Does he think I fancy him?

[EoinMcLovesCakeJumper]

I'm currently working from home full-time and, what with one thing and another, I've not had an easy time with my mental health. I was getting to the point where I was starting to let things slide at work, so I told my boss some vague details about what was going on and that I was seeking help (this is true). He was really understanding about it all and said he would support me in any way he could.

He started sending me jokey WhatsApp messages with memes, pictures of his pets, funny things that had happened over the weekend etc. All entirely innocent and lighthearted, and it did really help me. I always let him start a chat, it would usually go on for about 5 or 6 messages, and then when he sent something that didn't require a response, I would leave it there. There was never anything that I felt was flirtatious or inappropriate.

Just recently, every message he has sent me seems to mention his wife, to the point where he has to shoehorn her in when it's not remotely relevant. The same goes for work-related conversations on the phone or over Teams. The odd mention where it would come up naturally is one thing, but this feels more deliberate, and I now think I'm being warned off, for want of a better term.

I accept that I could be massively overthinking this, but I really feel quite insulted and embarrassed. I do not fancy my boss - he's a lot younger than me and I have no interest in young men. I hate the idea that he might see me as this sad, lonely old woman who's so desperate for love that she's latched onto the first man who shows a bit of kindness.

The WhatsApp chat, which was actually a source of support for me when I was struggling, now feels like something he's doing against his better judgement. I feel inclined to not bother replying any more if he thinks it's given me the wrong idea.

Do I need to give myself a shake?

You could be right about this. Some men think that all women fancy them.

I wouldn't worry about it OP.

Maybe he decided to keep an eye on you because of the lockdown, which mine did too, but perhaps he mentioned his wife because he might be scared that he looked like he fancies you.

You don't need to give yourself a shake. You're nice, he's a caring boss who's probably aware that friendliness could be misinterpreted. Neither of you fancies each other.

I wonder whether he’s doing it because his wife has got prickly after seeing all his messages to you? It could be that she’s worried, not that he thinks you fancy him?

It sounds as though he was trying to be kind but worried you may think he was being creepy and keeps mentioning the wife so he doesn’t seem a threat. I would just be very polite back and not worry about itat all.

As the above poster said, it’s nice that he looked out for you, and if there haven’t been any lines crossed I wouldn’t worry about it. I’d be inclined to back off a bit from the chats, but then would that look like you’re backing off because he doesn’t fancy you?! Just carrying on with shorter chats might be the way forward?

It sounds like you wanted to support you but is worried he was over-familiar and is trying to make it clear he’s just being a kind boss.

Maybe it's not about you, but his wife has questioned his messaging and he's now being careful to make her feel more secure about it. Who knows?

If you're no longer enjoying the contact, you can just give minimal responses like a smiley face or something and not enter into messaging ping-pong with him.

Honeyroar urgh, I didn't even think of that. It's going to look like I'm mooning about over him whatever I do, isn't it??

I think it's the implied idea of me being needy and vulnerable that I don't like. As if he needs to yell "DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA, I'M TAKEN!" every time he interacts with me, otherwise I might sitting at home re-reading all his texts for hidden meaning.

Exactly what category12 said. If he messages you a funny thing, only reply with a grin emoji. Brief, polite but non-committal replies over whatsapp. Polite but not over-friendly on the phone, with a warm 'ah how lovely' when he mentions his wife.

I think he crossed the boundaries a bit by WhatsApping you, and his wife gave him a bollocking about how his behaviour could be misinterpreted.

Mute WhatsApp read a book instead my work WhatsApp turned into a baking competition so I muted it alot off people where ignored when posting and just the more popular people got replies.
I'm too old for this kind of WhatsApp group so just ignore him he may miss you more than you miss him.

I think it is to make you realise he doesn't fancy you in case you think he fancies you.

If you dont fancy him then dont worry about it. relationships with collegues have become alot more personal these days x

I can't imagine that his wife sees me as a threat. I'm a fat plain middle-aged woman and she's seen me on video calls, so she can hardly have built up some sort of picture of me as a husband-stealing temptress!

I've muted the chat on WhatsApp and I won't be bothering to reply if he does message me again. It was something I enjoyed at first but if it's causing problems for him or making him uncomfortable, then I have other friends I can chat to.

There have been a few threads on here about DP/DH messaging female colleagues.

I wouldn't cut them out OP. Just carry on as normal.

Given that I have no idea what you look like I can only imagine that you are probably a lot more attractive than you claim to be.

I don't do video because I look lie an old witch.

I get the vice versa all the time, I’ll say hello to one of my daughters friends mums in the shop or wacky warehouse or whatever and they’ll clang their husband into every other sentence I’m learning which ones not to bother with now!

Mike I've seen some of those threads, which hasn't helped! But honestly - my boss is locked down with his wife, they see each other all day and all night, and I live a long way away from them. There's absolutely nothing about me that any other woman would feel threatened by. I'm being charitable to myself by saying "plain". In any case, I'm not comfortable with the chats now, so I will be pulling back.

I think men 'overly' mention their wife, when they have a crush or feelings and they know it's wrong. So, mentioning their wife, makes them feel more secure. I might be wrong. Or she has picked up something and confronted him hence why he is now overly mentioning her.

If the messages are helping, then juts crary on as normal.

Don't change your behaviour for the sake of someone else.

If all is innocent, which it sounds like, it'll all carry on without harm, while you need the support and you may be helping him as well.

Could you introduce references to a friend to counteract your perception that he might think you are sad and lonely? Doesn't have to be entirely true, but regular mentions of your friend Bob / Brenda in the same way that he mentions his wife might be enough to make things feel more balanced. I know you shouldn't have to but if MN has taught me one thing it's that an awful lot of people automatically assume that there is something suspicious about a man being friends with a single female.

He definitely doesn't fancy me! I'm really not playing down the way I look.

Yes, it's a shame, I was starting to think we were becoming friends, I do actually really like him as a person.