Supporting an alcoholic new mum

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I don't want to give too much away here. Someone extremely close to us (me and DH) has recently had a baby. She was alcohol dependent but gave up for 3 months when pregnant. We thought they'd turned a corner, previously refusing all help for her addiction. She's now back drinking. We have the baby a few times a week to facilitate this but now her drinking is spilling over into the times the baby is with her.

Social services are involved in so much as they visit her, raise concerns on her missing health visitor appointments, offering parenting classes (she's not keen but will go to keep them off her case). What is the risk that the baby will be taken off her? I don't want the baby to end up in the system. The dad is around but recently got into trouble with the law and it's uncertain on his outcome.

How can we support her more? If the baby is removed from her care, do they consider family as temporary carers?

It’s great that you want to help your friend but Give the baby a chance of life without addiction.
Alcoholic will only stop when they want to, no amount of prompting will make them quit.

I say that as the child of alcoholic parents. Drank to oblivion and not fit to look after thechildren

I’m struggling to understand why you think the most important consideration is the baby remaining with a Mother who can’t prioritise the need of her child and provide a safe environment? Is it worth it for the child?

Are you referring to a family member?.

This lady is still very much alcohol dependent. You cannot help anyone like this she has to want to help her own self without other people basically enabling her to continue drinking. Your priority too should be this child's welfare rather than either parent. You cannot afford to become yet another one of her enablers because it will not help you (enabling only gives you a false sense of control), her child or her for that matter.

I would urge you to contact Al-anon; they are very helpful when it comes to people affected by other people's drinking.

I had this with a close family member too, and I gave them an ultimatum. I ended up looking after the child, and they went into rehab. I took legal steps to ensure I could take full custody, though, in case they continued drinking, and I would have exercised it, but fortunately I didn't have to.

I went through this with my cousin.

She wasn't an alcoholic before, but started when her baby was about 6 months old.
Initially I helped her, looked after her baby, had him for 10 days once. But I was a single parent of 2 young kids too, so it wasn't easy.

Social services eventually stepped in and asked if I'd foster her baby, but I lived an hour away, worked too, and would have had to drive to a contact centre where she lived every week so she could see him - it just wasn't viable.
So he went into foster care for a few months. She got sober, met a lovely man, got her baby back and lived happily ever after.....or so we hoped. Fast forward 10 years and it's been an absolute nightmare. She's in and out of rehab, her poor son has seen awful awful things, her lovely man has tried his very best to support her, working all the time, doing the childcare while she's pissed, and now his parents have more-or-less informally adopted her son. He spends a lot of time there, which is far from ideal, as they're lovely but very old and find it a struggle.
I wish he'd been adopted at the beginning. The poor kid has had a horrible time.
If she can't look after her child and prioritise his/her needs, then she really shouldn't be allowed to keep him/her.
To answer your question - yes social services will be more than happy for you to look after the baby, assuming you have no criminal convictions or dodgy history yourself. It saves the state a fortune if family step up!

The welfare of the child is paramount, a baby is entirely dependant on their mother. Do you know for sure, that the mother wasn’t misusing alcohol in pregnancy? If she was, there is a possibility that the baby may have Foetal Alcohol Syndrome. I’m glad to hear that social services are involved, they will know the difference between disguised compliance and meaningful engagement with services. The baby needs to have a secure attachment with her primary care giver, by being cared for by other friends/family a few times a week this can result in an insecure attachment.
If social work are considering looking for alternative accommodation for the baby, a multi agency assessment will need to be made, by speaking to other agencies involved i.e. health visitor etc. This is a legal process, also family members will be considered and assessed to see if they are suitable and willing to care for the baby, also any possible kinship carers will have to demonstrate that they are able to prioritise the needs of the baby over the needs of the mother.
Seeking support from Al-Anon will help you to understand alcohol abuse, enabling etc.

"She's now back drinking. We have the baby a few times a week to facilitate this "

Uhm why are you enabling her. The priority is the baby. Not the mum who obviously needs more help then you babysitting. Let social services help. Help the baby. The mother is second. Baby first

Look into kinship care there are support groups who can help you. Since you already look after the baby regularly it's likely you would be first port of call for care. It's terribly worrying when you don't want the child to go into a care system that is known to let them down but also know where they are is not good for them I've been there.