Confused, heartbroken, grieving. Do I go back or stay away?

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi Mumsnetters,
I'm at the end of what I can take. The last decade or so has seen me, an only child, marry the man I've been with since I was 18, gradually lose my wonderful father to dementia, become a Mum, lose my beautiful mother after she battled serious illnesses only to lose her to awful bloody covid 19. In this time I've given all my time to my daughter and parents. Hubby has given all his time to his work, so much so he was unable to get any time to come to any of my emergency cancer appointments with me when I had a scare a few years back, eventhough I made a point of getting time off to go to all of his appointments when he needed consultations due to a neurological condition. Gradually hubby and I have drifted apart. A few days ago I decided to leave my hubby. I couldn't take the distance between us anymore, which widened after he told me I needed to not bake cakes the day before my Mum's funeral, because I was needing to watch my weight. At that point I was baking as a distraction. That has stopped now thankfully. But I was so upset. We had an almighty row which shook me up even more the day before Mum's funeral. He further upset me when he discussed with his friend building jobs that need to be done at Mum's and clearing out Mum's, without discussing it with me first, which I told him hugely hurt my feelings as i need to go through Mum and Dad's stuff myself. My memories are there. So I left and moved out. I miss him but I am tired of how he treats me. He says him not going to my cancer appointments is my fault as I didn't ask him. I didn't think I'd have to ask when I had potential cancer symptoms. I'm so hurt and completely confused. I'm just trying to be there for my girl and sort out my parents and grieve. I just hope I'm doing the right thing.

I'm also wondering how much of my marriage falling apart is my fault.

Op, you have been going through an awful emotion time. I’m so sorry about your parents. Have you talked this through with anyone, eg your GP. You need some support here. Do you you really think your marriage is over or is it a victim of the very sad time you are having? Do you think it is salvageable?

You can only do your 50% of the marriage work. If you genuinely feel you have done the best you can but he’s not meeting you half way then no it’s not your fault.

Thanks ilikemethewayiam. I am too tired to see clearly whether my marriage is salvageable, so am using the time at my parents to figure it out. My GP is very aware and has signed me off working remotely, upped my antidepressants and I'm having counselling too.

I do think a lot of what is wrong in my marriage is because of all the sad and difficult times we have faced but I have no idea if things can be saved.

He keeps trying to get me back but I feel it is too late or not the right time.

I think your guts tell you that you need time to figure out who you are. You have been with your husband your entire adult life and you have lost the two people who were your closest blood relatives (without siblings to lean on for support). And you know life is short and fragile due to your own health scare. It's normal and good you should be questioning your identity. You need time to grow as a person and he sounds like he's not supporting you with that. It's very tough but you will emerge a better person for it. 💐

OP, I would leave for good. You've been through the worst of the worst and he has let you down time and time again. You really do deserve more and it will be out there. Once you have cut ties, you will miss him less and less and all that energy can go towards looking after you. Shame on him for not coming to your appointments, that is so sad.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. IMO you've done the right thing moving out. Give yourself some time and space to decide what you want to do. Not supporting you during your cancer scare and the unnecessary and hurtful comment the day before your mum's funeral are completely justifiable reason to walk away.

Ask yourself one thing - what do you want?

Are you only questioning it because it's what he wants?

Definitely take this time for yourself.
You have been having a truly dreadful time.

Is he a horrible man?
I don't know.

He certainly doesn't sound like a kind, loving man though.
He sounds extremely thoughtless.

Don't rush into anything.
Take this time for you.

So sorry for your loss.

Just when one opinion here but I’d be cautious about making massive life decisions right now. When I lost my dad the fog of grief was awful but I didn’t realise how it affected until I had the gift of hindsight. At the time my partner swung between being very supportive and outright f-Ing cruel and insensitive. In hindsight we were both struggling to cope and he was making missteps and I was too emotional to be anything other than on the edge of fury/upset constantly.

My point is, to us, from your description it sounds like you might want to leave him. But perhaps you could wait a while. Wait separately by all means and tell him you need some time away but wait until some of the grief has gone and you can make sure leaving him is right for you. Try leaning on friends instead of him. It’s amazing how some friends will step up for you in times like this.

I agree with PP, don't rush into anything, there's no rush, take your time to heal. Once you feel able, couple counselling is worth looking into. Sorry for your loss