Can't move on from my ex husband

[Nibbles82]

My ex husband who I split with 2 years ago has a new girlfriend and it’s hit me for six.. I can’t seem to move on or stop thinking about the life we could have had. We have two daughters and all I wanted is for us to be a family. How can I move on.. how can I stop feeling this pain, it’s frustrating I can’t seem to stop loving him or wanting him. Please any help will be gratefully received xx

Because you keep thinking about the life you would of wanted a dream that doesn't exist you have to think about the reality of why your relationship went wrong and if you were to be together it's likely that the same issues would present themselves again.
Don't let your life stop because of him you need to carry on and create a new future, a better one than before.

Oh Nibbles, it's hard. It sounds like you have got stuck a bit in 'denial' phase of grieving... perhaps you are trying to avoid the pain by dreaming this dream that really can't and won't happen.... you obviously had problems of some kind, and it has been 2 years and he is with someone else, it really doesn't sound like he is coming back.

It sounds like you need to reach acceptance, which will involve you feeling all the pain, before you can recover... I know that doesn't sound nice, but you have already lost two years, while he has been moving on. Don't hold back your life any further..... there is no going around grief. You need to go through it.

Sending hugs.

Thanks, it's just hrs as he's now the dad and man I wanted him to be, he makes the effort with the kids and looks after himself, he was so lazy and boring in the last few years of our marriage, he'd literally come home from work and either sit on the couch and not talk or go straight to bed. It's just tough seeing how happy he is without me when all I did was look after him and the kids and work full time, just feels like a kick in the teeth, I want desperately to move on.. it's like I just can't stop reliving the past...😡😡😢

How long were you together? How long has he been with his new gf?

Until their relationship has lasted longer than yours, who's to say he won't become a lazy, boring shite again?

We were together 12 years and they've been together 2 months.. but as soon as he left me he became a different man.. literally decided he didn't. Want to be married anymore and became the person he was that I fell in love with, whilst shafting me left right and centre. I just don't want to feel bitter and sad anymore and just lost at what else I can do to move on.. doesn't help he's got fitter as I've got fatter 😢

It might sound shit and no consolation but good riddance if he thought he could be a lazy bastard lying around on your sofa doing naff all. You don't need that dead weight. The trash took itself out in his case

Why arr you beating yourself up?! You were with him for 12 years, this woman has being with him for 2 months trust me if this relationship lasts as only a matter of time that he gets comfortable and complacent and goes back to his old ways that you divorced him for in the first place.

You need to take care of yourself, start exercising, get a makeup, new clothes, fill your time with some new hobbies and my god get yourself on a dating site and see what is out there. You got divorced for a reason just remember that even if he now seems to have changed. You need to concentrate on yourself because he certainly is.

Want to be married anymore and became the person he was that I fell in love with, whilst shafting me left right and centre.

You poor thing, I know you're hurting at the moment.

But look over your statement and remind yourself of the reality of the situation...

Want to be married anymore and became the person he was that I fell in love with

BUT

whilst shafting me left right and centre.

Would you have fallen in love with a man capable of shafting the mother of his children like he has with you? No! That IS who he is. That's his character underneath whatever he is selling her right now.

Sorry I know that might not help at the moment but don't forget that

I ant explain how much everyone's advice is helping.. my friends are sick of hearing it and I understand that, so to hear from an outsider really does help! This lockdown has heightened everything but talking it through and getting some outside comments is helping loads, Thankyou for taking the time to help me!! Xx

Fear not she will soon see his shitty side if she hasn't already.....she probably feels under immense pressure to keep up the pretence of a perfect relationship after setting up with someone else's husband

How long until did it take him to let himself go when he was with you? Divide that by 2 and that's how long she has left 😂

It was after he started his own business... he was away 5 nights a week working over the uk and muffins here supported him, raising both kids and working full time and living on a shoe string, which was why when he came home he wasn't interested in me or the kids atall... now we've split up he doesn't work as much and spends quality time with them, I'm glad about that, just wish he'd done that with me rather than me wasting years of my life while we had the kids being alone... and as he's got his own business he hides all the money he earns so literally pays me pittance a week, while rocking up to collect the kids on his weekend wearing designer gear.... I'm clearly very bitter aren't I... god I wish I could just get hypnotised and forget him lol!

