Does having mixed feelings mean I’ve made a huge mistake?!

[JPlusTwo]

So I posted a few months back as my husbands depression was all consuming after our split and made daily life really hard despite him not living here. Together for 6 years (but known for over 10), 2 kids, I’m 24 he’s 30, split in March as we’d reached breaking point. Lack of communication, no life outside DC’s, no sex, just general deep unhappiness and lack of fulfilment.
Fast forward a few months and I’m still feeling in a real state of mixed emotions. His reaction has ‘sombered’ if you like and just maintains he just wants to come home and be with us. Whilst I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of relief that it’s over and he’s not here, I also know deep down he’s a narcissist and my needs have never been met (other than through having kids), we are very different people with different outlooks and I don’t know that people can ever really ‘change’. I think I’ve shut down emotionally until this point and it’s just been easier to disengage rather than question how I feel. I have some counselling booked to try and unpick my feelings.
I just want to know whether me having mixed feelings is a sign I’ve done the wrong thing, or whether it’s normal.
I’m lucky that our eldest (5) has coped so well and hasn’t been upset or confused or emotional. He’s just marched on as normal. And I really worry about confusing him or setting him back if we did change things.

Its sounds like you have done the right thing. It’s natural to have mixed feelings and you cant not feel sad at the end of a relationship and as he is the father of your children. But it doesnt mean you have done the wrong thing. You felt strongly enough at the time to end and no doubt felt unhappy for sometime before that. At only 24 now, you settled down so young. You have so much ahead of you. Focus on your children, plan your future career and enjoy your independence. Give yourself time and space to grow and flourish. In time you’ll meet someone more suited to you. Good luck

Most people have mixed feelings/don't have exactly the same emotion at all times after a breakup, especially with a narc.

Completely normal, but have therapy if you want.

Most importantly, please don't take him back! xxx

I think it's totally normal to have mixed emotions, he is the father of your DC, you've known each other a long time etc. However, you sound like you have been incredibly strong and have recognised narc traits in your H, IME narc's can have tenterhooks in your very soul so you have done really well to disentangle yourself. You also know your needs were not being met. They will never be met long term (if you resume relations he may "change" in the short term) . Over the years that lack of having your own needs met and trying to placate and service your H will chip away at your confidence and sense of self which wouldn't be good for your DC. You have done a hard thing leaving someone whilst you still have caring feelings for them.
You might finfd it helpful to write down all the ways in which the relationship was problematic and how it made you feel, so that if you start to feel sorry for your H or think about the past with rosier eyes you can check back and remind yourself.

@Lozzerbmc thank you so much for your words, I really appreciate it. One thing I have felt since the split is that there’s actually some room for me to figure out who I am again and not just be mum or ‘failing’ wife.

@NoMoreDickheads thank you - I think I really need to hear those words on wobbly days!

@SapatSea thank you also - the rose tinted glasses is definitely a thing, I think even more so for him as he seems to forget things were never ‘great’ to start with. Even though he was practically a 3rd child in terms of his needs and lifestyle, he was still never satisfied and always complained about feeling like ‘is this really it’ when talking about our life. Which is heartbreaking to hear when you pour your everything into making daily life as easy and happy as possible for everyone around you!

Goodluck JPlus I understand how heartbreaking the "is this really it?" can be. At least you won't have to take all his pain and blame on your shoulders anymore. All the best

Thank you, whilst I want to be able to feel like I’m no longer responsible for his life or his choices, it’s hard to free myself of that burden when he feels it’s me who’s put HIM in this position by asking him to leave