Lockdown had been the realisation that I don’t want to be with DP

[Puff1975]

New to Mumsnet but need to get some clarity- Been with DP for 18 years not married 3 DD 15,13,10
10 year age gap he is 55 and me 45 - I have realised that he is selfish and treats me as the nanny and housekeeper- before lockdown he was always busy- working- I work partime in the NHS last 11 Weeks he has been at home- not Cooked one meal- cleaned or contributed to home schooling-(never does any of this anyway- so was not expecting much) I have worked and increased my hours to help in the NHS whilst he has done the things he has wanted to achieve- I feel like anything I say is rail roaded by his opinions- he knows best ! My 15 year old has commented on his opinions-my 13 yr old this evening made a condescending comment towards me- I tried to discuss with DD that his behaviour and comments towards me are impacting the DD he responded that I am out to get him and I am the problem and have issuses! I feel like I constantly walk on eggshells- don’t want to be in the same room or even hold any conversation- I finically can’t see me being able Move out and started to formulate a five year countdown to my youngest DD being 16 Anyone been in similar situation?

Please don't wait five years! It sounds horrible to have to wait so long if you're unhappy. Your not helping your children by staying, they will end up having no respect for you.

No, don't wait any longer than you have to. You don't have to wait anything near 5 years. Lots of kids' parents are separated.

He sounds an utter wanker and how he acts is effecting the kids' behaviour negatively.

He sounds like a typical abuser, and it's very common for spouses of abusers to feel like they're always "walking on eggshells."

Also feeling "trapped" is another word I've heard again and again by abuse victims.
But I've seen some pretty hopeless looking situations get turned around and people getting abusers out of their lives when it seemed impossible.

Here's a list of different types of verbal abuse to look out for.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/15-common-forms-verbal-abuse-in-relationships

Please don't wait 5 years to leave.

Sometimes when people make those plans they never leave in the end. They might say well I'm going to leave in 3 years, but then during that 3 years something happens, his mother might die or this might happen or that happens or he develops health problems...and you would feel more trapped then ever.

Why would you want your youngest to see you in an unhappy relationship and situation until she turns 16, wouldn't it be far better to get out and for her to see her mother being happy?

Not married? You need legal advice, is your home in both names? Don't wait for the youngest to be through school, you are modelling a dire relationship for your children to copy. Show them this is not what they should aspire to.

He's damaging your relationships with your children. I wouldn't wait another five years for him to fuck them up more.

Don't wait too long.

Don't wait, your dc are already starting to copy his behaviour.

Do you own your house, mortgage or rent? Have a look in the benefits calculator and see how much you could claim, you might be surprised. Don't forget he will also have to pay child maintenance

Don't wait five years - you think it means that all of your children will have a "stable" childhood, when in fact all it means is that all three will have spent 100% of their childhood watching their father abuse their mother.

I know its easy to say "leave now" but I think you should consider it. "I'll leave in five years time" is really just saying "I am going to stay in this relationship waiting for some imaginary future point where it becomes easier to leave."

It won't get easier to leave, OP. It will get harder. Because he'll have had five more years to grind you down, or invent crises that mean you can't "abandon the family ".

What do you need to have in place to leave him in say, the next four months? Maybe we could help you make a plan, build up a support system, info about benefits, etc?

My mum waited until we were all grown up before leaving. I must admit I resent her for that, she could have saved me (as the youngest) years of living in a toxic family. I know that she thought she was doing the right thing but sometimes the best environment is not a nuclear family.

My ex always knew best no one else could possibly have a valid opinion. He did very little with the dc and even less round the house. We too had 3dc. It got to the stage where I really couldn't bear the sight of him things were that bad. Splitting up was not easy but I had to do it for my own sanity, and it wasn't fair on the children having a mum who was so unhappy. Financially I was worse off for years but that seemed insignificant compared to how much more relaxed our household was, nobody having to walk on eggshells. Even if you think the dc haven't noticed the atmosphere they will have done. Please don't wait 5 years start making plans now.

He is 55

So he will be 60 when you plan to leave? Get out now, OP. Men in their sixties are buggers for suddenly developing health issues that mean their wives morph into their carers. How would you feel if you were counting down until your child was 16, then DH developed some health condition that meant you'd feel like a bitch for "abandoning" him? Get out while you have the chance.