What should I do?

[Troubadour87]

My husband and I have been married for eight years. His behaviour has got increasingly worse. I cannot even begin to list all the awful things he has done here. The problem is there are good times too, and I wonder what we would do without each other.

For context, we live in the US. I'm from the UK originally. Basically, it comes down to the following:

Reasons I should leave:
-He is disrespectful
-He knows I have no-one here so he feels he can get away with anything
-I don't believe he'll change

Reasons I feel I can't leave:
-I can't get work in the UK. I'm in a very good career that I've worked towards for many years. Unfortunately, it's also very niche and last year 2 jobs came up in the UK. So, if I go back to the UK it will be to walk into nothing. The job I have here brings in excellent money and for the reason below, this is a must.
-My mother and brother need me to bring in money. They have some, but it's always been my job to be the backup. I will not leave them with no protection. My brother has mental health issues and my mother could use some help with her pension. If I don't work they will suffer in the end. Again, I know to many of you this will seem ridiculous, but it has always been this way. I am the "strong one" in our family and if I come home with nothing (I own property here but not in the UK) I will be totally failing their futures. My mother would be angry at me walking on an amazing job and rightly so.
-I live in a different state to my husband for some of the year as his job often takes him away. The logical answer would just be to live here on my own. I considered this, but then it defeats the purpose. What's the point of being in the US if the person I moved here with isn't with me? Also, if I'm not married to him I have health insurance that won't adequately cover my medical conditions. This is no joke in the US. No coverage=potential death. Additionally, it's nice to know I have someone I have to call who can fly to me if I end up in hospital again. Unless you've lived in the US, you won't understand how isolating it is. In other words, even though my husband is a dick, I need him here at times as there is no-one else.

I have thought about starting to apply for jobs in the UK just to try my luck. One has come up so far this year but I know a couple of the other candidates and their CVs top mine. Also, I will feel bad about my husband if I leave him. He can be a good person and I feel he would be very alone and sad. In short, I would feel guilty.

I guess I'm here because although I'm aware my life reads like a complete mess at the moment, until I feel stronger (I'm dealing with an ongoing medical issue that won't be 'gone' for another few months at least) I don't really know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice on getting by or how to stay hopeful in difficult times? What would other people in my shoes do? Please don't berate me for how weak I sound. I know this, and I'm ashamed. I just feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Move back to the UK and get a different job.

Get your own health insurance.

If you want things to change you need to make changes.

Or just carry on which is what you'll probably do.

My best friends moved to the US. They are most certainly not isolated. One moved for work, the other wasnt allowed to work for the first 5 (i think it was 5) years. They have a wonderful group of friends. Despite having moved twice while they are there. Again for the others work.

You need to make changes. It sounds like you are miserable, but unwilling to actually change anything.

So you xhoices are change nothing and keep getting what you have got, or change things and find happiness.

The whole mother situation is just downright abusive. If you really can't not support her, sell a property. Give her a chunk and tell her thats it.

Then you dont have ongoing obligations to her. Which gives you more choice about what you do. Surely your wonderfully paid job in the US has very a very good health package available?

Hi again,

Thanks for replying. Maiden Mother Crone, I understand why you feel from reading it that I probably will just carry on. It's how I've been feeling too: I know the changes I should make but it feels so hard to. I think if it was just one change e.g. separation it would feel rough enough, but if I try and 'make the break' then I'm deciding to leave everything behind. As cowardly as it sounds, I'm afraid to start over again.

I do have the option of getting my own health insurance here. It wouldn't cover everything but it would cover some. I am scared to be here with coverage that isn't so extensive.

There's a theme here isn't there: I'm scared, I'm scared. Just posting this has made me see how every decision I make (or don't) is governed by fear. I'm going to think about how to change that.

As cowardly as it sounds, I'm afraid to start over again.

Thats normal. I was the same. Stayed far too long because I was scared.

But recognising it is good. Because you at least know why you are acting certain ways and you can tackle it.

It is fucking scary. I am years down theine and still have moments where I am overcome by fear. But its momentary.

I'm sorry for sounding harsh in my previous post Op but decisions are easier to make if you look at them as black and white.

What outcome would you like. Decide then make the changes. Deal with the emotional side of each choice as it happens.

I stayed for 22 years because I was scared of the what ifs and the unknown.

However bad things were they weren't as bad as I imagined them to be. Once I stopped putting imaginary barriers in place it was surprisingly easily within me to achieve my end goal which was to be happy.

