Half sister - Should I reach out?

[anon1389]

I have a half sister (we share the same dad) that I've never met before. My mum left my dad when I was a baby and he went off, got married and had a baby. I've always known about her but I have no idea if she knows about me.

I was curious a few months ago and easily found her on Facebook, she's now 25 and living in Australia (I live in the UK). I would like to send her a message but I have no idea if she even knows that I exist or if it would come across really weird? Would you do it or just leave it be?

Is there any way you could find out whether or not she is aware of you first, before you send? Just might help you with your wording. Otherwise I’d say go for it. Life is short!

I'm not sure there's any way I could find out as I've never had contact with my dad.

Maybe just ask yourself who it is you want a relationship with (your sister or your dad?) and how you would feel if you didn’t get a favourable response? If you’re in the mindset of nothing ventured nothing gained I’d say go for it. But if you think any sort of ‘rejection’ would be tough, perhaps think again before opening the can of worms.

Have you discussed it with your mum?

I have discussed it with my mum and she thinks it's a good idea to reach out and possibly have a relationship with her. I'm not interested in having a relationship with my dad, he was abusive to my mother and I can't forgive that.

I'm more on the side of nothing ventured nothing gained, if she doesn't want to talk to me then I'm okay with that and would understand. But then there's also the possible risk of messing up her relationship with our dad. What if he hasn't told her about me and then I come along and surprise her, she could then resent him a lot.

If you don't message her, you will always wonder. But to be honest am in two minds. One says go for it but very gently. As for her relationship with dad, you don't know how it is and if he never told her it's up to him to fix that. For all you know she has heard about you and wonders to. I would say go gently and with no expectation. If you are very concerned about her welfare you can be very circumspect: hi, am X and I have heard my dad is Mr XX who had a daughter called yy. Do you think we could be related? It could be pure coincidence of course but I wonder if there is anything to it.
Don't discuss your birth situation or your mum etc. See how she takes it and go from there
Another puts myself in her shoes. My dad died two years ago and we grew up with a sense that being his kids was special and childishly I wouldn't want to share or rather discover I share his DNA with someone and didn't know all this time. It's rather silly I know

Do it.

I have no idea who my dad is, but I'm told he knows about me, and I really wish he/somebody would get in touch!

I have four half siblings that I’ve never met. It probably sounds awful but I really hope they never attempt to contact me. It would be such an emotional upheaval and I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life that I don’t think I could go through much more. I just want a quiet, peaceful life. I know it would cause a lot of family upset and pain for all involved. And I just can’t take it. I’m also decades younger and can’t help but feel they’d resent our parent for having another baby and me for existing. I doubt they know the full story of the custody battle or how our parent didn’t want to live after losing custody and indeed nearly died through not eating or sleeping from grief at losing them. It’s so complicated and I don’t see now how it would help any of us.

It's a tough decision isn't it. No right or wrong answer. Follow your heart, but be prepared for what response you might get.

Do you know if your dad is still married to her mum?

Is he in Australia as well?

Send! By not doing it you're making the decision on whether she wants to have a relationship with you on her behalf.
Contact only the very beginning.

Good luck!!

Similar to an adoption situation, before making contact with the birth family, the advice is to have counselling to explore why you want to make contact, what you might do if it doesn’t work etc. I’d suggest that you consider counselling first to work out your own motives here.

Difficult one, If she is close to your dad and you don't want to be it might cause a wedge, possibly find out if they are in contact still, I wonder if there are any other relatives you could contact first to find out?

I know this will sound horrible but if I had any half siblings I wouldn’t want contact. Luckily I don’t. So just be prepared for rejection

Chances are if he was abusive to your mum then he wasn't a great husband to the next wife and she's probably not that close to him either. Abusive people don't tend to change.
Go for it! Don't expect much from it and then you can't be disappointed but it might be the beet thing you ever do!

If she’s close to her dad then she won’t be happy with you calling him abusive so I wouldn’t say anything like that.

@SandyY2K he lives in the UK still. Her mum passed away a few years ago. I know this as the only contact I've had with that side of the family was my uncle turning up to the same party I was at and was pretty much like "Oh hi, I'm your dad's brother! Haven't seen you since you were a baby!". I had no idea who he was until then.

I would. x

he lives in the UK still. Her mum passed away a few years ago.

So, she's probably not that close to him, and she might well like the idea of having more family.

