An odd request

[PurpleButterflyAway]

Would it be possible to have a hand hold or some sort of grip on reality without me going into the full story? I feel like I’m losing my mind, I feel like I’ve been incredibly stupid and naive and I’m in a really dark place right now.

I think I’ve got to leave my DP but I just feel too broken. I need him, I love him beyond anything but I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve realised a lot through lockdown, especially reading this forum, but any time I try to post about the issue I can’t bring myself to type it all out.

I’m sorry if that sounds like a rambling wreck, I’m sorry it doesn’t provide any sort of helpful information at all and I’m really sorry if it’s frustrating to have someone ask for support without knowing what they need it for. I just really can’t talk about it right now but I really need someone to care

Big hug and no questions asked from me :)
Look after yourself, jump in the shower, put some clean clothes on, get a hot drink and come back, we’re here 🤗

Things always seem really hard and unfixable at the start, you may doubt your choices too, but in a few weeks the sadness will start to lift, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will be thankful you left. You will wonder why you didn't do it before. You will grow and become a better version of yourself, a much happier version!

You do you!!

You can do it 👊👊

"I think I’ve got to leave my DP but I just feel too broken. I need him, I love him beyond anything but I don’t know who I am anymore"

And you will not so long as you are with this person for what could well be very weak reasons. You only get one shot at this life here; make it count. Set yourself free of pain and misery, be on your own to work out what it is you want from a relationship. If there has been abuse of any type within this relationship its over in any event.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Presumably this all happened to you over a period of time, was this person all sweetness and light to you at the beginning then there were changes in behaviour from him, he started to get more nasty more often?.

Read about codependency in relationships (your reference to you needing him and loving him beyond anything made me think that, are you confusing love with codependency here?) and look also at the Freedom Programme online if there is or has been abuse of any type within this relationship.

@BuddhaAtSea thank you, I really appreciate that.

@Jessy2903 I’m not sure if I can leave, I don’t have anyone apart from him and DD. And he does love me, I don’t want to hurt him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don’t know if there’s been abuse, sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. I have PND, I’m not sure what’s just me being over sensitive to things anymore or if it’s all just in my head or if I’m just taking things the wrong way. I never really thought there was a problem before, there’s some things I don’t like so much but I compromise if DP feels strongly about it.

I get a man that loves me and DD out of this relationship. I think he wants the best for me, he encourages me to do things like speak to the doctor when I feel crap or to go back to college etc. He wanted me to make friends so I tried that but they used me and filled my head with crap so I stopped seeing them, my mental health got quite bad and he ended up really worried about me because of it.

I had an abusive childhood, didn’t learn much good about relationships because of it. Left home at 16, met DP two years later and for the first time in my life knew what it was like to have someone love me and care about me. We’ve been together 10 years now, had DD 3 years ago.

He was amazing when we first met, saved me from myself in a lot of ways. I think I’m just feeling overwhelmed by everything, it’s been a really long 3 months. I’m sorry, think I’m wasting everyone’s time. I’m really sorry

OP, are you in a bad mental health situation where making any big decisions right now is a bad idea because you aren't thinking straight or with any real perspective, or are you in an objectively bad situation which is severely affecting or causing you to have poor mental health?

Deciding which of these two apply is the key to resolving your current relationship crisis. You need to talk to someone outside of the relationship. We can help you here on MN if you tell us the story, or do you have a friend or relative you can confide in? Also, are you accessing any talking therapy right now, if not then please do, though I appreciate it takes a lot of time to be seen. Are you on medication? Speaking to your gp is a good idea.

And I would add, that it is perfectly possible and OK to still love someone, but not be in a relationship with them because you are not good together.

It's difficult because sometimes the saviour types are actually abusive and it doesn't suit them for their damsel to get well.

Are you getting help with your pnd?

Would it be possible to, for example, go to your mum with dc for a couple of weeks to get a bit of time away from the situation to see it more clearly? (only a. you have the option , b. your parent isn't toxic themselves).

Of course we are all here to support you in whatever way you need, and are happy to listen if you feel able to open up, too.

I need him

You ideally don't need him. I have a severe mental health disability I've had for life, but I'm single and I get by. You can form a relationship with professionals that means you get support if and when you need it from people who are trained to know how to respond. If you need support to tick over at some point, contact your GP, consultant, or a therapist.

The problem with feeling you need someone is that then if they treat you badly you feel you have to live with it as you don't have an alternative. So, they can get away with anything/suboptimal behaviour.

It's always good to move away from a 'need' or powerless position to one where you have an equal balance of power in a situation, and have as complete power and control as possible over your own life.

You are not wasting anyone's time!!!

Have you had any counselling re your own childhood, I would be urging you to contact NAPAC in this respect particularly if you have not spoken to them

Link is here:-
napac.org.uk/

This man you are now with rescued you but a person cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works. I was also thinking along the lines category was writing about. You do not owe him a relationship.

