Dh & emotional support

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Have been married to dh for 12 years,together for 15. Both our second marriage,with children from our first. We have a daughter together,she is 13 & has a disability.

Dh has always struggled with dealing with emotional stuff. He's very caring & loving (likes to hug,kiss,hold hands etc).
This first raised its head when we realised our dd may have a disability (aged 2) we went through lots of tests & she was 7 before she was officially diagnosed with a rare chromosome syndrome. During these years I suffered with bouts of depression & anxiety, but learnt to deal with it myself. I went for counselling,took anti depressants & had hypnotherapy.
Over the years when I've needed to talk through emotions,it's hard to open the conversation as he tends to shut down then just doesn't say a lot (& this is from a man who talks a lot!!). If pushed he will try to change the conversation or get up & start doing something & I then tend to give up.

During lockdown, I have been a full time carer for our daughter as he is a key worker (engineer). I have found it mentally exhausting & my mental health problems have resurfaced. I have tried to talk to him about it,but as usual have got nowhere & now I feel this is affecting our relationship.

I want him to be able to open up & be capable of dealing with talking about difficult things (by the way, this isn't all to do with me,his df has serious health problems & he can't really talk about that either).

How do I tackle this with him?

I feel our relationship is at serious risk if we don't do something & I desperately don't want that to happen as I love him dearly.
But it's become 'the elephant in the room' that we avoid & it's getting worse

Would you come out and say "I love you but our relationship is at risk if we can't talk to each other"

If he finds it difficult to open up then at least ask him to listen to you to begin with. Sometimes it's easier for men who are not used to talking about emotions to want practical fixes to problems, so even if baby steps are about finding some solutions to give you some space for you that's a start.

I went lockdown loopy-lou about a month ago, was sad and paranoid about hubby's phone use, took me three days of winding myself up until I said "ok you win you've broke me I can't compete against your phone and the whole of the internet" ........we talked and talked, both changed our behaviour, it ended up being a purge and cleanse.

Op I am not entirely sure if I understand the problem correctly. Is it that he's not giving you emotional support or that he seems like he needs support and is refusing to accept said support from you? If the first, would he listen enough for you to say : hey I need support and your shutting me down. If the second, maybe it's just not his way to open up to much about his feelings. Either way, I hope you manage to have a proper chat. Maybe when you bothe settle down in bed, away from the kids and day to day grind. Hugs just because you need them.

frozendaisy I think that's a good way to go about it & might help impress the seriousness of it. I normally open with 'I'm sorry but we need to have a talk' & I can see him instantly close down.

JustC He really struggles with giving me emotional support & I feel it's getting worse & beginning to affect our relationship & also making my mental health worse.

Anyone else?

The more and more I understand about men the more I realise how different they are from us women. They deal with emotional stuff so differently from women, it can make life incredibly lonely for us who need that support. I honestly think that they just don’t get it. Don’t assume that your husband doesn’t care, assume he does not know or understand the issue. Share it with him in a non blaming way, the aim is to get him to understand and come up with some solutions with you to help your situation. My husband is the same, I wish he could automatically get how I’m feeling and automatically support me but he can’t. It’s bloody difficult but I think this is may be a universal problem in many marriages as for many men they just don’t have the need/are not wired for emotional support therefore have no idea how to give it or of its importance.

ComeAlive That has been my thought for many years,men are different & don't deal with emotions like women do. But I suppose in my relationship it's finally come to a head. Plus being isolated & not having the opportunity to talk things out with friends.
There must be men out there who do emotionally support their wives/partners though?

I think there are men out there who are much more able to feel their emotions and those of others thus can more easily have the sort of conversations that you (and I) need to have. Your husband is fearful of talking about emotional stuff, I wonder what he was taught about his feelings growing up. My husband was taught to manage his thus does not recognise the need to give emotional support as I should be able to manage my feelings myself as he does. It’s been the cause of much upset and frustration over the past 20 years! I am learning to accept this whilst at the same time enter into discussions with him to try and bring this side out but it’s not easy. I’d be lying if I said I had not considered separating on numerous times due to the lack of emotional support. I just don’t think the majority of men were taught/wired to empathise, sympathise and recognise when emotional support is needed whereas we are which is why great girlfriends and female relationships can be so nurturing and valuable to us.

