AIBU to ask partner to be present at our DS’s birth?

[cbryce2]

Pls help as our relationship is falling apart because DH can’t get over watching me having our DS and I can’t see why he is still traumatised by it almost 6 months later?
Since coming home from hospital, he now finds it hard to make love with me and says it’s because of the the pain and whole childbirth process he witnessed. At first I tried to understand and have not initiated any intimacy between us hoping I’m allowing him time to recover. Yet just last night he brings it up again how how troubled he is after watching me have our baby
I got really upset and told him he should grow up because I went through the pain and will not be having another baby if he thinks it’s so terrible he can’t stand it again but yet wants another baby.
Now he accuses me of being unreasonable and not supportive for lashing out.
Has anyone experienced this and how do I get over him feeling this way because I completely think he shouldn’t given that he adores our DS and wants us to have another child?

I haven’t been dismissive until last night when he said he still can’t get over watching the whole birthing process.
One thing I’ve picked from reading your honest contributions is to find out what part of the process is most distressing for him- I guess counselling would help him but I also need to understand and accept it is okay for him to feel this way. - this is new to me too as I didn’t know men could be affected this badly.I didn’t think I was being insensitive as all I keep thinking is surely all the pain and distress led to us having our gorgeous boy which he adores and couldn’t see why he still complains.
The intimacy issue is there but doesn’t bother me more than the idea that he wished we have another baby yet pleaded he doesn’t want to be there. So I thought how can someone want a baby but doesn’t want to deal with the process?
Because of how he explained his trauma I also started feeling he probably finds me less attractive and appealing hence why he shies away from getting intimate

I can see why you responded as you did I think.

Does it feel personal as if he's been horrified/grossed out by you? I think I would feel that way.

In labour, you are made completely vulnerable and laid completely bare, and he is saying that that raw You, is horrific? I think I would feel that way, it'd be worse than someone insulting your fanny flaps or something.

Then he refuses sex with you because of it- it's like a rejection of you/your body.

Plus that of course he genuinely didn't experience it through his own body- you did.

I had a difficult birth with DC1 and DH found it extremely traumatic, he was later diagnosed with PTSD

Sorry to hear you had such a bad time. You had a difficult birth and presumably some things were more risky than the average birth so harder for your DH to see. OP doesn't describe having an unusual birth.

Sadly you don't sound very supportive of your husband. Imagine if he told you to 'grow up' after you had shared your feelings about finding something difficult to deal with.

@supaloops I think the thing is that it maybe feels personal to the OP, like something about her is gross maybe.

Also, lets be honest here, we might feel we have to be 'right on' but how he's acting is not attractive.

I got really upset and told him he should grow up because I went through the pain and will not be having another baby if he thinks it’s so terrible he can’t stand it again but yet wants another baby

You maybe could've phrased it better IDK, but well done for telling him that you're not happy with how he's going on. You don't have to just sit there and take it and say nothing permanently, and you have been putting up with this for months now and been supportive.

Yes you should (and usually do) support him, but you have feelings too and have put up with being hurt/annoyed for a long time.

Maybe if you said to him 'When you say X, I feel Y?' Tell him how you feel when he says the things. Then the onus is on him to either get his head around it or get professional help.

If it was that traumatic for him to watch you give birth, yes he could have therapy.

I don't want to put words into your mouth/feelings OP so correct me if I'm wrong. How do you feel when he says these things?

And talking about therapy, when I mentioned it before he said he didn’t need it and all he wanted is not to be present again for our second dc’s birth

My dh was traumatised when I had my first. He didn’t expect as much blood as there was, and he saw my skin split which still freaks him out now (7 years later). He goes pale slightly if I mention it

But, he got over it as he recognises I went through the pain and not him. It did cause him a bit of trouble or bonding with dd to begin with as he blamed her (irrational he knew but he couldn’t help it) but now he has gotten over it

It will take time.

Take it one step at a yime. First counseling to get intimacy back. If even after counseling, he still can't sew himself being there again, I guess it would be better to accept that. I get that would be somewhat hurtful to you as you want his support at that time, but I might bring him vack to this same plae again. I had an emergency Csec, and hubs was too far away to get back in time( lgv driver), but they let my and baby stay in some room until he could get there, as once in neo nato it was too late for visiting. We were both a tad sorry he missed out, but hey ho life doesn't alwyas go to the plan. Good luck to you both

@NoMoreDickHeads thank you so much for taking the time to look at both perspectives and for understanding me.
I feel very ugly and undignified tbh.
Even the last time when he made a move to have sex and we did, all I could think was that he’s faking satisfaction to please me.

Your husband may well be traumatised so will need help with that, but everyone saying OP is horrible/dismissive etc should look up ring theory.

If someone is closer to a traumatic event than you (in a smaller ring), you offer support. If someone is further away from it than you (in a larger ring) you can seek support.

So while your DH may need support it doesn't necessarily need to come from you. He should be supporting you with your trauma, recovery, feelings after birth etc. Obviously as husband and wife you should be able to talk about things together but he should seek support from someone further away from the trauma.

You are not the best person to support him as you are closer to it. It's like the first aid principle that you can't help someone else until you're safe/ok etc. I'm probably not explaining this very well but if you look up ring theory there are some good explanations

So I thought how can someone want a baby but doesn’t want to deal with the process?

The same way someone with Tocophobia can be phobic about childbirth yet still want a child - they can have a c-section to overcome this. Your DH's option is to not watch it.

I'd have lots of sympathy for your DH were it not for the fact that he actively wants you to go through this painful and distressing process again, he just doesn't want to look at it. That doesn't sound like someone concerned about your pain.

The OP is the one who would be making the decision whether to go though the painful process of childbirth again. If she is "happy" to do so then it's of no concern of the DH.

Well. It can be supe traumatising to see your partner go through hell i'd say.

Also:if he actually saw you giving birth it could also be visually very unsettling. Your vagina used to be a sexual thing. And now it opened up like a a big hole and a baby's head popped out.

One of my partner's friend discribed it as watching his favorite pub burn down

And I totally get it. Even though I am a woman haha.

Your husband needs time to see you as a sexual being again instead of a vessel that carried and gave birth to his child.

But ask him. What troubled him. What traumatised him. What would he do if he could do it all over etc. Get in his head and find answers so you can find solutions x

@Yeahnahmum 🤣 at least I can laugh though I was fuming last night lol.
I think it must be that vagina opening, the blood, the pain and all 😉
Hope to find out exactly which one is freaking him out still.
We live to learn eeh😉