really was. I don't regret not splitting earlier as it would've been a nightmare with childcare etc but I'm so so glad I did it in the end, my life is a million times happier.

OP,
A mixed bag there with some definitely some understandable hurt on your side.

My advice would be to schedule some time uninterrupted to really talk to him.

Your hurt re the escort.
The drinking.
Your feelings re actually breaking the family up....indicating how serious you are.

Then if you feel he is prepared to work with you honestly and with commitment, I would expect him to fully agree to marriage counselling.

This is not a dead marriage.

Yours needs work.

Marriage often needs work.

Young children and lack of sleep would hammer the crap out a good marriage.

Not easy at all.

You both need to be very honest about how serious this is.

He needs to be complete honest.

Denying the reality of the hurt and upset will mean you drift on for a bit and eventually the marriage will be over.

Honesty and a plan to help you through this.

But YOU have to decide if YOU want things to be fixed.

Wishing you well OP

Marriage is hard.
You have both had trauma to deal with and it sounds like you have both ‘toughed it out’ which is a natural response rather than address it head on. That can breed resentment and acting out and ‘ick’.
Give marriage counseling a go, even if you end up splitting, it might help make that more amicable or it might give you both the tools to deal with the issues and trauma that have affected your marriage. I do wish you well, I found a book called Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirchbaum helpful. But honestly try marriage counseling, I had a private counselor it cost £50 an hour and was well worth it. Trying to deal with things alone just led us down the same well worn paths and we made no progress until we had a third person help. We both ‘woke up’.

It’s worth a try even if the marriage ends, you will learn better how to navigate that too.

Thanks for all the really good advice.

I suggested couples counselling, his response was luke warm. I don't think he really wants to properly fix things, just wants to get his needs met e.g sex, affection and fun together.

I'm holding so much resentment that sex is the last thing on my mind. I'll let him consider the counselling over the weekend and have another conversation about it all.

If he won't go to counselling I would go on my own. You need anyway to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

I think you should leave. Booking an escort is quite some move.

Well if he refuses to be part of a potential solution, then he is the problem.

I would plan on going to counselling on my own and whatever decision you make, you are entitled to feel YOU at least tried.