He's done it again

[buzzwoodyear]

So today I discovered my OH has used cocaine again, not sure how many times but it's at least once. The last time I caught him out I told him if he ever did it again that would be it, we'd be over. So once is enough, isn't it?

I think he's also addicted to oramorph which he must be getting from the doctor but he's not been in pain like I would imagine you'd need to be to have it prescribed. Is Oramorph even something you buy illegally?

He mentioned the other day he'd lost a stone in weight, it's now noticeable. He made out it's because he's been ill, which he has been and we assumed was a virus (not Covid). But now I'm wondering if all his "symptoms" are actually due to drug abuse. I made an off the cuff remark about how I hoped his weight loss wasn't because he was up to something again, of course he got all offended like I'd said something awful but obviously it hit a nerve.

What do I do? I know what I should do and have probably wanted to for a while. He has no where to go though if I do kick him out.

Whose house is it? If you said it was over if he took drugs again then you need to follow that through

There is a thriving trade in all opiates.

OP you said it yourself, you know what you have to do. Otherwise he's going to take it as a green light to carry on regardless.

Practically speaking, can you force him to leave or will you need to cohabit while one of you looks to move?

The last time I caught him out I told him if he ever did it again that would be it, we'd be over.

It's over then, isn't it.

Apologies, I'm not sure how to tag people. It's my house so he would need to leave. It would be tight but I'd manage.

I know what I need to do, it's just the doing it that I'm dreading. He suffers from depression so I'm also worried what he could do as a result.

You do know what to do. Kick him.out. You no longer have to worry about him. He has betrayed you again. After you stay with him yiu have only yourself to blame for all the hell you'll go through as you didn't do wjat you said you'd do. You betrayed you.

Feel the fear and do it anyway, kick him out. He has and continues to use drugs here and his primary relationship is with that. It’s never been with you, he has seen your house as a mere cosy billet and you have been used.

I would also suggest you read about codependency in relationships too.

Thank you all for your responses - I do appreciate you replying.

I know I need to do it but hate confrontation. I also know that if my daughter, friend or anyone else came to me in the same situation, I'd tell her the same as what you are all saying.

Is it wrong of me that I had to snoop to find what I did? That's how I've found out what he's been doing, he's not told me. I just had a feeling and knew something was up again. I don't trust him, I haven't done for a long time. That alone is enough to end it, without this.

I've looked up codependency, and I'd say it's scarily accurate to us.

Do you have kids together? Or a house?

I appreciate those two things would make it extra hard but you should get out of the relationship now.

You gave an ultimatum before and he's made his choice.

I say all that as an ex addict.

It's not worth it, say goodbye to him and move on.

But you warned him so this is on him. Why are you worrying all about the impact and his depression? He is the person who did the drugs after a “one more chance” conversation. If you don’t now follow through then you’ve got no chance of ever getting him to quit

Yes, we have DC. I'm a people pleaser, don't like to upset people so in the process sometimes get walked over. I know he'll be full of apologies and emotional bullshit. I'm so tired of his lies, the bickering, his manipulation. How the hell did I end up in this nightmare. My family would be mortified if they knew. What do I tell them the reason is for us splitting?!

I know that he'll twist it and try to guilt trip me being in the wrong for snooping.

Yes, we have DC. I'm a people pleaser, don't like to upset people so in the process sometimes get walked over.

If you're a people pleaser, do what would most please your children. I know that sounds black and white but think of it like that.

You told him what the consequences would be so he knew what would happen - you would leave.

HE has risked his own mental health by choosing to do it again despite your ultimatum and the consequences you explained.

Again, ex addict here. He won't get better or stop as long as he has a safe place to fall. You are that safe place. You need to leave him to it.

Your kids deserve more and you will be happier and healthier being a single parent than you will trying to parent with someone who chooses drugs over you and your kids

He won't change. Possibly his depression is triggered by his drug use; I knew someone in a similar position who suffered depression and maintained the coke made him happy and more confident, but it was making him arrogant, selfish and unkind.

His partner finally left him after one particularly bad incident involving their children, when he made them all hide in a bedroom so he could do a drug deal in the front room.

The kids will eventually be at the whim of his deteriorating moods. I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you're ok.