Worrying I'm a bit too messed up

[763freedom]

I have had a bit of a rough ride over the last decade...consequently I have low self esteem, am quite insecure and have a significant amount of trust issues - not just men, but everyone.

I have worked really hard on letting my guard down in this respect & trusting people, but I always have this niggling feeling that I am getting f*ed over somehow and I shut down and try and protect myself emotionally.

I have been dating someone for nearly a year - due to circumstances (both have young kids) it won't really progress to living together or anything much more serious than where we are at the moment.

Usually things are really great between us, it's just sporadically (often when things are getting close with us emotionally) my defense modes kick in and I pick up on the smallest things and my gut tells me that I'm at risk of getting messed around or he's not being truthful about something - I know it's just my defense mechanism to not get hurt, but there's always an element of doubt there.

It's never an argument, things are usually spoken about and resolved in a good way. However it always feels, to me, like I'm causing a speedbump or a setback, in an otherwise nice relationship that we have. It feels like I'm self sabotaging and things would just be fine if I didn't overthink.

So I guess I'm asking has anyone worked through this? How did you over come it?

Is it fair to keep a relationship going when you are still working on yourself? x

I’ve been on the receiving end of this twice. It’s a horrible feeling someone not giving you their all and believe me, you know it. Only you know how you feel but I’d advise work on yourself first x

It sounds like you are maybe coming across as a bit spiky... Like one of those movie characters who just isn't going to be messed around with anymore and are hypersensitive to any sort of undercurrent of impending disappointment? You know ... " I'm going to be be ready to walk away before anyone abandons or rejects me because it's going to hurt less" . I have felt like that from time to time in my life but it doesn't tend to stay because it's a pretty tiring way to live .

Personally I think it's okay to stay in a relationship while you're doing work on yourself in this way but only if you can tell the other person about it all , it should be a part of your life . You have nothing to feel bad about , you have identified a negative pattern and are looking to address it . That is really amazing . You should be proud of yourself .

OP the reality is that, no matter how cautious we are, there are no guarantees in life. Since you have not really gone into details, we can't really tell if any of your worries are warranted or not. Supposing it's nothing alarming, all I can say is you cant live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And really, none of us are perfect, even in the most loving relationships there will be issues here and there, it's all about how you both deal with them.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 yes I very much identify with that description sadly & yes it's tiring, a bit of a rollercoaster - which is why I'm trying to sort myself out with counselling etc.

@justc
Once incident when we just started dating, went to one of his work socials and they were all drunk and doing rude dancing and one of his (married) colleagues made a bee line for him and he reciprocated, in front of me. It was very embarrassing and awkward. He did apologise profusely and thought it was in a joking manner (of course, in front of the new girlfriend, great joke).

Second incident he told he had been hit on and offered sex by a customer at his p/t job at a bar. From the sounds of what happened he had actively flirted back with her all evening (inviting her behind bar & doing shots etc) and at the end of the night she had been pretty relentless about asking him to go back with her. He didn't and nothing happened (I am friends with the other bar staff too and he was with them after shift finished) but I think it knocked me back a bit.

After posting I think it's clear I wouldn't be asking for help with how I'm feeling or what I should do, if I didn't know deep down what I needed to do. Part of me at the moment would be relieved to not have to think about it all the time but the other part would be very sad about not having him in my life.

I will have a chat later with him.x

From the incidents you describe, your feelings about what he might do are absolutely not unreasonable or because you are messed up.

Don't second guess yourself. xxx

Maybe you just need more time to be able to trust him.
If there is no evdience of anything bad, then you just have to take a leap of faith.
Anytime where you don't feel respected is when you need to protect yourself. Any questions about anything, you can always post on here for a different perspective on things.

Crystal- OP describes some incidents in her update. I don't think she's being completely irrational, what do you think?

Posts crossed over, I took too long to post while eating.

Oh dear, bit weird why he needs to tell you all this, a lot of people throwing themselves at him hmmm, not the way to make you feel secure, I would wonder what his motives were.

At the time I assume he was flattered and thought it was funny. Plus I am friends with people he works with there so assumed it would get back to me in some way...so hot it out the way by telling me first?

That was a while ago now though and was all resolved to a certain extent...but obviously is still niggling at me a bit.

*got

The incidents you mention would be a dealbreaker for me if I was in a committed relationship and they would leave me with doubts in a new relationship . So you're not alone in feeling how you feel . I like being the "one and only" and honestly , I wouldn't compromise on that . But .. if you've dealt with it and there were obviously some mitigating factors then if I were you I would let it go .

Obviously with the idea that if it were to happen again going forward then it would be over . Sometimes people can get "stuck" in situations like this and maybe he didn't feel like you had been going out long enough to say "I don't feel comfortable, I have a gf/dp etc. At this stage you need to either let it go or break up . Holding on is hurting you now . You sound like you've had a hard time , I hope you get a break with everything x

Hm the first incident: new relationship, so he doesn't know what's acceptable to you, as in their group it's deemed fine to behave like that when you get your drink on. Discussed, explained you are not comfortable with that, he seems to get it's not really ok since he apologised profusely. Now with the second incident I would be more than annoyed, at this point he knows for you flirting is not ok( I say for you, as diff couples have diff views, not in a critical way). So he's either an asshole who knows you have trust issues and doesn't respect your boundaries, or, in his deluded mind, is trying to show you what a catch he is ( as women are still hitting on to him). So, yes, after the second incident I wouldn't say you are being unreasonable to have doubts. Where you go from here I dont know, do you think it's worth proceeding with caution (trying to protect your feelings in case it goes to hell later), or cut down now. I honestly don't know what to advise. Just know that your caution/doubt doesn't sound irrational after the second incident. Hugs

Thanks all. Relieved it's not just in my own head.

I think I am just going to take some time to look after myself and have some space, back off a bit. I'd let my boundaries down a little bit and realised I'm not quite comfortable yet with that, so will take it at my own pace.

In my head I know that if anything like it were to happen again I would be done. I guess I'm kind of waiting for or expecting it to happen, which is why I'm feeling this way. I'm not sure if that's my trust issues or whether I am just over the relationship as a result of those things. Either way it isn't healthy.

Thanks for letting me chat it out and untangle it with a bit of perspective. X

You have some boundaries placed in your head , if he does anything that makes you feel like you're competing with others/dances inappropriately/ overtly flirts over an evening ... Add more as you think of them . These are the kind of boundaries I would have as well .

Whether or not you've had enough is up to you to decide . You don't need to justify a break up at all. If it's not right then that's okay . If you're not sure if it's a knee jerk reaction or historical trust issues just slow things down until you feel more comfortable . That's okay as well. Xx