My husband puts work before family

[AnnieG35]

Hi all.
I'm having serious doubts about my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 11 years with 3 children. I work full time as does he, however he works 6 days and excessive hours. Ie 16hrs per day.
This has always been the way, but the last few years this is really taking its toll on me. I'm not happy. I see other couples doing normal things like having a coffee/lunch together or out walking together. I don't have this in my relationship. We eat together once every 2 weeks as I work every 2nd weekend. The way my shifts are I'm at home 3 days 1 week and 4 the next. He could come and eat dinner with us but chooses to eat at work.
I've told him many times I'm not happy. This week I told him I feel like we are just room mates. He does no homework, nothing with the children. There is definitely no other woman involved and this I am 1000%sure.
I feel he has no interest in his family, he didn't even notice the children were away for 2 nights before covid. It was only wen I told him to which he said I should have said something.
Tonight I have asked him to come home early to discuss this. I'm already disheartened because I know he won't come home before 10.
Am I wasting my time having this same chat for the 100th time or what do I do. I'm scared for the future for me as a single parent although I'm already living it just with him here. #deflated wife

No Housework not homework

You know what to do. It's scary but you are clearly very unhappy in this situation and you need to change it. He won't change. The only thing that might have any affect is your genuine move towards a divorce. Not idle threats but cold hard moves. Do it, it will feel better immediately. Good luck.

Sounds like he has checked out of family life

Why did he have a wife & 3 children, if he didn't want to spend any time together ?

Do you go on holidays together ?

Does he work for a company or is he self employed ?

Where is the daily communication ?

If he’s always been like this why did you have three children? Did you think he would change? Did he say he would? Tell him to pay for someone to do his half of the chores if he won’t do it. Leave him to look after the children some of the time.

I could have written this, I've spent 11 weeks in lockdown parenting two boys with SEN alone. Even at weekends my H is 'busy' catching up on emails.. yesterday I lost my shit. I totally get what you are saying. Ive been a single parent for years, but I'm scared of being alone .. even though I am alone! I seem to have hit the wall this week 😕

What's his job?

Anytime we have gone on hols I have gone and booked without telling him beforehand otherwise it wouldn't happen.
He works for a company and he also has his own little business on the side. He doesn't need to work all these hours as we are very very fortunate to be comfortable.
I'm not asking for much only for him to invest time in his family I mean that goes without saying. Well it should. Yes I genuinely thought he would change but we'll :(

He's a HGV driver. He's the lovely man with a great heart and never sees me without anything only his time. It's started to affect me in a different way of late. I've started to think there is actually something wrong with me that he can't bring himself to spend no more than a few hrs with me

Ah well. HGV drivers do tend to work long hours. Does he do long trips which is why he gets home late?

I'm presuming he gets paid by the load, hence his income would drop if he worked 5 days instead of 6.

I am also in a very similar situation.
For years I didn’t want to be the one crying “I want you to leave because you work too hard” as that felt ridiculous and ungrateful.
However my husband and are now both working full time from home. His long commute and different office culture are no longer excuses I can extend for him. I’ve finally been able to realise he’s putting his own needs first. Yes he works hard but so do I. And doing everything in the house and the childcare alone is selfish of him. If working from home hasn’t changed his input into family life, nothing will.

So I’ve set myself a deadline and will be telling him next weekend it’s over. I’m researching the last few bits on finances and divorce process so I feel as prepared as I need to be to be brave enough to have the conversation I’ve put off for years 😢

It’s a sad realisation but the sense of relief has been massive. There will be tough times ahead but I’m now looking forward to my future.

He doesn't do long haul and he is not paid by the load. He gets a salary.

Does his own upbringing play any part in how he is? I.e. his dad was the worker and mum the housewife?
Really life is too short to waste your years feeling like you're missing something that given the chance another man would jump to give you OP as by sounds of it, would even the children miss dad?

Addams you have hit the nail on the head. His father was and is the same, however so was my upbringing but I'm still willing to invest in my family

My dh is a hgv driver and those hours seem to be the norm. However my dh doesn't work weekends and nor do I. He gets up about 2/3am and will be home at 5/6pm, he always sits down and has tea with us, then spends half an hour watching tv, again with us then will go to bed (he does the washing up before he goes to work in the morning).

Can your dh do something like this, start early so he can at least see you all for a bit before bed?

He's also very hands on when he's home and will make lots of effort to do things together on the weekend.

It helps as we also have a cleaner so I do minimal housework.

Another thought, can he sort his 6 days to coincide with your day off? My dh does this sometimes if I have to work a weekend?

On his days off he goes and works on cars. His HGV job is delivering to shops so that early start wouldn't work for him. It's all he's interested in is working :(

If that's the case op, use this time to get your ducks in a row. Sort out the finances, even speak to a solicitor and see where you stand. I'd have one last conversation with him, and if he doesn't change then I'd be leaving. Life is too short to spend time in a none relationship. It sounds like he's a lodger rather than a father or husband

So he works
Then spends his time off doing his hobby
No family interaction ?

None, he'll be here on a Sunday and if he's not cutting the lawns he'll be asleep as he's exhausted from working

I wonder what your DH opinion would be

Would he say, he works 6 days to provide for his family
Then chores on day off
Then relax with car hobby
Perhaps he thinks he is doing enough

However lacking with
Communication
Family interest & family time
Emotional, spiritual connection

What happens on special days like birthdays, Christmas, holidays ?

Can you find something where you can all meet in the middle ?

Grow a wild flower meadow, then don't have to cut grass

Or if children are old enough can they cut grass ?

I tried to find a balance, I spoke to him about helping with the chores before. I said I understood he is tired so I made the suggestion that the bathroom is his to take care of. He done it once and never again.
When He has the children wen I work sun he still hasn't given them dinner wen I get home at 9pm. No showers or school uniforms ready. He leaves it to me. I work full time too. I work on the frontline and sometimes my days consist of been verbally abused, spat at, assaulted. When I get home and try to discuss my day his response is ah babe I don't want to hear about ur job, he'll make such a hissy fit if I ask for a cup of tea after a long shift. But he gets his plate handed to him wen he gets in. It's all so just one sided.

Wow he really doesn't appreciate you does he? You're frontline and he can't even be arsed to make kid's tea or get uniform together. You know what to do op.

When He has the children wen I work sun he still hasn't given them dinner wen I get home at 9pm. No showers or school uniforms ready. He leaves it to me. I work full time too. I work on the frontline and sometimes my days consist of been verbally abused, spat at, assaulted. When I get home and try to discuss my day his response is ah babe I don't want to hear about ur job, he'll make such a hissy fit if I ask for a cup of tea after a long shift. But he gets his plate handed to him wen he gets in. It's all so just one sided.

This makes me so sad to read OP - you deserve better

No he definitely doesn't. He knows I'm home today but yet he won't come home to eat with us. The more I write the more i cant actually believe this is how I live. I might add in addition to the no uniforms the house is also a massive tip that is left for me to clean. If I say anything, I cut the grass u never notice wat I do. Ie I would if you done anything