I know some folk on here don't believe in karma, I don't know if I do, but I'm fairly sure he will never be happy, yet woman will never be happy (add a baby to the mix - prepare for that - and watch it explode). Of course he will show you his best side, Disney Dad style, when he rocks up for the kids! He's shallow!! Use your time to make the best of everything for you and the kids. Fake it til you make it. One day you'll be free and happy, living the dream, and he'll be making someone else's life hell. Lucky escape xx

@hopingtobedally To be fair, if OP and her ex split up 2 years ago, and the ex has been with his new partner for 2 months, the new partner hasn't "set up with someone else's husband", has she?!

If I were you I would want the past back so I could dump him when I should have.

You let yourself be taken for a mug for years

she probably feels under immense pressure to keep up the pretence of a perfect relationship after setting up with someone else's husband

Huh? They split up two years ago so that's really not it, the women in question hasn't set up with "someone else's husband" at all.

OP I'm sorry you feel crap at the moment, it's so hard and although it sounds like bullshit time is a healer and you'll come out of the other side of this

I know and I don't have hatred towards her.. I hope if he doesn't find someone it's someone lovely to my kids.. bits it's always that dread... I got married and had babies with him as I thought I'd be with him forever and the fact that now I have to share my babies with another mother figure is devastating.

Thankyou for all the advice, it's amazing how hearing ppl who don't know me share advice helps so so much!! I was literally at my end with it all. Thanks all xxxx

I know it's so hard now he's coming across as fitter, more 'out there', go-getting etc. and other people are seeing the best in him. The gf makes you feel almost like his shitty behaviour is being rewarded because he's putting on a show. Just remember you know the truth. You know what he's like down the line when the initial spark has faded and you know he's not so great at that. You need to remember two years is nothing: very natural for you to feel weird and sad about the gf.

I'd sign up to a dating app and have some fun of my own: it'll take your mind off watching them play house if nothing else.

OP, I can't tell you how much I relate to what you're going through. My situation is similar - my ex-husband has recently moved in with someone I once considered a friend, and who I worked with for years. I don't know when they got together (he won't tell me), so it's unclear if they were seeing each other before we split, or not. He's become for her what I always said I needed, but he was never willing to do that for me. It's absolutely devastating. I can't believe how long it's taking me to process my feelings about all of this - and to have wasted 11 years of my life supporting and taking care of someone who couldn't even be bothered trying to fix things and moved on to someone else... but here's what I've been trying to do -

This processing makes us question our reality, to relive what's happened and how much we've lost. There were good times- of course there were, and those are still yours too. But it can be easy to forget the reasons why it ended in the first place. You weren't happy, and he wasn't willing to fix it - by the sound of things. That's important to remember. Whatever he is now, whatever he is doing, try to center yourself and think about you - who are you, what do you want and need from a partner? Remember that everything wasn't perfect, remember that there were legitimate problems, and reasons that it ended. Try and come to peace with the fact that he wasn't willing to give you what you needed, and that you deserve better. I hope you can find peace - I'm still trying, but I often have to remind myself that this is to goal. But you also need and deserve to grieve this loss- you've lost not just a person who was one of the most important in your life, but also a future that you saw for yourself with him. That's important - you need to recognise that loss and grieve it. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself as you process it.

You matter more than what you feel right now. Your happiness, and having a partner that respects, loves and supports you matters. He wasn't that for you - not enough anyway. Not by the end. Try to find peace. You're not alone in this - there are so many people going through the same thing. I hope you can find peace very soon x