Terrified of introducing new man to family !!! Need a hand hold

[PiscesLady]

I am so sorry for the length of this, I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. I would just appreciate some friendly words right now and a bit of support. I will try and explain as briefly as I can.

I have met this amazing man back in December last year. So far, we have spent the odd weekend together, stayed at each other’s places as often as we could. He lives 60 miles away from myself so it’s difficult to spend time during the week.

Been on some amazing dates. Both agreed to take it slow though, he is a divorcee with 2 lovely kids, a son and daughter (teens), and I came out of a long term relationship last Summer (2019).

The last time I actually spent proper time with him, was actually back in March- because of COVID-19 we haven’t been able to stay at each other’s houses or actually meet unless at a distance

We are still in the early days, because of the lockdown since March, it has put us back in terms of introducing each other to our families…

Bit of background, I am 31, there is a 16 year age gap between us. At the moment, this doesn’t bother us. We get on great and have very similar interests. I have simply never felt this happy before with someone else in a long time. I understand this is not everyone’s cup of tea but you cannot help who you fall for right?

My family are aware I am dating this man, we are connected on social media, he is friends with a few of my family members on Facebook.

My Mum made one rude comment about his appearance after clicking on his profile (that is just from photos… I was very upset by this and I am not able to react because I am then accused of being very ‘defensive’ of him)

For example, she looked at a photo of him and said to me- “Are you serious?” I was deeply hurt by this and cannot even explain how this made me feel. I sort of felt damage was done then, how could I bring him home after that?

He is not the usual ‘neat’ type of man I go for, he is not my usual type. But he makes me happy and surely that is enough?

I have quite simply gone for how this man makes me feel… I clearly fancy him too, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him… I am at a point in my life where happiness is what I am looking for and security- which new man offers me and he is also very protective of me which I have never had before in relationships. Without even asking.

My new man, take this how you will, has a history of alcohol abuse, drugs and smoking. He is now t-total and has stopped smoking with serious help but as you can imagine it has taken a slight toll on his looks. He is quite skinny at the moment and is looking at new diets to put weight on. He does not earn a massive amount of money as he is having to support his daughter and son which I understand. He is not in designer clothes and shiny watches. He dresses as well as he can.

He does not have a car at the moment as his ex-wife has this as it is needed for the kids. He is currently saving up for one. He has never asked anyone for anything his whole life and worked hard for everything he has ever owned.
He has a job where he is a skilled worker and works 6 days a week, he is such a hard worker but that gets overlooked by a lot of people.

My family were very ‘comfortable’ shall we say with my ex-partner who I was with for 12 years… my Mum loved him like a son shall we say so clearly my new man has some ‘big boots’ to fill.

To be honest, this whole situation has made me feel extremely sad and so, so gutted. The thought of bringing this man home to meet my family just terrifies me…. Its not just been one occasion where a nasty comment has been said, there have been a few other times. I am very close with my family so this is really going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

Do I just bite the bullet? What if I am told they don’t like him…

I hope this all makes sense.

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read this. I would welcome any views xx

Why on EArth do you want to hook up with such a loser? Honestly, what next, he has a criminal record? Raise your standards. You don't even know this bloke!

I understand being desperate, I'm married to someone I don't have much in common with because the clock was ticking and he wanted kids, too, but I was your age when I met and if he'd have been some 47-year-old guy who has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, two kids, no car, blah blah blah I wouldn't have given him a look in.

There's desperate and then there is the abyss. And this is it.

C'mon. You don't need a project, you need a partner.

Please don't feel attacked @PiscesLady I realise my posts may have come across a bit aggressive perhaps but I think this thread could be a really, really useful exercise for you in thinking about what you need from a relationship and how to make sure you are happy and healthy in the long run

Your mum liked your previous partner but that ended because you were not happy and now you are.

I would never judge other people's partners, as I wouldn't want someone judging mine.

This is your life, do what makes you happy, there is no rush.

