Let a guy pursue you

[hopingtobedally]

Is the advice out there for relationships
But thinking about everything and my relationships I have never been pursued
This makes me feel quite worthless and sad
Anyone else experience this?

The reason you've probably not experienced being pursued is maybe because you've never sat back back and given room for pursuit?

My experience as a younger woman was that I was only pursued by people I didn't want relationships with. Of course, looking back, I see it's because I was so overly-invested in the people I did want a relationship with, that I was the pursuer.

But beware. Wanting a pursuer leaves you wide open to a toxic partner. They will pursue. they will shower you with affection, gifts, everything you think you want. You mistake intensity for intimacy, and next thing you know, you are in an abusive relationship.

So now, as someone really happy with themselves and their life, I look for reciprocity. I look for a man who will take the lead, yes (because the inherent imbalance in relationships means it is far better for the man to kiss, and the woman to turn the cheek, as the French put it). But it really shouldn't matter who does what - balance is the key.

If one person is always the pursuer? Never gonna work

I have always been the chaser too. It might sound old fashioned, but it seems to mean that a man doesn't respect us so much, as we're making it clear they can have us (at least as a girlfriend or lover, whatever we're offering) whenever he wants. Often they will take what's offered on a plate and then treat us with disrespect, be insulting, and eventually disappear.

I've just started reading 'Why men love bitches' (the title is tongue in cheek btw) which someone recommended on here, would recommend. www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

A therapist said to me I should send one message in a relationship/friendship, then wait for the other person to take their turn, and that's how it should go. If you're making all the running, you appear desparate and also it dents your self esteem when you don't respond in kind.

Wanting a pursuer leaves you wide open to a toxic partner. They will pursue. they will shower you with affection, gifts, everything you think you want. You mistake intensity for intimacy, and next thing you know, you are in an abusive relationship.

@ChristmasFluff I would agree with you that reciprocity is the thing. They should seem interested and also we shouldn't put up with disrespect or they don't respect us.

The difference between a loving guy who might do some of the things listed and an abuser is also that he is consistent. He doesn't charm for a while and then be a cunt. He isn't friendly sometimes and not others. The first sign of mistreatment, and we should bin.

The trick to getting a decent relationship is demonstrating self-respect and interest in our own goals etc, and having standards of behaviour for men rather than thinking we win them by doing everything they want, or showing we desperately need or want them.

When I was younger I thought if a guy really likes you he will pursue(magazines and society influence). Mist of my pursuers turned into assholes or extremly needy individuals. I learned there is no game to it. Onee of the things that really drew me to my husband was that he took this on board from the beginning. I said it has to be mutual, if not, cary on searching. so we both called, texted, took an interest in each other's lives, made plans for dates etc. And I really think sometimes men might loose interest when they have to constantly play the hunter. I would as well, I wouldn't pursue someone if don't see the same level of implication. Maybe you were just unlucky so far?

The guys that have pursued me have either been ones who wouldn't accept i didn't feel that way about them, so did romantic grand gestures to try and persuade (and guilt trip) me into caving and dating them.

Works well when you're younger, especially if you've been in abusive relationships before - incredibly manipulative of the person doing the pursuing.

Or, they've been people who projected their ideal image onto me. I could have been anyone - I was just an "unattainable woman" like a romantic trope not a whole person. They would pursue me because they felt I was out of reach, on a pedestal, but I only felt that way to them because I wasn't interested.

I'm not unattainable at all, when I'm interested in someone and there is a healthy dynamic it flows naturally and chasing isn't required on either side.

Hope that made sense, I think it's a jumbled!

My main point is, don't be the chaser but also don't seek out someone pursuing you. Neither is healthy. When it's mutual and equal you don't need to play games.

Nobody i could sleep with pursues me either.

I think it should feel equal. If one person is doing all the work then the foundation is off from the beginning.

I dont think relationships should ever feel like a chase or pursuit. They should feel like you've met a good friend.

Bunnymummy spot on.

I think I'm taken with the Hollywood romance idea that if a guy isn't chasing you with massive bouquets they don't like you. I've felt so low and down at the hands of men recently and I need to break this habit of needing male attention. Anyone know any good self help books? Just to help me be happy as I am?

Trust me, if they are chasing you with massive bouquets, chances are they are a love bombing narcissist. I'd take something...kind and warm any day over some fake Hollywood bullshit.

The chasing bouquet types are love bombers and future fakers... and normally wankers!

A nice bloke who shows up with a bunch of flowers because you've been getting on really well is ace! A bloke relentlessly pursuing you and putting you on a pedestal... nah.

If you see someone saying they want to "treat someone like a princess" then scroll past them, you can't have a proper laugh with men like that because they don't view us as their equals.

Sorry you've been feeling down I hope some people have some book recommendations, lots are centred around making yourself unattainable or on a pedestal which I think is as unhealthy as doing the opposite.

I was always aware that pursuing could be seen as creepy. Also one of the best things I learned was if someone doesn’t seem that into you don’t follow them round like a puppy. If you always have to run after them or persuade them to spend time with you or give you attention then just get over them and move on. Only took about 35 years to figure that one out

I've felt so low and down at the hands of men recently and I need to break this habit of needing male attention. Anyone know any good self help books? Just to help me be happy as I am?

I think the Bitches one is good in parts.

Also you could do the Freedom Programme if you haven't already, read Living with the Dominator etc. My local Freedom Programme facilitators have a new thing called Own My Life which some of them are running in small groups over Zoom. I've done one session so far and it was good. You could ring your local FP facillitators for a chat and to see what they're doing at the mo. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ Even if you don't entirely see yourself as having been abused, the FP etc can be useful and interesting. It helps you to see red flags and is just fascinating anyway IMHO.

Start hating men basically rather than thinking it's anything about you. How dare those cunts have treated you that way! If that happens again they can fuck off! Get angry and prepared to tell crap ones to bugger off, or block. It can actually be satisfying.

Think of all the wankerish things they've done, then you won't want their attention any more than you would shit on your shoe.

Think how awful they are and never want one again.

Enjoy the freedom from having to worry what they'll think of your body etc, and from having to perform all the sexual chores which are part of sex but lets face it none of us enjoy all of it, some of it we just do to please our partner, at least some of the time.

Start conceptualizing what you've experienced as abuse- verbal, emotional and sexual abuse or whatever, then you're not somebody who's been treated disrespectfully, at least not just that.

You're someone who's now free of abuse.

This doesn't mean you necessarily aren't open to having a man in your life one day. They would just have to really impress you (not be crap.) Because you're worth it.