When I emotionally or physically stressed my relationship falls apart.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

I had a good relationship with my DP of 3 years but he has just finished it and is making plans to move out because in his words 'he can't make me feel safe or loved'.

Most of the time I am rational and calm but if I feel emotionally or physically vulnerable (I have a chronic pain based illness that is hormone triggered and a difficult job) I get very stressed and defensive and start to question if he loves me, he isn't happy living with me and think I'm not good enough for him. This lead to arguments as he says I put words into his mouth and twist things. He has had enough and I don't blame him.

I had sexual trauma in my childhood and was physically, financially, sexually and emotionally abused by my DC's father. Am I ever going to be able to conduct a healthy relationship and how can I learn to have one? Or should I just accept the fact that these time limited, cyclical 'breakdowns' are here to stay (I am 40 years old) and that my trauma means I am able to feel loved and be loved?

*unable to feel loved and be loved

Are you seeking/getting treatment for the potential ptsd?

Not at the moment. I had psychotherapy and EMDR from rape crisis about 5 years ago. I had a psychiatrist and a mental health nurse when I was 21 and 30 to treat clinical depression and an eating disorder.

Would it be worth restarting something like EMDR? I think it's possible to change patterns, but it can take a lot of ongoing help . A friend of mine has had some breakthroughs in her 40s.

Yes, I do feel I need to re visit a therapeutic intervention. I clearly have some work to do but is it worth the trauma of therapy if I already know the disruption is feeling physically vulnerable and stressed? I can't stop the physical issue and I can't avoid the stress.

I know historically that when I start therapy my brains reaction is to become suicidal because it just wants the pain to end. I feel worried that I will go back into that frame of mind.

Have you tried a more mind body based therapy? I am currently having a kind of somatic psychotherapy which is about listening to your body, finding places of comfort and focusing on body reactions. I have had all the 'change how you think' therapies but that is of very little use to me if I've lost the ability to think or my body is going haywire.

I truly believe that people can heal and can have improvements in their quality of life but it's not easy and not an easy fix. If your partner isn't on your side to face these battles together then it will be much harder.