Your mum isn't the one who has to be with these guys. It's nice she felt so close to your ex, and I hope she didn't make you feel bad when it ended. She does sound a bit overbearing and I wonder whether you would normally trust her to make good decisions.

How did you feel when your relationship ended? Was it your decision or his? How did it make you feel?

If you were unhappy for so long, it's only natural you'll want someone who you can be happy with. Unfortunately you do have to think really hard before committing to someone at this stage in your life. It could be disastrous otherwise.

Can you tell us (either here or on another anonymous thread) about why you were unhappy and what your situation is now? Do you live alone? Are you happy at work? Do you have many friends, and if not, is that linked to your previous relationship?

Ah OP. Just realised the back story here.

Weirdly, on your last thread I am the last poster back at the start of May.

When he was messaging your mum and friends behind your back (after finding them himself on social media) saying he was "worried" about you because you’d been busy one day so messaged less than usual. And generally being controlling and creepy.

You said in April you'd been together a year. And that he’d met your mum a few months after you started dating.

You acknowledged how odd, manipulative and possessive his behaviour was back then so your concerns about the relationship aren’t new.

I’m worried you’re still with him despite all of that and that you’ve rewritten history somewhat to erase all of the above which means he definitely is bad news and your mum has even more reason to be concerned.

I've also read your last thread and there are red fags EVERYWHERE. You need to leave this man who is possessive, has met your mum but hasn't, messages your friends and family behind your back behind. The differences between that thread and this make me concerned for you, like you've changed up some details to make the situation ok or whatever. I think you should run, OP.

Oh I remember you!

What on Earth are you doing op?! I am not surprised your family are worried.

Ugh that creep. I remember him!

When he was messaging your mum and friends behind your back (after finding them himself on social media) saying he was "worried" about you because you’d been busy one day so messaged less than usual. And generally being controlling and creepy.

Holy shit, this is THAT guy?? Oh my god, op. What the fuck are you doing?

Honestly I really hope OP comes back so she can find the strength to end this, this guy sounds so toxic. I remember that thread as I found it so worrying and even checked in again after it had gone fairly quiet to ask if OP was ok and say I hoped she felt better.

@pisceslady I hope you are OK

When he was messaging your mum and friends behind your back (after finding them himself on social media) saying he was "worried" about you because you’d been busy one day so messaged less than usual. And generally being controlling and creepy.

Oh Gosh, I remember that thread...yes...quite creepy. That would put me right off.

Yeah, that thread was quite something.

It also also said you had been together nearly a year and that the age gap was 9 years?

So.. what's actually real about all of this?

And he never had kids

Yes I remember it too.

This lockdown is dragging out too long. All the cray crays are getting tetchy.

Even before hearing about your other thread OP, I'd be with your mother. That's because I know this type, all Peter Pan and free and easy on the surface, underneath a towering mass of anger, addiction and insecurity. "He's really skilled but no-one can see it" is what summed it up. He hasn't owned his issues or his past, he's still blaming the rest of the world for everything that's gone wrong in his life... nah.

I actually wouldn't shy away from seeing people with addictions, but only if they'd dealt with them fully and moved forward with the ability to acknowledge the part they have played in their own issues.

And that's before someone mentioned the controlling messaging...

Your username concerned me from the outset. Hope you are ok

It sounds like two completely different men .

Which of your threads is real?

Don't let him move in with you. I always say give it at least 5 years. But I think you shouldn't let him move in at all.

As with the PP...I remember your previous thread and this is all a totally different story with nothing adding up. You are rewriting everything to suit your own narrative. What is the point of posting here?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3892112-boyfriend-messaging-my-friends-behind-my-back?pg=16

Go for it OP. Get with a druggie alcoholic loser who’s old enough to be your father and treats you like a possession. Drag out your princess robes as he sounds perfect like Prince Charming.

I was going to reply to this thread.....but you can’t seem to make up your mind if he’s 9 years older or sixteen or whether he has children or not....maybe come back when you’ve sorted it out in your head.