I want out but feel guilty

[BertBert]

I've been married for 16 years, 2 DS (14 & 12) & I want a divorce. I feel incredibly guilty writing this as my husband is a good man and, to the outside world, I have a perfect life.

I have spent the last 6 years in a well paid job that I hated & was making me ill (I nearly had a breakdown). DH made all the right supportive noises but ultimate told me I could not quit as the job was well paid and I would struggle to find an equivalent paying job with the same benefits (final salary pension). There have been other things that have left me feeling unsupported such as anything to do with the kids - childcare, school etc. was my responsibility and I had to juggle everything while he went out with friends, colleagues etc.

We currently exist in the house together. I get home form work, sort the kids, go to our room to watch TV/read a book while he stays downstairs. We get on OK but it is like housemates more than anything else.

I changed jobs about 6 months ago (due to redundancy) and have started in a position where I am really appreciated for what I do & valued. I can't remember feeling so positive about my self and look back thinking I could have felt this for a long time if DH had let me quit. I resent him for that.

My new found self-confidence has made me question myself & I find myself thinking, is this it? I've tried talking to DH to say that things need to change, we need to do more together, try & rekindle our relationship but it's fallen on deaf ears.

I don't want this anymore. I feel more lonely in my marriage than I think I would if we divorced (it's taken me a while to reach that decision - it's not a knee jerk) however am I being selfish? Everyone else seems happy with the arrangements?

I'm thinking that if we split now before the resentment and animosity sets in, we can do it amicably and that would be the best think for the children.

Nobody else involved (that I'm aware of) but I want to be able to meet someone should that happen. I guess i just want something different in my 40's than 20's and can't imagine living this half life forever.

Has anyone left what is, on the surface, a good relationship without really any substantive reasons? I have nobody I can talk this through with as everyone thinks we have the perfect life. Inside I'm drowning. I know people will tell me I'm mad, I should work at it but I have. I just feel me & DH have grown apart and want different things in life.

Honestly? If you think you can stand it until your kids have finished their GCSEs I would probably stay until theyd got through their schooling.

I left my DH when my kids were a bit younger than yours and I would be lying if I said that there had been no negative impact on their emotional and mental health.

I am happier and my kids are doing ok now but they have and have had some mental health issues and I feel massively guilty. I do wonder at what cost was my own personal happiness and if i had had my time again, knowing what I know now, I might have put up with a crap marriage for longer.

However my split was not amicable but yours might be and that would be the key here.

Everyone has their own tipping point.

I'd leave , life is too short to feel like this. It sounds like you have tried to talk to your husband and your children are old enough to notice an atmosphere.
I'd be resentful about the job situation and the fact you have to do everything child related.
Unless you follow the advice given on another thread recently, 'get a life' in a nice way. Sit him down with a calendar and explain you'll be out certain nights , he can do his things as well but it has to be equal in terms of personal free time and child care.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi BertBert. I was in exactly the same position as you are. I even posted a couple of weeks ago about not knowing what to do and feeling so guilty. I am much the same as you, I know I don't want to be with him romantically anymore but we are best friends, there is no anger or arguments. however, I knew I had to do something as the thought of hi trying to have sex with me or stay with him forever make me feel ill. it also made it complicated that we are currently saving together for a house and if we split financially it would be a disaster and set us back years, possibly forever.

I realised I needed to take control of the situation and I had a conversation with him to say for me, we are now too far in the friends zone to go back and I no longer want to be married. however, I do want to continue to pool our resources and save together to buy a house so we can have something for the future (even though eventually we will go our separate ways). this way we continue to stay in the same house (he is already in a separate bedroom and bathroom upstairs) and continue to co-parent our child (she's 11) continue to save to buy a house so we can both have something for the future. however we will not be married - I am reverting to my maiden name - and if we want to pursue other relationships we can, but we keep it out the family home. then eventually, want dd leaves home we will sell up and go our seperate ways, but at least we will be in a better position for the future, and hopefully still best friends. if there comes a time when we need to move on we will end the arrangement sooner.

I feel so much better, I feel I have finally landed on a solution that works for us both. we are completely clear that the marriage has ended, but that the whole unit works better together. there are no arguments (apart from when he is being a moody pain in arse) and I am comfortable that I will not have to live forever this way, and that there is a way out. Also, DD has both loving parents together in a
relationship that is calm.

I know this might not be for you and others may think we are crazy, but for us this works. it is the best solution whereby we acknowledge the marriage is over to ourselves and everyone else, but we don't mess up our futures financially and can continue to save together for the things we both jointly want.

Thanks - i was a bit nervous I'd be told I was lucky to not be in an abusive marriage. TBH I think the only reason we haven't split before now is because I wanted to make it work for the kids and DH is too lazy.

He is a good man but they doesn't feel like the right reason to stay.

Whilst I don't think it will be a massive shock to DH (he'll be more bothered by the inconvenience of having to sell the house etc) I think it will come as a massive shock to everyone else. Outwardly we have everything & look like the perfect couple but inside I'm dying.

I've felt like this for a long time but need somehow to get the balls to call it a day. I keep waiting for that epiphany moment that is the reason to go but I don't see it happening (and I don't want to end on a sour note - one of us cheating, fighting, arguing etc.).

I left and I also felt incredibly guilty but I waited until he was ready to accept it, we get on great and are both seeing other people, life is short just so it

I would leave, 100% (and did, when I realised I was not in love with him - never had been - that I would be deeply unhappy if I didn’t fix things, and that I deserved better, as did he).

We all did okay.

If you stay you are modelling a deeply unhealthy relationship which your children will be likely to replicate.

Thanks all. I know it's the right decision to leave as it won't get better and I don't want my kids to see this as a normal healthy relationship.

I know people like my Dad, MIL, friends etc. are going to think I'm mad & that I should stay as we have the 'perfect' life - house, car, holidays etc but I feel like I'm living in a gilded cage.

I know I will be happy on the other side it's just making the leap that is scary. I feel like I'm on the edge of a diving board on a hot day but too scared to jump in & cool down (if that makes sense!).

I feel exactly the same op, nothing useful to say but you're not alone!

Just thought I would come back & update. Sat down with DH & talked everything through a few weeks ago. Bottom line is that we started growing apart a few years back and we are now different people to what we were.

We have decided to split. Surprisingly the atmosphere in the house is lighter and more relaxed!! At the moment everything is amicable. We have had high-level conversations about the house, kids etc. but I know it won't always be like this, especially when we get into the nitty gritty of money. (DH has already said that he doesn't think he can afford to give me money for the boys as he wants to keep a similar lifestyle & I earn more - but that's a battle for another day...)

We haven't told the DC yet. We have agreed to take them away on holiday to tell them so that we have time to answer any questions and are not distracted by anything. Once we get back from holiday, we will start telling people and putting the wheels in motion.

I know there is a long bumpy road ahead but I already feel brighter & more positive. I may use this thread to chart my journey and reassure myself when I doubt what I am doing.

I'm excited about getting my own house for me, DC & the dog and starting our new journey...