Lack of affection in our marriage

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My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have 3 children together. I am really struggling with his inability to show me affection. This is not a new problem, he has never really kissed or cuddled me spontaneously, or even been the one to take my hand or place one on me. I love him so much and have always been very physically attracted to him.
I have no doubt that he loves me very much indeed. he argues that he shows it in other ways such as helping with kids, working hard to support our lifestyle and look after the house etc.
The problem is that I long for him to pull me in for a hug or kiss, even just a simple placing a hand on my leg. I feel incredibly jealous of other couples and spending time with them inevitably leads to a fight about it. In these fights he just doesn’t see it is a big deal and nothing ever changes from the outcome of it. He won’t consider relationship counselling.
We have a reasonable sex life but that is often initiated by me and there is no spontaneity.
I love our live together in many ways and our children but I am increasingly feeling lovely, unloved and unfulfilled. I am very cross with myself for thinking earlier on in our relationship that he would ever change ,but at the same time wouldn’t change my children for the world, they are my everything.
I have really struggled to seriously consider leaving him as i love him so much and also don’t want to destroy my children’s world but am finding this lack of affection increasingly hard. Any advice would be so very much appreciated. Thank you.

I'm sure you've had these conversations in the past, but have you had a proper sitdown about it lately?

I am in the same boat but my DP is ASD so he can’t change. I think if they can’t or won’t change then sadly you gave to accept them or leave. I do demand hugs if I need one but it is wooden and so not the same. He doesn’t find touch pleasant. He can’t help it. I have a daily dilemma on whether to stay with him and be affection starved or to leave. I’m almost 38 so if I don’t have kids soon I won’t be able to. It’s a really difficult choice so just saying you are not alone.

Talk to him. Tell him how important it is to you. Have you ever read about this... www.relate.org.uk/blog/2016/2/12/your-love-language-how-you-express-affection

It could help you both to see that you are expressing love and help each other to see what the other one needs

It depends whether you think you can cope with it long term. I've had the same issue in my own marriage and asked myself this question.

It took me saying I wanted to separate to effect any sort of change even though I'd been trying to talk about it for years. He just hadn't listened. Which is really fucking sad as I don't know whether it's too late now - although we are trying.

So just bear in mind trying to talk to him might not provide the solution.

You sound like me. No affection from DH for many years. Told him so many times. We never went for meals out. No flowers on the odd ocassion. No suprises or excitment. No birthday cards, valentine cards etc. Never bothered with Mothers day-you get the idea. He said the same. He loved me in different ways. By working, providing for the family. But to me thats what any man should do for his family. Thats standard. I put up with it for a long time. But I grew to resent him. I grew jealous of other couples going out while he never wanted to. Not even family parties, weddings etc. So I left. I met someone who was the complete opposite and although we are not together anymore he taught me im worth so much more. The next time I meet someone I will never settle for less. I cant tell you what to do, im 40 now and not sure if I will ever meet Mr. Right. But I do know I would never put up with being so unhappy and feeling unloved again.

You're trying to change him from what he is into what you want him to be. That way lies ruin.

He is what he is and you knew that from early days by the sounds of it. It will be hard to get him to change to what you want him to be. Affection doesn’t come naturally to some people and it will probably always feel forced. Only you can decide what you want. You do have a large family together though so are you dreaming about something that you think everyone else has, when in fact a lot of marriages do not have these things that you want. Not everyone is flowers and meals and rubbing feet. If you want that then you will more than likely have to seek it elsewhere but it will be at a heavy cost to your family.

Look up "Love languages"

It's horrible - I've been there. I think it's probably inevitable that you'll look for affection elsewhere if you can't sort this out.

How does he show he loves you?