I could really do with some opinions on my situation...
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years + married for 16, 3 ds added 9, 7 and 6. We’ve always had a turbulent relationship, we got together when I was 19 he was 24 and I was is a difficult place emotionally. We used to have huge fights and we both drank too much it often got physical on both sides. I’m telling you all this bc I want to be clear that our issues are not just his fault. Anyway we split up for a bit and eventually we got back together and I sorted out a lot of what was in my head and things were calmer. We were together for 12 years or so before we had kids. The problem is that he has never really been able to deal with stress. He just lets things mount up and then he explodes and he’s aggressive and angry and unreasonable. We are both self employed and run a business together. Over the last 4-5 years we have run up quite a lot of business related debt, it’s suffocating and obv puts a lot of strain on our marriage. I always thought our problems were primarily my fault but since we’ve had children I’ve realised that he has a lot of baggage from his childhood and it feels like those issues are coming out in his relationships with his own children. I’ve gradually begun to realise that he has blamed me over the years for not having a close relationship with his family for example when in fact issues in his childhood are actually more of the root cause. His mother in particular is a very difficult person. I could write for days about her. I have never been good enough as a daughter in law and she has always kept me at arms length however hard I try. My husband has always implied I don’t like his parents, that I have issues with them and that I try to drive a wedge between them and that is the reason why they can’t be close. I find them very difficult and strange. They really lack empathy and his mother has a lot of issues but the whole family pussy foot around her. Over the years I’ve realised I’m not being unreasonable and that I’m not responsible for the lack of closeness between them. I think my husband finds it difficult to acknowledge that his childhood was pretty shit. Lately he’s been having counselling and they’ve discussed at length the lack of connection he feels he had with his parents as a child. His mother was extremely volatile and would shut him in the garden for ages for example. She would freeze him out if he was upset and everything revolves around her. She is incredibly passive aggressive and will turn every conversation around so it’s about her, if you don’t make her the centre of attention she will sulk and say how wounded she feels. To an outsider it’s farcical but that’s the dynamic in the family and no one questions the status quo. It’s exhausting. My issue is with the impact this is having on his relationship with his children. He finds them too emotional and he can’t seem to reach them when they’re upset. He just zones out and won’t comfort them. He speaks to them in a very harsh way, he is often critical and just generally seems exasperated and barks orders. He then gets so pissed off when they don’t obey him. I keep trying to explain that his needs to really engage with the kids and that just ranting at them won’t work. It’s really getting me down. And now the stress of everything is really getting to him too. He doesn’t know how to let off steam, he just lets everything mount up and then flies off the handle. Today it came to a head and he called me a fucking bitch and kicked the car in front of the kids. My eldest was in floods of tears. My husband just zoned out and ignored it all. I feel like I’m solely responsible for everybody’s MH and I’m constantly treading on eggshells. It’s all so stressful.