Is this just lockdown frustration or is it over?

[FlopsyDoodle]

Dh and I have been struggling for over a year - no abuse or cheating just general lack of communication and struggling with him working away and me being stuck at home with dc’s. We talked about it in Jan and decided we wanted to try and work things out, we were starting to make progress (I think) but then lockdown happened.

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday (I normally only see him Saturday morning - Sunday early evening though due to him having to work long hours and long commute. Since he has been home I think I’ve realised that I might actually hate him. He’s driving me mad - he’s in his office room 8.30 - 7pm, finishes work, eats tea, goes for a bike ride, has a shower and then sits in his office watching films. He doesn’t interact with the kids day to day, if they ask him to do anything he just says he’ll do it at the weekend as it’s a work day, even if it’s something like ‘can you help me find my shoes?’

He just walked into the sitting room and I was in the sofa with a cup of tea at my feet. He gasped and dived to get it, picked it up and handed it to me shaking his head as if I’d just left a kilo of heroin on the floor for the kids. Now I’m sitting in the bathroom crying because he thinks I’m so incompetent that I can’t drink a cup of tea without it being a massive safety risk. I’m so fucking angry and fed up of this miserable bastard just lurking around the house like a fucking dementor.

Get your tea and put it back on the floor. If your kids are old enough to look for their own shoes, they are old enough to avoid mugs. What wpuld happen if you put the kids to bed and then went to have a serious come-to-Jesus talk with him?

He flat out wouldn’t talk to me. I tried to talk to him a couple of weeks ago saying that I felt like we were going backwards and slipping back into old habits. He just told me it’s a weird time, everyone hates it at the moment and there was no point trying to fix things at the moment as it would only add more stress.

How hot is the tea? If it wouldn't do serious injury, he'd be wearing it right now if I were you.

He sounds awful. What on Earth is there to work on. I'd look at how you can manage without him.

Sounds like your managing as a single mum already, would you even notice if he was to go full time?? Xx

god what a miserable life OP i'm so sorry. Like poster said above, you're a single mum already but with a miserable controlling bloke living with you. Nothing about him sounds nice. Any way you could think about going it alone? I know things are difficult during a pandemic but in a way it's a bit of a shit test to relationships, you shouldn't be feeling this bad, you should be pulling together and emotionally supporting each other - for better for worse those vows said.

Wow. He sounds awful. Surely he should be embracing the extra time with the children as he gets so little normally.
How old are the dc?
Sounds like he has checked out and doesn't respect you at all. Wouldn't be surprised if he was getting his ducks in a row. Please do the same

No, not "everyone hates it right now" EVERYONE who has read your posts hates HIM

I don't know, it's difficult to tell from your post. Could just be frustration.

It's not good that he doesn't spend much time with the DC. Does he spend time with them at all on the weekends??

How is your relationship in general, any affection between you?? Do you feel you love him??

The tea thing doesn't sound too bad actually, yes it was rude of him and inconsiderate and over reaction, but I would've just called him out on it. Unless it was a really nasty tone??

Maybe you should really spell it out to him that things NEED to be worked on consistently or else you will leave. His reaction will probably say a lot.

Dc’s are 7 and 4. He will do stuff with them at the weekend but I don’t think he’s ever taken them anywhere or suggested any activity that I haven’t organised first.

I know the tea thing wasn’t a big deal really. It was just the first time I’d seen him all day and the first thing he dies when he walks in the room is look at me as if I’m playing Russian roulette with the kids rather than them sitting watching tv on one side of the room and me on the other with a half empty cup of tea on the floor.

The relationship is pretty shit. We genuinely did used to be really happy. I got very ill when pregnant with dc2 and was unwell for about the first year of his life. I didn’t have the energy to do anything other than the bare minimum- Dh got pissed off with coming home to no tea and a messy house (he used to commute daily), I got resentful that he didn’t seem to appreciate quite how ill I was. We never seem to have recovered from that. I keep trying to put it behind me but there is just this constant simmering resentment that I just can’t shake.

I don’t know if counselling would help? Dh has claimed to be open to it in the past but I think he’d be genuinely horrified to hear me say that i really dislike him at times. I’ve said it before in arguments but he says as soon as I get angry he’s not listening to me and walks out the room.

Were you happy before your illness because you did everything and that suited him fine?

If you were happy before, maybe counselling could help?? If there are no abuse issues.

I think he needs to really, really properly understand how him not understanding your illness has damaged things, and be willing to work to repair that.

I get what you mean OP. I think. I'm in a long long term relationship where there have been many things we've overcome. However recently I suffered severe mental health problems for a time and mine was worse than non supportive, in fact he was bordering on cruel and didn't even attempt to understand, just saw it as an inconvenience. I was so so hurt at the time, but now I feel numb to him. Feels like he is 'fairweather' and fickle. My family and a friend stepped up to get me through it and he did not. He just acts like nothing ever happened, back to normal, but I've no idea if I'll ever feel the same again (and this was someone I was still crazy for after many many years).

I guess take your time. It could be that he's avoiding working on things because for you that could mean him having to really 'get' that how he behaved when you were ill damaged things.

Well, of course you haven't recovered from the situation when you were ill.

A decent partner shows kindness. You got none. He didn't care.

How can you come back from that? He's horrible.

He's used to only being a "family man" for 36 hours a week and now it's 24/7 - I imagine he's irritated that his unencumbered life is on hold.

Who is he spending time with the rest of the week?