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Original poster

DH and AS - Can't cope!!

17 replies

jojo38 · 12/10/2004 10:19

Hiya.
I sent in a post a week or so about my DH and I had a few replies (Thanks) - one mentioned AS - Aspergers Syndrome. It all clicked so I looked it up on the Net. It all makes sense. Every bit. The only thing is, I don't know if I can cope with it all. His brother is Autistic, my own son (from previous relationship) has recently been diagnosed with Dyspraxia and I have a teenage son going through the mill of adolescence! A demanding, critic of a mother (who is disabled and needs my attention and help) Now this... I know it all needs careful handling and it isn't anyone's fault, but I am not sure if I have the energy for it all.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
JuniperDewdrop · 12/10/2004 10:33

Awww jojo you've got your fair share of worry hun. Are there any support groups out there? Maybe if you post on the SN board you'll get some good advice?

spacemonkey · 12/10/2004 10:59

blimey you poor thing, that is a lot to have to cope with. You need lots of support. Have you got friends/family nearby who help you with all this?

Jimjams · 12/10/2004 11:02

There's a good book- published by Jessica Kingsley- can't remember the exact name (but it will be on the website) something like An Aspergers Marraige, also Aspergers in Love (???) I think these are 2 separate books. They're meant to be very good, and jessica's very efficient if you order directly through her site.

coppertop · 12/10/2004 11:06

There's a book called "loving Mr Spock" by Barbara Jacobs about her life with her AS husband. I haven't read it yet so don't know how good it is.

My own dh is more like Data from Star Trek, including the odd head movements and complete lack of understanding about people.

coppertop · 12/10/2004 11:07

Ooops! Forgot to mention that my dh has been told he almost certainly has AS.

JuniperDewdrop · 12/10/2004 11:11

I was reading a book once that said it's all to do with the male brain? Aren't we all supposed to display some degree of it? My nephew is severely autistic and my cousin is AS but undiagnosed iykwim so I'm not trying to trivialise autism in any way as I know how devastating it can be.
I've seen signs of it in my own DH and my FIL but maybe it's after reading this book? Even women can have the male brain according to the book?(wish I could remember the name of it)

Original poster
jojo38 · 12/10/2004 14:35

Thank you all. I will search for the books you mention. It is difficult to face at the moment. I have just spent a lot of my time finding out all about Dyspraxia! Im in the UK - this is something new to me so I am not sure what sort of support there is here...esp where I live in the uk.
In a funny sort of way, I am relieved to know that I am not alone with this problem. I am so grateful for your replies. Thanks a lot!

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 12/10/2004 14:47

Hi Jojo38. I guess I am slightly posting from the other side of the coin - I have been told recently that I most probably have AS. I think I remember from you original thread that your DH went to counselling; would he be willing to go Relate with you to try and improve your relationship?

I think in a lot of ways whether or not DH has AS isn't the issue. The issue is whether or not DH is willing to adapt his behaviour so that you feel more appreciated and/or whether you can take his behaviour less personally. Where the AS kicks in, is that if he does have AS, he is far less able to instinctively give the "correct" social responses, and realise that his behaviour should be different than if he didn't have AS, and will need more of your input as to what the "correct" social response would be.

You do sound like you have an awful lot on your plate. Do you have enough of a chance to get a break and get some "me time?"

take care
x

Original poster
jojo38 · 12/10/2004 22:43

Hi Mummytosteven.

