To leave or to stay

[SuperMassiveBanana]

Regular poster name changed to avoid linking to other posts.

Me and DH have a lovely life. Lovely house, lovely kids, jobs we like. I know I am very fortunate for this. But, while we are good co-parents and mates, we really don’t have a romantic life or a sex life at all.

When we first got together we were all over each other but that did ramp down fairly quickly but to be honest I didn’t think about it particularly. We were still doing it about once a week give it take.

Fast forward 10 years and 2 DSs later and there’s really nothing. He started having erection issues 18 months or so ago, so since then our once a month sex life has dwindled further. We last had sex in February and tried in April but it was awful.

Truth is, I miss sex but I don’t really fancy it with him. There’s no kissing either, even the peck before he goes out somewhere has gone.

Imagining snogging him makes me feel a bit cringe.

Everything else is so good but this feels like a massive hole.

What would you do?

No one gets to have everything perfect.
Is a good sex life more important to you than your shared family life ?

It would be a lot to give up .

I’m not sure I’m even asking for a good sex life so much as any sex life/attraction/physicality. But your question is why I’ve posted - I feel stupid to be so bothered about it.

Well I wouldn't give up on making things better . Not by a long shot . (I really like sex) .

First of all how does he feel about everything , have you talked about it at all. Has he went to the doctor about his erection problems ?

As everything else is good do you think it is something you could both work on together? Could you have an open and honest conversation with him?

I don't think you're stupid to be bothered . I would be bothered . You are not being ungrateful by not just accepting the status quo . You need to try and resolve this for you .

In addition to my previous post you shouldn’t feel stupid about it, this is bothering you and it is a perfectly valid thing to be bothered about.

We’ve talked about it a bit and we’re both been making an effort to be more than co-parents so we’ve got to the level where we also feel like mates, rather than like a flat share with kids.

He hasn’t been to the GP he’s convinced it’s because it happened once and then he gets worried and that makes it happen again. He’s quite a head in the sand type of person.

I like sex too but I don’t look at him and think I wish WE were having more sex. I just feel sad.

Have an affair. Make sure he never finds out. Life is too short for crap sex.

Well from my own experience it's very possible to "get back" a sexual attraction . I've heard that the problems with this are when it was never really there to begin with.

You need to basically start a plan to remediate this situation.

I'm not an expert but my opinion is..

1. Start by sharing time , just the two of you , outside the family . Introduce a date night , get a shared hobby , (not easy in lockdown but possible). Pay for a babysitter if you have to.

1. Start being more touchy feely around him , rub his arm when you pass him in the house , give him a hug when you have a minute together . Make the effort initially until it's a habit .

1. Start making an effort and make sure he knows it's for him . Just little things , like wear a top he likes or put on make up when it's just the two of you ...

1. Also make sure you are working on yourself , your self esteem and self worth . This can make things seem easier to solve .

Do all this before you start introducing sex to your life , get books on the subject and read up on why he is worried about maintaining erection , but don't put pressure on either of you to do anything ...

Just some thoughts ...

I'm not saying you should stay in a sexless relationship , just in case that's what coming across . I just think it sounds like it's worth the effort . If it doesn't work out and it's still the same in six months or a year , then you know you really tried .

That’s fair advice crazy I feel like I spent last year doing that and in someways it was ok (I felt less like I was living in a sexless marriage) but worse in other ways (I was basically building myself up to feel turned on and then initiating sex which feels a little like having sex to have sex rather than wanting to have sex with him - if that makes sense.)

Since the back end of last year the erectile issues are worse and I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel I can do what I was doing as the idea of having sex which is probably going to go wrong and end up with me being all reassuring again inhibits me from initiating.

This just sounds like one of those situations where everything keeps evolving downwards. So it started 18 months ago, he has erectile issues that (in his opinion) aren't good enough to go to the doctors with but that has affected his confidence.

You have been making an effort and trying to keep the connection open but a mixture of poor/no sex has made you feel like it's too much effort , and when you get hopeful of something happening and that gets crushed then you feel even worse ....

I was in a LTR , with very similar issues , the physical problems were down to medications he was taking and it took maybe 3 years to resolve .... my ex rid go to the doctors and spoke about it and although there wasn't much they could do at that point it showed me that he cared ....

Anyway we ended up with the same issues with neither of us wanting to initiate , him because he didn't feel it , me because I felt like he was going to reject me ...

He needs to start to step up to try and resolve this to get some respect from you maybe? Maybe you need to tell him that you need him to make the effort to make you feel like you're worth it ? Tell him it's affecting your self esteem and it's damaging your relationship? See how that goes?

I think there is a bigger question you should ask actually..if you fast forward to the children being independent and it just being the two of you, how does that make you feel?

This is not really about sex, it's about intimacy, and that is important to value. I think you have to decide if, at your core, there is still an attraction to each other and you will want to spend your time with each other, if so then the sex issues are worth trying to resolve. If not, you need to decide if you are prepared to live without it.

Yes I agree with torres10, this is more than just sex. As your DP he should understand that you are not happy with this aspect of your relationship and try to do something about it. You are absolutely right to be bothered about it, sex is the glue in a relationship, it keeps you together when everything else is falling apart, LTRs are much more likely to endure when both sides are satisfied with their sex life.

