Coercive control - can it ever be benign?

[theinvisablewoman]

I will try and keep this short. Was very close to my first cousin , kids similar ages , lots of holidays together . Dinner at each other's houses etc.
She had a nasty split with her ex I think we supported her through that.
Now she has a partner let's call him Ken who she's known for some time . He has moved in with her and gradually slowly we have been eased out of her life.
He is pleasant to us but I think makes it clear we are to be kept at arms length.
They do absolutely everything together and even if I do see her alone ( before lockdown it's got worse since then) he would be constantly phoning her with trivial things .
Now we haven't really seen her since lockdown . We did go round there and sat in the garden one sunny morning but it was pretty clear to me we should make a move.
She has said a couple of times that Ken isn't all she'd like but that normally if she's had a drink and I don't want to pursue it unless 100% sober.
Now it's got to stage where even phone calls have to be pre arranged. She'll text to say I'll call you tomorrow then doesn't with another text to say sorry was busy with XYZ.
I can't decide if I'm the problem- I can be pretty surly and grumpy about it all- or is there something more sinister at play.

Your subject line is 'funny' in that the whole point of coercive control is it is not benign, because the person is being pressured/made to do stuff that they don't want to.

It does sound like this is the case with your sister. You seem to be doing as much as you can.

If she raises it again when drunk or whenever then ask her for more details, as maybe she was hinting that she may want to go into it a little with you. You don't have to give any opinions (if you can avoid it if you've had a drink too- otherwise, maybe you're right not to go there!) I think if she's in a situation where she says aloud that she's not happy with certain things it might help her acknowledge and act on it.

You could tell her that she's always welcome round yours or whatever you feel able to promise- just so she knows that if it seems like if you're seeing her a bit less than before she was with this Ken, it's not because you've gone off her or don't want to know her.

Maybe you could ask 'how are things with you and Ken?' 'How's Ken treating you?' Sometimes, so she has an opportunity to talk about or think through what's happening.

The only time 'coercive control' would be benign is if for instance the person has severe health problems and needs a loved one to make sure they take their meds or don't run around in the street naked or something. And then it's not really 'coercive control' as long as it's done well, it's just caring for the person.

BDSM is a thing but even then it isn't/shouldn't be coercive, as the person fully agrees to it.

Thankyou for that very calm and measured reply .
Can I ask what is BDSM?

Bondage, domination and sado masochism, and a big red flag for a controlling relationship.
Coercive control is never benign, and BDSM isnt relevant to this thread.

There are some online resources you can send to your friend, if you can find a way to do it without him spying on her.
She might feel like she wants him to leave but isnt quite ready to go through the hassle of dealing with it.

Red flags of abusive relationships;
newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I don't believe coercive control can ever be benign in an relationship of equals like PP have said . I haven't thought about it in other context which is interesting.

The big problem you have here is that these are suspicions , based largely on how your friend has changed in her attitude towards you since she met this man? You don't really have anything concrete to say that this is caused by him ? ( I suspect that it has everything to do with him ) ..

Any advice I've ever seen is to make whatever efforts you can to "educate" your friend about this . Email her an interesting article that you've found , that kind of thing . Get the Lundy Bancroft book and say it's really popular , every woman should read it ... You've got it with you if she wants to borrow it ..... Be there for her .

Just to say I would initially be subtle about this , if you are too direct with her she may cut contact and this would not be good .

Ultimately she is an adult who makes her own decisions ... You can't tell her what to do over and above letting her know directly or indirectly what you think may be going on , frustrating as that is .

Yes I suspect she is being isolated (first part of the abuse process) if you two haven’t had a direct fall out.

Has her contact with other family and friends changed - you could ask them subtly.

Are the cousins still keeping in touch?

What were the circumstances of her split with her ex? Was he abusive - if so did she learn anything and is she emotionally educated / literate on this stuff?

Tread carefully. Plant seeds. Nothing specific to him or her. Keep monitoring. Look and listen v closely to her.

BDSM isnt relevant to this thread.

@Thelnebriati All I was saying is that even that isn't 'benign coercive control' as such, as it is all deliberately agreed to, so not coercive (in theory- though it can easily turn/be nasty as you say.)

If it was benign, it wouldn't be a crime punishable by imprisonment.

I would just try and talk to her when you get the chance. Maybe suggest a day out somewhere (after lockdown) that'll give you time to lower her guard and open up to you.

And in my experience when someone's partner says don't come round or call her...….I do what I want.....if he is trying to control, her you need to make him see early on that he doesn't control you and you will always be there for her.
My friend is in a similar situation and I make a point of staying in touch as one day she'll leave him and she'll need her friends around her.

Don't give up on her.

Thankyou day much fir your replies.
I think I will have to try and step up as I must be honest I've been angry with her fir allowing this .
Your answers are putting a different slant on things

Okay , you know her really well and are well placed to talk to her but just remember.... It can be really easy to get into a relationship like your cousin has . She probably hasn't intended to hurt you at all and has been making decisions to make ken happy because it's seems like her only choice .

She's probably feeling really confused right now . You are good to care about her so much .