Don't be me Op. You alone are responsible for your own happiness.

"If you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them"

That means if you keep on justifying your beliefs that keep you trapped, you will always be trapped.

any one of those beliefs could be overturned with a single step. Return to the UK, get a job, any job, and work your way up again. If your family only want you for your money, then they deserve to not have it. But you don't even know if that is true yet.

There is no way to make your current situation any more bearable, except for to remind yourself daily that you are choosing to stay. That opens up the possibility of there being another choice.

Maybe begin thinking about the endless years still with this man and never being happy. I'd start getting more scared of that if I were you, OP. This is your one life. Is this really how you want to waste it?

"I guess I'm here because although I'm aware my life reads like a complete mess at the moment, until I feel stronger (I'm dealing with an ongoing medical issue that won't be 'gone' for another few months at least) I don't really know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice on getting by or how to stay hopeful in difficult times? What would other people in my shoes do? Please don't berate me for how weak I sound. I know this, and I'm ashamed. I just feel trapped between a rock and a hard place."

It's easy to feel stuck when you have a number of significant life choices to make and others depend on you. Here are just some thoughts - feel free to ignore!

1. The fact that it's good some of the time is not enough. Abusive relationships are good some of the time - indeed, the misery/ecstasy cycle can be addictive. It will be hard to leave someone you love but it does sound like you're done and you don't owe him a relationship. You do it to yourself not to stay in one which isn't nurturing you.

1. Don't wait to feel ready to make these decisions. In my experience, feeling ready to do something tends to follow doing it or starting to do it. Action precedes motivation. There are always reasons why it would be more convenient to wait before making a significant decision. You have to ignore those reasons because the decision is always more important than those reasons.

1. Break the decisions down into chunks. It sounds to me like there's no particular hurry and you have time to plan but set yourself some deadlines - you need to find a way to keep the forward momentum so that you're not still planning 5 years from now.

1. These are significant decisions so it's natural to feel nervous but I find a very helpful way to make significant decisions is to cast my mind forward a year or two and then imagine myself looking back: I find often when I do that, I can see which decision I will wish I had made and therefore it is clearer to me what decision to make in the moment.

1. Ultimately, life is not a dress rehearsal - this is your one shot. You know that you don't want to be looking back 10, 20, 30 years from now wishing you'd made your move. There was a devastatingly sad post on here several weeks ago from a woman in her mid-40s who had been in an abusive relationship all her adult life, had never got round to leaving and had just received a diagnosis of being terminally ill with not much time left. It was extremely sad to read and of course infinitely sadder to be in her shoes.

Good luck with your decision-making.

Move out but stay in America so keep your job, while you keep looking in the UK. Then when you get something you can move back and it’s less pressure.

I don't think you will leave him, but at the very least look at marriage guidance counselling

OP, have you read your post back and realised that none of your reasons for staying are anything to do with your husband?

I agree with those who have suggested marriage counselling. Give it a shot. It sounds like you really don't want to leave, for all the reasons you have listed, but you also want your husband to give you reasons to stay. Maybe marriage counselling will help with that.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful responses.

I think you're right, Dery: your idea of breaking it down into smaller decisions and realising that I don't have to fix everything tomorrow is a really good one. It made me start thinking about how I could start doing small things. Also, yes you're right: you never feel 'ready' for things, so just do it, I guess. And your comment about it being good some of the time not being enough is so true.

Dieu-You are right: might as well try counselling then I can say I truly did all I could. For context one of the reasons I don't feel I can leave is because he was seriously ill. I couldn't bear the thought of him having no-one to take care of him. I do love him very much, but just not how he is right now. And deep in ,my heart I know he won't change as he's had so many opportunities.

So, on that note, it's best I get planning and being proactive.

Thanks, ladies (and maybe men!) for your help.

I also hadn't thought, Regretsy, of just keeping my job until I have another one. You're right: even if I am alone that way at least I'll have a job and independence. And in my line of work a decision to resign or take your foot off the pedal will prevent future employment, so all the more reason to stay strong.

SpiderStan-yep, you're totally right. I hadn't realised that. The only reason I gave was guilt. He openly told me last night he wouldn't be able to help me with any of my problems but when I said ok I'll go and stay with my mum for a bit next month (I'm a uni lecturer so we get summers off) he didn't like that because it removed his control.

Christmasfluff (amazing name!): you're totally right. I didn't realise how utterly hopeless I've become about everything. It's like all the ideas for change have just left me, when in reality I could fix things.