It's a little bit odd that he doesn't seem to want to tackle the issue, most guys have a strong desire for sexual satisfaction and at your age this should be still very much alive. Try to explore his feelings with him without being in any way critical. But in the end if he is not willing to engage you will be faced with a difficult dilemma.

Possible causes that haven’t been mentioned:

1. He has been using porn and can no longer get an erection for normal sex.
2. He has someone else
3. He no longer desires you and sees you only as a mother
4. He is gay and in denial
5. He is too embarrassed to go to the GP, so prefers to just avoid sex. You really need to sort this out with him, or you face never having sex again for the rest of your life. That is not what you signed up for when you got married. I think the lack of affection and intimacy is even more concerning - if he won’t even give you a peck on the cheek, it sounds like the marriage is dying.

I left a relationship like yours OP. My DC are doing well, but it has been a hard road. My ex has found it hard and is extremely sad, which I feel terrible about as I want him to be happy. I’ve fallen in love with the man of my dreams (and I am having the best sex of my life), my DC loves him, he’s brilliant with her and I’m so excited for the future.

This just sounds like one of those situations where everything keeps evolving downwards

This hits the nail on the head. And I think I am responding by feeling alone and apathetic and ‘why do I have to be the grown up and do all the sorting out’.

I know it’s odd he’s not pushing this but he’s always been a follower in our relationship, he’s never had a really high sex drive and I think he fears rejection too so we’re probably both leaning back rather than leaning in. I think our of that list babdoc that embarrassment and hoping it’ll all go away are most likely. But I couldn’t discount that he’s had his head turned. I’d be surprised if he was actively having an affair.

I’m going to think on some of the other questions and come back later - in terms of once the kids leave home...I think he basically wants us to turn into his parents.

I’ve been thinking about your question torres10 about how I imagine life once the kids leave. I can’t picture it very well, I suppose I think we’d rub along fine as we do now but that the lack of attraction and sex would still be a big, more visible hole.

I feel worried about broaching it, again, with him crazy because I think it sounds like I’d be all over him if he could be more tactile but I’m not sure that’s true. He was stroking my side the other night and I was just lying there thinking ‘oh god stop’ but not saying anything as I don’t want to hurt his feelings. But then another night I was feeling ok and thinking ‘if he touches me now I’d probably go with it’ but not enough to actually initiate. But I know I have to speak to him. I’m stuck between me feeling crap but not wanting to hurt him.

Does that sound awful of me?

Could your reaction to rejection/perceived rejection be to bury your feelings about it all and it's just getting you can't reach them any more?

I don't know , sometimes you just have to put your hands up and say that there has just been too much hurt and it's no longer viable to maintain a sex life with this person. If you aren't ready to give up then I do think that you might be onto the territory of couples/sex therapy to work towards saving things ( although I really am not an expert).

I honestly believe that wanting a sex life is an important, vital part of a romantic relationship. I don't have children but I know a lack of sex would be a deal breaker for me. I think it's enough of a reason to walk away , once you have tried everything to save it . I imagine a lot of women would agree. This isn't affecting your husband because he has a low sex drive ..... That would actually kill me a little bit .... How would he be if things were the other way round? Would he expect you to make the effort to resolve it?

And no it doesn't sound awful of you at all .... I remember laying feeling like I really wanted him to initiate but he never did , this was really difficult in the beginning when I didn't really know the issues. ( when I was having problems with my ex) but I never really felt like that when he did initiate ..... I liked him doing that . Talking about it was the only thing that started to make a real difference . Frankly and openly . We managed to get our sex life back from the dead . It is possible .

No it sounds pretty normal to me. We allow touching at any time without asking first but there are occasions when it can be a bit annoying. Occasionally one of us might tell the other to stop, but we would not change the default position of allowing it because it signals availability, which is how a relationship should be.

And just talking about it should not lead him to think you would be all over him, and nor should you talking to him about it make him feel hurt. It's normal to have sexual desires, he should not be surprised or embarrassed about the issue - he should understand and try to meet your needs, just as he would (I hope) if you were talking about other aspects of your relationship.

I’m with @torres10 too. I think lack of intimacy is key here. If the depth and connection has gone out of the relationship then you are essentially 2 strangers in bed together. You seem to be growing further apart not closer together. I think deep, honest, open talking is what is needed to start with.

Yeah I think you’re right, we need to talk, the words just stick in my throat and I feel quite tearful - which I’m sure sounds like a big over reaction but it’s what happens. If I wait for him to bring it up I’ll be waiting...weeks? Months?

crazy I think you could be right, this attraction or rather lack of on my side as much or more than his is really upsetting and I think I am madly pushing it all away. When I could get myself in the mood and then have sex that enabled me to ignore the issue in a way. But now that doesn’t seem to work I just feel like there’s a big elephant in the room.

Well , if you are going to talk about it , try and make everything as stress free as possible , kids in bed , late dinner just the two of you. A glass of wine but not too much.... and realise that maybe the first conversation won't be amazing ( ours was awkward bas fuck but we did laugh about it afterwards) . I honestly think it's the next step . You need to know what he's thinking .

And if you get tearful , that's okay . Just be honest. Even if you're like me and you're a really ugly crier . (Think Claire Danes in homeland when she cries, thats me)