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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex life advice - boyfriend erection issues

19 replies

Advice1992 · 07/06/2020 12:02

Hi All,

Long-time lurker who's asking for some advice as I can't really talk to anyone about this in real-life.

I've been with my boyfriend for several years and generally we're very happy together. However, we go through occasional periods where he struggles to ejaculate from sex, and then loses his erection. It normally happens a few times in a row and then everything goes back to normal for a few months. Although it does bother me, I try not to make a big deal out of it. He's my only sexual partner but I understand that even when there isn't an issue, he takes quite a while to finish vs. average; usually 20m is fast for him, and sometimes >30m.

Anyway, he's currently going through another patch of the same thing, but it seems to be getting worse... He's getting more stressed and struggling to keep an erection at all; even masturbation doesn't work this time. But now I'm wondering how I can even talk with him about this without creating more stress? I suggested talking to a GP - I think it must be psychological but I didn't know if it could also be hormone related.

Is there anyone else who has / is going through the same thing? How have you dealt with it?

OP posts:

roarfeckingroar · 07/06/2020 12:32

My partner just read this and said yes it'll be stress. He's been the same when he has a lot on. If you talk to him, and you probably should, be gentle.

Original poster

Advice1992 · 07/06/2020 12:42

@roarfeckingroar

My partner just read this and said yes it'll be stress. He's been the same when he has a lot on. If you talk to him, and you probably should, be gentle.

I guess the thing that's confusing me is that objectively he's probably the least stressed he has ever been thanks to lockdown; his job is basically part-time but has absolutely no risk of losing it. So I can understand being stressed / worried about the issue reoccuring, but I don't know what's triggered it first.

Every time we sort of lightly talk about it and then it gets brushed under the table....until it happens again....

OP posts:

category12 · 07/06/2020 12:44

How old is he? Does he have any health issues?

Original poster

Advice1992 · 07/06/2020 12:49

@category12

How old is he? Does he have any health issues?

He’s early 30s. Little bit overweight but no other health issues (and that’s improving).

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 07/06/2020 12:52

Does he drink a lot?

ilikemethewayiam · 07/06/2020 12:53

Is he a heavy drinker? It can cause desensitisation. My ex had this problem when he went through bouts of heavy drinking.

Original poster

Advice1992 · 07/06/2020 12:59

No; he hardly drinks at all...maybe 1 beer every couple of weeks

OP posts:

JustC · 07/06/2020 12:59

I would say stress/anxiety. And then he gets into performance anxiety aftr failing a few times. Not all people are openly stressed/anxious, some internalised. I have a friend that seems quite chillaxed compared to me, but she has stress triggered alopecia at times. Would he talk to Gp about it?
We are at the opposite, DH finishes a bit too early, not quite a precocious ejacultor, just enough that as I'm getting closer, he finishes. Not every time, but still v frustrating. We're working on it, me trying yo keep my calm when it happens 😁 him having seen GP and currently on antyanxiolytics and trying stop and go method.

Mintlegs · 07/06/2020 13:03

Not saying this is the case but does he watch a lot of porn?

Original poster

Advice1992 · 07/06/2020 13:12

@Mintlegs

Not saying this is the case but does he watch a lot of porn?

I don't think so; I've never seen him watching any porn. And for some reasons I can't explain without being outing on where we live, there's loads of restrictions on how to use the wifi etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Advice1992 · 07/06/2020 13:16

@JustC

I would say stress/anxiety. And then he gets into performance anxiety aftr failing a few times. Not all people are openly stressed/anxious, some internalised. I have a friend that seems quite chillaxed compared to me, but she has stress triggered alopecia at times. Would he talk to Gp about it? We are at the opposite, DH finishes a bit too early, not quite a precocious ejacultor, just enough that as I'm getting closer, he finishes. Not every time, but still v frustrating. We're working on it, me trying yo keep my calm when it happens 😁 him having seen GP and currently on antyanxiolytics and trying stop and go method.

Yeah, first couple of times I got a bit upset but I've been trying really hard since to make it not a big issue, saying it's not his fault etc.

I would like him to go to the GP; as it's much more likely to happen in the evening I'm not sure if it could be testosterone related....but I guess he has to want to go himself? And I think he's a bit scared in case something is actually wrong....so I don't want to "push" him if he's not really ready to talk.

OP posts:

JustC · 07/06/2020 13:28

Hate to break it, but few guys ever want to see a dr about erectile dysfunctions, so I would not wiat for him to bring it up or truly want it. For me us it got more frequent, until I once screamed at him to just get off me as I was seconds away. I had kept gently saying see a dr for a few years. Next day after my extreme reaction I said see a dr or don't come close to me in a sexual way. I didn't want to be that person( I mean my screaming at him to get off of me).

JustC · 07/06/2020 13:33

But that is me, I get very frustrated if I am close and bam, it's over. I am not without fault, I have my own issues. But I realised it's going to drive us apart, especially if I didn't see him taking steps to improve. For me it's alot about seeing a person is at least working on their problems, it gives me more patience on some level.

longtimecomin · 07/06/2020 13:42

I had an ex with this problem and it due to his porn habit. Desensitised to normal sex.

JustC · 07/06/2020 13:48

Longtime, it does seem to be an issue alot of people on MN have encountered.
On a light note, I think I sould demand hubs watches more porn to desensitize a bit and last longer 😆

TheHighestSardine · 07/06/2020 13:50

Stress definitely, since it's happened before on a short-lived basis. Porn addiction/wanker's death grip lasts for much longer.

We're living through a period of massive stress right now, and it's only accelerating. Work on that together, don't make this an extra stress factor, and the hardon will follow.

TheHighestSardine · 07/06/2020 13:51

Blood tests like thriva will do testosterone level as an option, btw. (25OFF for £25 off a first test, it's a sub but you can cancel straight away, DP did that)

Anothernick · 07/06/2020 14:03

This sounds like performance anxiety, which leads to stress, which leads to an inability to perform, which leads to further stress and so it goes on. It's a vicious circle.

This happens to most guys sometimes, the usual way of dealing with it is to refrain form all sexual contact and masturbation for a few days, maybe a week or two. The desire for release gets stronger with time and so it becomes easier to perform and then when you have done it once confidence returns. This is how I dealt with it anyway.

Don't put pressure on him, just keep away from him sexually for a couple of weeks. If he is not ready to go after that time then the problem is more serious and he needs to seek medical help.

Fettled · 07/06/2020 14:08

Is he taking antidepressants?

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