Thanks for your reply. I am not sure what to do next to be honest. I am not certain whether this is AS and he has got into a "routine" of being this way. If this is the case, then I am not sure he can change. We have huge rows, he "makes the effort" (we both try) for about 2 days then all goes back to the way it was. He drinks a lot too. He starts at lunch time then thats all he does for the rest of the day til he goes to bed. He is never violent but his mood changes and gets "aggressive" in the way he is talking... usually about work or something about himself.
As I said, this AS business is all new to me. I am not sure that I can cope.
I know this sounds bad but I have had my fair share of "keeping it all together" with a previous xh. I was hoping this time round would be more of him taking care of me, understanding, appreciating, knowing... etc...
I do think there is something there other than the typical self centred male streak.
He mentioned to me that he volunteered to see a "doctor" when he was at college, years ago. Apparently this doc put him on some medication and DHs father went berserk!
DH has an autistic brother. Their mother died when DH was only 12 and his bro 7. FIL denied the difficulties both children were having and even now, still denies his other son is autistic. FIL didn't want yet another "not quite right" child... so he stopped DH getting any sort of help.
DH married a nutso, he believed being a husband was doing what the wife told him to all the time.. so he did... never thought anything about who HE was or what HE needed.
Now, it is me who seems to be picking up the pieces of yet another shattered soul. EEEK... one day I will get to know who I am.
It isn't that I don't love him, I do... but it is so frustrating. It is like having another child in the house.
I will read more and hopefully he will remain interested in sorting things out. He says he loves me but I am not sure that he has been loved enough in his life to know what love feels like for him.

Sorry its so long winded... thanks again.
hugs

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 12/10/2004 22:52

Hi Jojo38. I hadn't realised that your husband was drinking as well. I think that until he stops drinking so much you won't be able to get an idea of the "real" him and won't be able to get much sense out of him anyway. Alcohol is a depressant so if he is feeling down he will just feel worse anyway, and alcohol would probably make him lethargic in general. Have you considered speaking to Al Anon?

Chandra · 13/10/2004 00:13

Jojo, I'm sorry for what you are going through, I haven't seen your thread but a few days ago I posted a thread about the same, do you mind if Iask you how the thread was called? DH and I made one Aspergers test and we both had very high scores just in the border of AS, so I will be interested to see what other people tell you about it. TIA

Original poster
jojo38 · 13/10/2004 23:37

Mummy to steven... He has been to Al Anon... a while back. I know he is dependent on it, but there are so many degrees of alcoholism, I wish I knew more about it. I keep meaning to go to a support grp near me for partners and family/friend of alcoholics. Perhaps now I will.

Chandra... hi hun, I have left a message for you too on your thread! We keep missing eachother. I don't understand your question here - how is it called? can you elaborate what it is you need to know? Ta hun.
{{hugs to all}}

OP posts:
Original poster
jojo38 · 13/10/2004 23:38

I think I will get that book that coppertop mentioned, "living with Mr Spock" - sounds a good read. I will let you know when and if I get it.

Anyone else read it?

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 13/10/2004 23:41

Hi JoJo - I was think of Al Anon in terms of you getting support - Al Anon is the name of the group supporting families/partners of people with alcohol problems. I agree that there are degrees of dependency on alcohol, and levels of impact on somebody's life. I do think though that he needs to get more control over his drinking, before he can look at changing other aspects of his behaviour.

The good side is that your DH has in the past been willing to look for outside expert help - I think you have said he has been to counselling, and you say he has also been to Al Anon (do you mean Alcoholics Anonymous), so at least he shouldn't be allergic to the idea now.

take care
x

Original poster
jojo38 · 13/10/2004 23:55

Hi mummytosteven

Yes, I'm sorry.. you are right in what you are saying about Al anon.. that is the group I was thinking about going to. (sorry - bit tired)
Thanks. I do understand what you are saying, it makes a lot of sense. He has always drank but much more with his ex! Says something about her then! Seriously, I do appreciate your comments and I will look more into this area.

How are you feeling?
{{hugs}}

OP posts:
JuniperDewdrop · 14/10/2004 09:41

hi jojo, I think chandra wanted the title of your thread?

Original poster
jojo38 · 14/10/2004 10:26

Hi juniper
I found the thread... :5ys a waste of time?
and some replies....sorry I got a bit carried off with this one.
{{{Hugs}}} and thanks for the interpretation for a newbie.

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