Shared residence

[HobgoblinsHat]

Briefly, background is of an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage with controlling behaviours. In 'discussion' (I.e. him talking at me) DH has dropped the bombshell that he would be seeking 50/50 split of everything, including 50/50 residence for the children because 'they need a father'. I have never disputed this and would never prevent him from seeing them but I'm terrified of this outcome. I had suggested EOW and a night midweek, with some flexibility if either one of us had something in particular we wanted to do I.e. weekend away/extended family visits etc. I suspect it is financially driven as I have always been the one who has either not worked or latterly worked school hours, stayed home when they were ill, attended school stuff and arranged medical appointments etc etc. Throughout this time DH has worked FT, has been hands on when at home (largely because he thought, and said, I was shit at everything) but work has always come first and he was not interested in a lot of what went on in their daily lives - until I said I was considering divorce.

He is working on his issues with therapy at my behest but I am very sceptical he can manage not to be abusive long term and I now feel I might have to stay with him anyway in the interests of the DC

How likely is he to get what he wants? Anyone been through this?

I am sure that someone will be along soon who can advise you better than me but I would suggest that you seek legal advice because, from what you have said, I don't think that he will be able to manage the practicalities of 50:50 and he will expect you to continue to do appts etc . You could end up with lower CM but all the responsibility. As far as staying for the children, do you want your abusive marriage to be the model for their future relationships?

Courts increasingly see shared care as the gold standard, but it's still incredibly rare.

Key things that would support your case, would be that you have predominantly been the primary caregiver. You have purposely worked around school hours to facilitate school pick ups and drop offs. How could he do this without childcare, whilst you can still do it? Parent is preferable to childcare.

Wihtout knowing the ages of the children it's hard to to know if they would have a say.

If he's been coercive and domineering etc, I would advise speaking to Your gp and getting this added to your records. It may well support you moving forward. Likewise it could be worthwhile getting support from women's aid.

Is he likely to get 5050? unlikely. Arguably, you'd be citing that every weekend contact is not constructive and in the childrens best interests as they need quality down time aka weekend with both parents.

Likewise he would be unable to do school runs and collections. So that makes even a midweek more challenging as you shouldn't be expected to facilitate this and then he gets the children in the evening to reduce your maintenance payment!

Instead, I'd aim for eow, midweek because its "fair" but for him to cater for childcare etc. Plus then a share of school holidays. It. Could be half of all. Or perhaps more realistic would be to offer long weekends for half terms, and then maybe a week or 2 in summer, week for Easter and Christmas holidays, if he actually has a holiday allowance that would cover all of these days. If he doesn't, then my offer would blatantly be to only offer a maximum of days that equals his annual leave.

How how are the children? My neighbour has 50/50 with her ex husband, she is furious because he doesn't have to pay anything and she is having to go back to work. Their son is 14 though and 50/50 is definitely fair because their son wanted it.

DC are 13, 11 and 8.

Industry he is in means he could definitely share school holidays pretty equally.

It could be a threat to discourage you from leaving.

The financial split would not be up to him, the courts would seek that you both be able to house the DC and if you have a lower earning potential and pension potential that would be considered.

What you need is a shit hot lawyer that has a good success rate against abusive spouses!

achillesratty to be fair that sounds like a wholly different kettle of fish a 14 yo who asked for 50:50. Maybe a non abusive marriage too.

I’d see a lawyer and go from there. You’ll likely need to put the abuse in your application .

I suggest you do 50/50 now. Assuming you are still sharing a home. Remove yourself on his weeks if you can. Or at least during the day. Let's see if he wants 50/50 then.

Could he really manage 50:50 around his work schedule?

Do you have any records of his abuse?

If he's in teaching (guess), do your children get dropped to School by him? Go to his school?

@Hatrack I've kept a diary.

@SoloMummy not a teacher. He never does drop off as has to leave very early

[quote HobgoblinsHat]@Hatrack I've kept a diary.

@SoloMummy not a teacher. He never does drop off as has to leave very early[/quote]
Could he really cover 6.5 weeks school holidays plus inset days? And more importantly, would he want to "give up" all of his allowance?

Sounds as though you have a lot to think about. Have you seen a lawyer? Would you really stay just for DCs? Are you seeing changes in DH?

@Solomummy he probably couldn't cover all holidays but his sister has young DCs and I suspect she would help out at least with the littlest one.

No haven't seen a solicitor. I have seen some change and I'm hopeful but it's whether those are long term and whether I will spend the rest of our married life on alert. I'm exhausted I would consider staying for DC due to past behaviour. If I'm not with them I can't protect them.

[quote HobgoblinsHat]@Solomummy he probably couldn't cover all holidays but his sister has young DCs and I suspect she would help out at least with the littlest one.

No haven't seen a solicitor. I have seen some change and I'm hopeful but it's whether those are long term and whether I will spend the rest of our married life on alert. I'm exhausted I would consider staying for DC due to past behaviour. If I'm not with them I can't protect them.[/quote]
Then you have a very valid argument for saying that he shouldn't have more than his work allowance annual leave as that's not in the best interests of the children.

When you say protect the children - what from in particular and specifics?

Mood swings/bad temper. Nothing sinister or physical.

School holidays may be split equally even if Dad doesn't have enough annual leave to cover them. I'm a stepmother. My husband used to have his kids for half of all holidays even though his annual leave didn't quite cover it. He either put them in holiday club or his parents looked after them. His ex tried to say he could only have them if he was off work and looking after them himself, and the court didn't agree. Courts often take the view that contact with the extended family, like paternal grandparents/aunts/cousins, is beneficial and in the children's best interests.

My x did the 50/50 thing too. Told him to crack on...sort his own pick up/drop offs, breakfast club, after school club, holiday club - all the associated costs. It lasted 6 days.