As her mum has passed, you'll be one of her closest living relatives by blood.

You'll always wonder 'what if'.. or what could have been if you don't contact her.

One thing I'd say, just to bear in mind; remember HER experience of your father may be entirely different to your DM's.

I have a half sister, raised by my dad (he left when I was 2), he was as a terrible father to ME, and a terrible partner to DM, but my sister idolised him, had an entirely different view of him, as some sort of hard-done-by hero.

Just brace yourself, and choose whether you're open to hearing a different side of him (which won't ring true to you at all) and whether you'd risk breaking your half sister's view of him (she almost definitely won't believe you).

Good luck, I hope it all works out brilliantly.

Sorry it should read 'half' sister above.

Hi op I'm kind of in the same situation as you . My dad went to work away when I was around 12 let's say . Germany . He met a women out there and got her pregnant all within a matter of months . She was 7 months pregnant when he came back home for the final time . Telling her that he was coming back to fix their house up ready for her and the baby . He never returned. Changed all his contact details and she was never able to get in contact with him until my half sister found me on Facebook 5 years ago . She was 18 at this point. I was shocked but not really considering what he's like . The mother got in contact with my mother and the amount of lies my dad had said was shocking . Said they weren't married my mother was a one night stand . They were together years 😂. anyways me and my sister kept in contact for a good year or two until and I know it sounds awful
But she got a bit too much for me . Was wanting to come over here . Wanting to meet the rest of her family . I told me dad and he didn't really care . The rest of the family didn't either . I did give her his number and apparently he did talk to her for a while and he was sending her money over . I am not very family oriented and this is where I feel guilty . I only have my mother and daughter . Got a few close friends who I see when I want they know not to pester me . I love my own company too much I think . My half sister would bombard me with messages , phone calls her mother the same and I had enough . She was basically a stranger . Also I got pretty bad social anxiety so I get anxious when having to meet new people . If I wasn't like this I would of love to have met her ect but also she will and would be really disappointed with our father . I don't want her to meet him because he would only break her heart and so would the rest of the family . He sees me when he can be bothered . He loves his sons and doesn't give a crap about us girls . He only wants to see me twice a year . Not once wished me a happy birthday . Merry Xmas nothing . I live 5 minutes away from him . He's a functioning alcohoholic . About two years ago I blocked her . Thought it was best for everyone but last week I had a message . It was her . When I read it I felt sad . She had said she has been thinking and she was pretty immature back then but has grown up now and want to meet her family . I want to reply that it wasn't anything she done that I ended contact in a way I thought it was for the best . I am so tempted to tell her how it really is with our family but I know that's something you got to find out for yourself . She's probably thinking she's missing out and how amazing we all are but she couldn't be further from the trusth. I don't want her to get in contact woth our father . Him promise her the world and the same day as she's about to come over here he will text say she can't and she won't hear off him for a few years or she would come over here he would be drinking and doing drugs in front of her all the time . She will still like him tho cause that's what he does . He will say how much he missed her and wanted her but her mam wouldn't let him . His fav story with everything btw ha ha . She will go home can't wait to visit again and boom . Nothing. Basically he's a total waste of space . Any ideas on what I should do lol x

I am not sure. My dad buggered off when I was 6, hardly saw him and he had many other DC, the only one I know is the only one he raised with his long term partner. I am aware of two other half sisters and a half brother. I have zero interest in meeting them. Even my half sister i hardly know, i occassionaly whats app but we have nothing in common and never call each other. If one of them reached out to me I would likely be cordial but thats it. I have my own family and friends and have no interest in adding any others to the mix based on having the same sperm donor

I agree with the poster who suggested you get some counseling before you contact her, in order to understand the reasons why you want to make contact and to prepare you if it all goes unexpectedly. Don’t underestimate how your emotions can take you unawares.

I found out I had a half sister when I was 49, I have not contacted her, nor she me. Two years have passed and I still have no interest in contacting her, but would be fine if she wanted to meet me and my siblings. I think it’s because I’m older, have my own family and nephews and nieces and too many cousins to count, my half sister is just another family member that I’d likely be pretty ambivalent about. If you have known about your half sister all your life, she is a part of your life storey and wanting to fill in those blanks and understand more of your family history is very understandable. for me finding out late in life and already feeling the obligations of too much family, I’m not rushing to make contact and likely never will.
Good luck but do speak to someone about it to help you navigate your feelings.