Seperate Bank Accounts - Where to start!!

[Feeder49]

Myself and my husband have been together for 32 years, married for 30 of those years. We've always had joint finances and it's never been a problem. But as time goes on and relationships change, it no longer feels practical. We have 4 children aged 19, 18, 16 and 11. Before the kids came along we earned the same and spent all our time together, finances were straightforward. Then we had our first child, I gave up work, we both accepted that money was tight and we lived happily through those years. Time together became less and less as being a full time mum and housewife took over my life and earning enough to keep us all took over his. Now the kids are older, I'm working part time, earning approximately a 3rd of what he does. We still need to watch our money as we have some debt from the old days. But he seems to think the penny pinching days are over and has recently bought a motorbike and a car, costing hundreds and hundreds a month. I've increased my hours at work to try and pay for these things, and cut back all bills where I can. I can't work longer hours as all household chores fall to me, cooking, cleaning, school runs etc. And he spends his days off sleeping or watching television, rarely even rides the bike a large chunk of our money goes on. So I'm now looking at seperating our finances, but I don't know where to start! I don't want to pay for his bike/car etc, my personal expenses are a quarter of his each month. But how do I split other bills, like food? I want some spending money of my own each month and, if I'm honest, I want him to feel the pinch of his spending, not me. Where do I even start???

Oh wow. Have you discussed this with him?

So if you add up the rent and bills and food costs... then divide them by the ratio of your earnings and each out your portion in to a joint account. Then keep what's left... I mean... that would be fair but will he go for it?

As @birthdaybelle says each have your own account work out how much goes out every month for bills (mortgage gas electric water ETC) then you both transfer half each into a joint account that the bills come out of.

You need to sit down and discuss it with him, its wrong that you even pay half the bills let alone towards his little toys especially when YOU claim to do everything at home. He needs to start helping you with house work if he expects you to pay for half of the bills he should be doing half of the house work.

You also need to discuss also if your DC need something, will you put half each etc!

I don't think half is fair though... I think the percentage of what you earn... if you earn a third of what he does, you pay a third and he pays 2 thirds

You have 1 joint account and 2 personal accounts. Say your bills are £2000 a month, you transfer in enough money to cover that proportionate to your income. £660 from you and £1340 from him. What you each have left, you use to pay personal expenses: cars, bikes, fuel, treats, leisure activities that aren’t family ones.

I agree with what others say about proportional (NOT 50/50%) payments OP and I hope that you manage to get your husband to agree. It's deeply unfair of him to just splurge family money on high value items for himself without considering the financial impact on you in particularly and the family generally.

Do get everything clear in your head (put all your finances into a spreadsheet showing the breakdown of how this would work for everything if this make things clear). In whose name were the motorbike and new car purchase? His only? Or both of you? As he made the decision alone perhaps he should pay for them alone. Something to consider. I can't see, especially, how the motorbike benefits the family. As it's not being used and is still costing money it could be sold.

Also why are you the person doing all the housework, pickups etc? You have four children all able to do their bit (though they might not like it) so I'd strongly suggest you speak to them too and allocate what each child needs to do.

They are all old enough to contribute to the running of their home. That would include general cleaning and tidying, vacuuming, putting out the rubbish, laundry, washing up and/or loading/emptying the dishwasher, cooking simple meals for the family etc. Agree a rota that works for everyone - and that includes your husband.

Put the agreed schedule on the fridge door or on the kitchen wall, wherever, so everyone knows who's doing what. If one person can't do something one day then they need to negotiate with each other and not come to you. If they don't agree to help more then just cut back on everything so they can see how much you do, which is taken for granted.

And yes, ensure you have your own personal bank account (to which he had no access) into which your salary and any benefits for the children goes into. Transfer your proportion of the household expenses into a joint account to which you both have access.

If/when this works better (you might need to be firm while the new way of working sinks in with everyone) perhaps see if you could work an extra day to strengthen your own finances.

Are you able to do a credit check to see if there any other purchases he's made you might not be aware of?

You have a lot in your plate but stick to your guns. 🌹

I don't think even 'she earns a third so pays a third of the bills' is fair. Becauseshe still then ends up with wayless personal money. Her earnings are lower due to all the domestic labour she has contributed.

Fair is to calculate all incoming money, subtract all outgoings, then SPLIT what is left 50/50. His bike repayments should come out of his 'fun' money.