I need to have a conversation, I think...

[DaisyBag]

I separated from my ex husband nearly 10 years ago.

Since we separated, I have had 3 short exclusive, but casual, relationships of a few months each. I used to only see them alternate weekends when my children were with their dad. They provided a bit of adult company and a bit of escapism from my real life but I had no desire to make them long term because my children were my priority. There was no love or talks about the future - those relationships were what they were.

I've now been seeing someone for a few months. It's exclusive, slow, respectful, we've met each other's friends and family but we haven't really talked about 'us' and where this is going.

If I'm honest, im not really up for another casual relationship. I've been there, done that and what I really want is love. I want someone who can/wants to spend time with my children and me; someone I can build a future with; someone I can share my life with.

It's still too early days with this man for all of that and I've no intention of rushing. But if, for example, he only wants something casual, then we need to break up because, as much as I like him, I don't want to waste my time or get hurt. Does that sound callous or too clinical?

It's not too heavy or weird to bring it up, is it?

Sorry not been I. Your situation but I don't think it's callous or clinical and it's definitely a conversation you need to have soon before you develop anymore feelings for him. Just tell him what you want and where you would like to see things go and see if you are on the right page. Good luck and hopefully someone else with better advice will turn up soo

"But if, for example, he only wants something casual, then we need to break up because, as much as I like him, I don't want to waste my time or get hurt. Does that sound callous or too clinical?

It's not too heavy or weird to bring it up, is it?"

It doesn't sound too callous or clinical - you're entitled to say that you don't want to spend any more time in casual relationships. However, if you have that conversation too early on you risk terminating opportunities that could have grown into something serious. There are exceptions but generally, I would say that, no matter how swept off your feet you are, you can't truly begin to know whether or not a relationship has real legs until 6-9 months into it because it takes some time for people to get to know each other warts and all, so to speak. But if someone voluntarily makes clear to you at the outset that they're just looking for some fun, then of course you can move on. They don't owe you a relationship and you don't owe them a bit of fun, if you see what I mean.

That's completely reasonable. Please let us know how it goes. xxx

Very reasonable OP

It’s completely the right thing to do OP. Especially since you have children. You are not pressuring or anything, just two adults discussing what they want. And better to find out now before your lives become more entwined.

Sounds like an excellent idea, make sure you are both on the same page and if not you can say its been fun. If more people did this it would solve a lot of issues early on.

Dery
Yes absolutely he doesn't owe me a relationship and I don't owe him 'no commitment'. It really is just that if he knows he doesn't want that and I know I do then there's not really a compromise to be made. We've been together for nearly 8 months. Obviously, the lockdown has got in the way a bit! But we meet up once/twice a week now for walks in the park and picnics.

I've not been in this position before, which is why I wasn't sure about bringing it up or the timings.

We had a conversation after a few weeks when we said it was exclusive and another about a week into lockdown to establish whether it was worth continuing or breaking up with not knowing when we'd see each other again. We both said we wanted it to continue. But that's it, I don't want to spend any more time in casual relationships. I'd rather be in my own than with someone who isn't committed to me.

NoMoreDickheads and Bluewater1
Thanks. He's very busy with work this week but I'll be seeing him at the weekend so I'll bring it up then.

I'm really not very good at initiating this sort of conversation though!

MrsGrindah

That's exactly what i think. He met my children briefly before lockdown - they're older and they got on really well. He's not a 'player' or an idiot and I dont think he'd mislead me.

Moonshinemisses
Thank you. I do just feel like we're too old to be winging it really. I don't date so it's not like I have other options but I don't want to get hurt either!

they got on really well

Well they liked each other and my children gave him the thumbs up!

I’d have the conversation. You may as well know now what his intentions are. 8 months and meeting up a couple of times a week sounds more than casual tho. So hopefully you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Very reasonable question to ask but just tread carefully and make it clear you are not putting pressure on him now but would like to what he would like out of relationship if say everything was still going well in a years time?
Then hopefully as time passes you start to plan things. If he never wants to bring it up every so often after the talk then be a bit wary.

8 months and meeting up a couple of times a week sounds more than casual tho

Well, yes, ordinarily I'd be inclined to agree but the world of MN and even my own experience (with my exhusband) has shown me that some men are quite happy for things to tick along nicely without having any intention of it being long term 🙄

Crystalspider

Absolutely no pressure! I guess it's just does he think of us as 'him and me' or 'us'? Does he like me and enjoy my company but knows he's never going to fall in love with me?

I'm not looking for any assurances, just his position right now and to know that he'll tell me if that changes.

I'd probably not even ask about in 12 months time really - I'll still have children at home (one doing GCSEs and one at university) so it's not like we could move in together but does he already know he never wants that to happen?

That sort of thing.

I've been quite happy with casual relationships before this and these questions have never bothered me but I'm ready for something proper and real now and I just don't want to waste my time if he's where I have been in the past as I've known it would never change both because of who I was and who they were.

Hi

I thought I'd update since you were all so kind enough to encourage me to speak to him.

I saw him this weekend - we are each other's 'support bubble' now.

He was quite surprised I'd brought it up. He said he's never been one for 'casual dating' and thinks he's probably a bit old for that now. We'd previously said we were exclusive and, as far he is concerned, we are in a serious relationship. He wondered if it meant I was having doubts. I'm not.

He doesn't really date, his last relationship ended 5 or 6 years ago and he's been single except for the odd date here and there since.

He wants a proper relationship and someone to grow old with. Whether that's the two of us, only time will tell but he's happy with me and as long as were both happy as one month rolls into the next...

Good news! Sounds very positive, hope all goes well

Yay, glad it went well. Best wishes xxx