Any one a first time mum and disappointed with how their mother is acting?

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I’m a FTM and 16 weeks. I told my parents very early on I was pregnant due to social distancing and trying to shield.

At first my mother reacted the way I thought she would; super excited,etc. But as time has gone on I can’t help but notice that the excitement isn’t for me and my husband but just because she will be a grandma; I’m not even sure she’s bothered there’s a baby at the end of the pregnancy?!

When it came to 12 weeks I explained that we were only telling close family and friends as we had some tests we were waiting on before telling anyone else. As soon as we told close family, my mother saw this as a green light to tell every man and his dog.

I was really anxious for the test results and she brushed them off as if they were irrelevant; almost as if that was the only thing holding her back from sharing the news. And once she’d told everyone, I didn’t even get a text or a phone call asking if we’d received the results/the outcome.

Since this point she’s shown little interest in my pregnancy and when she does ask and I share a concern she shows no empathy or support whatsoever, almost comes across as though her asking was an inconvenience or that I’m being dramatic.

I could go on. I know being a grandparent for the first time is exciting, but I feel like she is forgetting the vital fact that her daughter is carrying the child. Is this normal behaviour?

Sounds like a narc.

Read up and protect yourself and you little one.

I envy women who have amazing relationships with their mothers, they can tell them anything, they go to lunch, and are like mates, I tried that with my mum as my brother tells her all about his private life but mothers and sons are different aren’t they, anyway I decided to try this and omfg it backfired, she just went nuts at everything I said or did so I’m now back to being ‘secretive’ about my life, she says I’m secretive, I call it private but hey ho.

I remember telling her that I felt like I was in the perimenopause stage and how I felt like I was losing my womanhood and she told my 2 brothers, my stepdad and my DD!! It’s almost like she is jealous of me and is happy for me to feel this way. Everyone else thinks my mum is amazing as well!

OP I think you should keep contact to a minimal and never let her babysit or she will be running you down to your child, my mum does the same to the point my when my DD was 10 she said to me “mum I don’t think Grandma likes you very much”

@Inappropriatefemale I know exactly where you are coming from with that!!!

My cousins all think she’s amazing, the most caring person ever, etc, etc. And I think the worst part is that most people think we have this amazing relationship, as she obviously just tells everyone everything about me when I do try to confide in her. This makes me even more wary, as she’s obviously giving the impression that she is concerned about me/happy for me outwardly to others, but forgets to express this when we’re discussing these matters together. I suppose this is another way of her turning attention to herself, regardless of who’s problems they are.

Yep my mums mates know all my business! Now that was okay when I was 12 but I’m nearly fucking 40 now and it’s not okay! One of her mates is nice but oh fuck, a major gossip!

I remember when my stepdad wasn’t well and I was worried about him and told my mate at the time and I told my mum I told my mate and she went nuts at me, “don’t talk to folks about that” like being unwell is something that’s embarrassing or something, for the record it wasn’t anything that you would say is embarrassing at all!

She also likes to tell me how much her sister despises me (I wonder where she gets all the crap+lies from about me, sarcasm) and that her sister says my mum was exactly like me as a youngster and she screamed at me “I don’t want to fucking be like you”, everything went really really bad with us when I had my DD, oh god the jealousy was stifling.

I honestly don’t know what to say except that these women are supposed to be our biggest protectors in life and yet they act like the mean girls from school towards us.

When my brother was 5 and I was 19 then she told him “your sisters a fucking sick psychopath” and this is all because she caught me smoking hash, I said to her “you need fucking drugs to live in this house with you”.

OP your mum sounds as narcissistic as mines, check out narcissistic parents online (don’t have a link) and see what kids of these parents turn out like, addiction issues is a big one and I’ve got these, I’m unsure if you’ve ever had any addictions? Do you have siblings, if so then how do they find her? Are you the eldest? I’m the first child and only daughter with 3 little DB.

I also have a narcissistic mother.

The lack of boundaries in terms of her telling people things I've told her in the past means that I no longer share anything significant about my life. Sad but a protective strategy.

There are so many of them aren’t there.

@Inappropriatefemale yes I have a younger sibling and the annoying thing is, she seems to have a normal motherly bond with them. Our upbringings were quite different though (there’s a 6 year age gap); where I was in nursery or pre-school while my parents worked, when my sibling came along my mother decided to job share and so ended up looking after them and her colleagues children ( and visa versa) until school, so I think that has made them closer.

However she never tried to turn my sibling against me, she just makes more effort with them.

I was obviously the practice round 😂

Same here with mines! The next one down from me is 7 years younger and a boy and we sort of fell out with my addiction and most mothers would want their kids to get on, not my mum, she likes us falling out and she tells my DB when we fall out and he phones me and has a go at me for it, then when we make up then she isn’t happy, he knows what she is like to a point and thinks I should just shut up and put up but I won’t, my Stepdad wants a quiet life as does my dad, I’m nearly 40 and my mum calls my dad when I’m ‘naughty’ yet she never called my brothers dad when he threatened to hit her when he was young, long story but her own fault really.

Sounds like mine, though she's not a narc, that would be my sibling.

I was going to wait fr the scan before telling her but was so scared about doing so (I'm unmarried, so should therefore be a virgin in her eyes, even at 40 😂) that it was spoiling my delight at finally being pregnant, so I told her at 6 weeks. True to form she HAD to tell two friends, which I agreed to as I'm close to neither, but stated that was it. The next day she messaged me saying she was going to try not to say anything to F2, but she HAD to tell another family because they'd be upset if she didn't. I put my foot down at that as they're close friends if mine and were the only people I wanted to tell, but after the scan. I knew fine well they wouldn't mind waiting.

Every week she asked if I'd told anyone else yet - meaning that she wanted to tell others. I lied and said no, even if I had, as I couldn't cope with the arguments. She amazingly managed to not tell my sibling til the 12 weeks was up. She wasn't impressed, however, that I out the scan photo on FB, and thus stole 'her' thunder. She does like to be the bearer of information.

In the main I only tell her what I'm comfortable with the world knowing. The number of times I've heard ‘I have to tell R, he's your brother' are innumerable. So if I don't want him to know I don't tell her.

If I ever get married then I’m not telling my mum until a week before the wedding because she will completely take over, want to pick the dress and invite about 20 of her mates whether I say it’s okay or not.