I was also going to ask if you are currently receiving treatment for your PND; this is a must.

(Sorry, cross posted/reading comprehension fail on my part in my previous post. )

OP, are you OK?

Thanks everyone for the support, sorry I disappeared. I was really struggling with the way I was feeling and I couldn't work out whether or not I was overreacting or not. My head is a bit straighter now though.

@BendyLikeBeckham I'm ok I think, I still can't work out how I feel or what happened really though.

DP had sex with me the Sunday before I posted, I'd said no and I'd tried to stop him but he assumed I was "play acting" (his words) even though that's not something we've done ever done or discussed before and given my past it's not something I'd have ever wanted to do. But I know he loves me, I don't know if he'd have purposefully kept going if he thought I wasn't into it.

He's agreed to give me some space for now, but I think maybe our versions of space are different as he's still over every day, just not spending the night atm. There's been other things that can come across as maybe a bit emotionally/mentally unkind but I feel so confused about it and any time I get upset at something he tells me that I'm having a depressive episode and I need to go back to the doctor. The doctors been happy with my MH though, she took me off antidepressants last year because she thought I'd made really good progress and I had support from DP, she's reluctant to put me back on to them because the CPN doesn't feel I need them either though DP thinks I need to switch surgeries as he thinks they're extremely unsupportive and don't understand MH issues. I was prescribed propranolol for anxiety though, so maybe I am just overly anxious and reading too much into everything. Possibly a bit of lockdown fever, maybe speaking to the doctor again would be a good idea too

Your DP is a rapist and he is trying to gaslight you. He is the problem not your GP. If you can, try to be clear on the space you need and plan your escape safely. Womens aid and rape crisis may be able to support you through this. I'm sending you love and strength, my beautiful. Xxxx

You've been raped. You need to talk to your GP and take it from there. The GP might help you with this and support you through it -but this is rape. You might love him. But this is not how someone who loves you -should or would treat you.Your GP can refer you for counselling -hopefully some specialised service.

DP had sex with me the Sunday before I posted, I'd said no and I'd tried to stop him

That's not having sex with you.

He's agreed to give me some space for now, but I think maybe our versions of space are different as he's still over every day

He's agreed to give you space after he raped you, but is still violating your boundaries, getting in your space when you've asked him not to.

There's been other things that can come across as maybe a bit emotionally/mentally unkind

Feel free to tell us about these incidents if you feel able.

any time I get upset at something he tells me that I'm having a depressive episode and I need to go back to the doctor

That's emotional abuse, designed to make you doubt yourself, blame yourself and put up with stuff.

maybe I am just overly anxious and reading too much into everything

No, you're not, you're right. x

maybe speaking to the doctor again would be a good idea too

You could if you like, to tell them your partner is falsely trying to tell you your concerns are because you're mentally ill whenever you question his behaviour, and that he raped you.

You could ask him for the key back if he has one, so he can't come in unless you want him to.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. I get it.

It is very very hard to accept the label of the 'R' word when you have non consensual sex within a relationship. It feels just so momentous and scary, and the implications can seem too much to deal with. So we minimise and excuse it. Plus, we struggle to understand how someone who we believe loves us, can ever ever do such a terrible scarring thing to us. Google cognitive dissonance with marital rape.

Dealing with rape or other sexual assault (and I'll call the spade a spade because this needs to be your light bulb moment) can be just as scary after the event as during it I think, because the trauma doesn't stop for you when he stopped having sex with you when you didn't want it. You need to process this. You are experiencing trauma. And you shouldn't do it alone. Please call Rape Crisis or Womens Aid, or even the Samaritans because you need to TALK about it.

MN is also a wonderful supportive sounding board for women experiencing abusive relationships, and please post here if it helps you at all.

Amongst all the LTB (because you know you must) will be plenty of women who have been in your shoes and will understand how difficult that decision may seem right now.

Why don't you start by posting all the things you aren't happy about in your relationship, and all the things you would like it to be, because it will help give you perspective and see what is wrong with the current one. And sexual abusers rarely limit their abuse to the bedroom. It is often just one element of being entitled and selfish, and doing what he wants regardless of what you want.

Please speak to Rape Crisis.

You're not overreacting PurpleButterflyAway. I'm so sorry he's put you through so much. I know how impossible it can feel, but please try to reach out for support to the places PPs have mentioned. It is so hard when you're feeling broken, but you deserve that support and care.

What he did was rape, I can't imagine how much it hurts that he of all people could do that. I'm struggling to accept DH blame for far less, mental and emotional abuse and losing it and terrifying me. It is easier to think I did something wrong than trying to reconcile the fact someone I loved so much, someone who's rescued me and been their for me, someone I'd been with for 20 years could hurt me and scare me and not even care. I'm struggling with the cognitive dissonance on something that's so much less than what your 'D' P has put you through. Please keep posting and reaching out, there's some great support on MN for women in abusive relationships.