It sounds like you’re expecting something from him he just can’t provide. He is not your therapist. For whatever reason what you’re talking about or how it’s been phrased does not seem to be in a way he is able to process, or cope with.

You mention his father is unwell & he is unable to talk about that. Maybe he does not want to burden you more with how he is feeling ? He has a daughter with special needs (chromosomal related diagnosis, possibly needs long term care ? I don’t mean to assume, just that we don’t know details of the type of disability & what her needs are, he will have feelings about that. Of life turning out unexpectedly. He may be grieving the loss of what might have been but not want to say anything to further upset you.

You have a history of struggling with mental health, it may well be that he cannot be your therapist to soundboard all the thoughts running through your head.

You don’t mention that he does not provide practical help, just that due to lockdown you have had to take on the lion’s share, which is understandably stressful. In my experience good men worry about family finances. If you are not mentally or physically well the entire burden of care & money earning would presumably fall to him - a lot of pressure to have a child with what sounds like a serious diagnosis + partner experiencing mental health episode.

Without knowing more info it sounds to me like he could possibly feel a bit badgered ? Sometimes people prefer to switch off & overanalyse things which can’t be changed. Men like to fix problems, if you are wanting to hash it out verbally over every little stress in your mind, it’s possible you are overburdening him mentally as he is likely going through it too, especially with father taken ill too.

Ultimately 2020 has been a hard year for many people, you may find benefit from finding different outlets to relieve your stress - holistic approach of exercise, therapy, good eating, self care however you can.

But don’t force someone to talk with you for long talks about your feelings over things which cannot change because right now it’s too much for him. If you need to talk a therapist will be a better option.

Does he do other kind things ? Makes you a cuppa? Helps ensure you’re getting as much sleep as possible, helping with chores at home ? If he is physically & mentally present & generally a loving partner / father then he is likely doing his best under difficult circumstances.

I think it's worth remembering for us with MH issues that while a partner should try to be supportive, they are also not our counsellor. I am lucky that my partner is quite supportive and will let me vent, even if he can't always understand.
It depends so much on what kind of partner he is to you otherwise, and that is something only you can determine.
Big hugs and hope you get some sort of support.

vikingwife you have made a lot of valid points.
He is great in a practical sense,give him a problem and he can solve it & he has a secure job,that he enjoys,that is why I became the carer.
I think the lockdown has intensified everything & while I do not bother him with every little worry that pops into my head (he'd have left years ago if that had been the case!) I think because he doesn't know what to say & can offer practical help with my mental health problems,his first thing is to shut down & the situation at the moment has made this worse.
I will take your advice & seek therapy from a counsellor as I feel I need some outlet for my problems. Then I won't feel that he is lacking in that area.
I needed an outsiders point of view on the situation as I really couldn't see it from any other way,only that he was failing me.

can't offer practical help not can

I think you're right to seek therapy - I also wonder whether if you phrased things like 'I am having a tough time with X, do you think you could do Y to help me/lift the load?' he would respond better.

It depends whether it's just talking things through that you really need from him, as it does seem he's not the right person for that, but he sounds like otherwise he's pretty willing to do things that make life better? (You said he's a problem solver)

E.g. I am getting overwhelmed today with childcare, please can you take over for 45 mins whilst I go on a walk/have a bath/read a book.

I have had a really tough day with anxiety today, please can we sit on the sofa and just have a cuddle for 20 mins?

It might feel strange to ask for it and you might wish that he'd do it naturally, but the fact is he doesn't and providing a solution to how he can help might mean he sees these things as possible solutions in the future too.

I think you're right to seek therapy - to clarify, I mean to have a counsellor to speak to about things

A good approach if you need his comfort might be telling him - “oh babe I really need a hug, had a crap day” - direct him to something he can do which will help you, rather than expecting him to have all the right words which will soothe you ?

Tell him you would love to have a soak in the bath tonight & let him look after your little one while you relax.

Lockdown has had a huge negative mental health impact on people all over the world. You are not alone!

flipperdoda he is good if I tell him precisely what I need & it's something practical. He's straight on it. So that makes sense.
I need another outlet to help with my mental health & be more precise about how he can help practically.