Just as I had started to feel better about myself after last week, he did it. ‘Have you not eaten enough already?!’ He said smirking when I asked him to move his feet out of the way. What did my eating even had to do with this? Besides, not that I have to justify my eating to anyone, but since my fairly small pasta lunch at 12:30 earlier today, I had only eaten cucumber and bell pepper sticks with hot sauce. Nothing else.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked. ‘Well you had a big bowl of that hot sauce, didn’t you?’
I closed my laptop, holding back tears once again and said I would be going to bed now. It was only 8pm. ‘Go to bed! You’re so boring! Another night like this!’ He shouted after me. If only he knew how he’d hurt me last week. And how this silly little comment really hurt.
Not that he ever would, but I wish just for once he asked what the matter was. And I mean, genuinely asked, genuinely wanting to know, why I was sad. Why I was acting the way I did, almost every night. Although, I don’t think anything could actually fix it, because what had happened last week was the truth, and you can’t change the truth, can you?
Years ago I thought time would change it, but after 5 years it had been brought to my attention, once again. It had only been last week that I told my husband I was extremely happy and content with my life. I had also asked him the same question to which he answered ‘yeah, I guess I am, mostly at least’ and then he went onto say something about our house being bigger. But I he said he was happy, and I believed him.
I don’t anymore. Not for one moment.
The saddest part is, there is NOTHING I can do to change it. It needs to be her. Not me. Her, the girl in the pictures. A ghost from the past. A ghost he is still longing for.
Without realising it himself, he had jumped into something head first and then couldn’t get out anymore.
See, when we first got together, she was also in a new relationship. She was off the market, sort of speak. I had heard quite a lot about her though and seen a lot of photos and videos on his laptop I would have never wanted to see.
They did bump into each other at a company Christmas party that year. At which she tried to avoid him and him trying to talk to her.
At the time I though it would have just been an innocent catch up but now, 5 years later, I think differently. I know he would have got back with her in split second if she gave him the chance. And still would.
Let me explain, years ago he would tell me how he was annoyed that she had blocked him on Facebook as all of their memories (‘2 years of his life’) had disappeared from him.
Annoying? Yes. Was I jealous at the time? Yes I was. It hurt me. He wanted to look at photos of his ex even though he was with me now?
Never would I ever had thought, it would still be the case after 5,5 years in a relationship, 2 years married, mortgage and an almost 1 year old son. I would have NEVER guessed. And it wasn’t just that, wasn’t just once he mentioned her.
On Friday we had a date night at his mums house. Yes, mums house, we’re in lockdown so we did a house swap with his mum.
We made mojitos and we’re sitting in the hot tub talking. He was talking about his friends ex girlfriend being really strange and then out of subject he mentioned his ex having been very close friends with his Other friends ex girlfriend. Hmm ok, I didn’t think anything of it. I just said I really wished I was closer to his friends current girlfriend, as this way we would have double dates.
Not thinking much of this occasion, neither was I. All was good.
The following Sunday we went out for a walk down the Bay. We walked to and back the same way passing the same restaurants and other places. On the way back, he says ‘I’ve been to that restaurant and it’s a seafood restaurant. I’m still so angry about my ex girlfriends dad dragging us there since neither of us like seafood. I walked out!’
Even though it’s kind of a negative memory, it shouldn’t still cause anger or annoyance in him. It’s literally been YEARS.
Still, I let it go over my head. I just said he shouldn’t let it get to him anymore.
Now, my dear friends, we are going to get to the point that broke this camels back.
Are you ready?
We were driving home after work on Tuesday. My second day back after maternity leave. Almost on our home road, he
says ‘Remember years ago when I was annoyed that she (the ex) had blocked me and I lost all the memories....?’ I zoned out and still have no clue what he actual point was. I just said ‘I find it really weird you’d still wanna see those photos after all this time’ he then responds ‘Of course I would, it was 2 years of my life... Christmases and holidays, all gone!’
I said I’d find it a little bit disturbing if my dad for example wanted to look at photos of him and his ex girlfriend on holiday to which my husband said ‘we went to Turkey! I just think you’re a VERY JEALOUS PERSON!’
Would you be? Or would you at this point blatantly realise that you weren’t the one for him. You had almost 6 years of memories together now. What was so special about the 2 he had with her that he can’t let go of?
Oh, but I am boring. That just sums it up.
—// THE END //—
Another point to depress myself even more:
He used to take a lot of candid photos of her. I’ve asked him to take some one me and our children. I have none.
Not to forget the naked photos of her. Not that I’d want any taken of me, he hasn’t even tried.
Another point:
On our holiday together in Spain he told me that I’m much more approachable than his ex. What does that mean?