Contraception causing issues

[Moneytree1]

My husband and I have been together for about five years (married 2). For the first year and a half we used condoms and then we used the pill for a couple of years. I don't like using the pill- a few of them gave me mood swings and weight gain. Finally found one I didn't mind but even then I don't like the idea of adding hormones to my body and also I have pretty bad health anxiety and it causes me to worry about cancer.

So I stopped about six months ago. Our sex life has gone completely downhill since then. My husband can't hold an erection with condoms and keeps on insisting that I go back on the pill which makes me angry. I have told him I think he blames the condoms when the reason is something else because he didn't have any problems with condoms at the beginning of our relationship.

We don't have children and don't want to have them for another 2-3 years at least. What can I do?

I have started using natural cycles and have friends who have been using it for years on prevent a pregnancy mode, really impressed so far. I actually started using it to learn more about my cycles before my husband and I switch onto plan a pregnancy mode but really impressed so far so worth a look to see if it would suit you.

You could use a different barrier method like the diaphragm. Used properly it can be very effective.

There is more to the erection issue - you think it, I think it.
Does he use porn?

I don't believe he watches porn at all. We are planning a big move and he's looking for jobs so I'm wondering if the stress is causing it.

It might.
Are there any other factors like age and health conditions that might suggest ED?

Why doesn't he try viagra or similar to rebuild his confidence in his erections? You shouldn't go back on hormonal contraceptives if you don't want to.

He's in his early 30s and perfectly healthy. If I even suggest something like Viagra I think he would blow up- he's being incredibly touchy and defensive about the subject.

He sounds a bit bullying? Is it over being sensitive about this issue alone, or is it his go-to whenever there's conflict about anything?

Contraception is both your problems and it's unfair of him to pressure you. Relationship counselling/sex therapy? it might help to talk about it in the presence of a counsellor to stop him shutting you down with his anger.

The contraception isn't the problem - his attitude is.

I think you know this - as you say,he was fine with condoms at the beginning of the relationship.

He's like those men who 'help out' around the house when you first move in, then do nowt when you are married.

Yes, you could use a cap or diaphragm. But that won't change the person he is. Someone who sees contraception as your problem.

It's pretty clear from the outside that it isn't contraception that's the problem it's his attitude. Condoms do not cause ED, and you have the proof they don't with him. His bullying and a relationship that precludes any chance of discussion are very bad signs. Personally I would be reassessing the whole deal.

Don't tell him to try viagra. He would find it insulting and he should not need any assistance at his age. Having said that his attitude to you clearly leaves a lot to be desired, he knows you have health anxieties and even so he is trying to force you on to the pill. Even if you had no issue he should not be pressuring you in this way. As others have said this is a red flag and at the very least you need to make it clear to him that contraception, like many other things, is a joint decision and not his alone.

If he was happy with condoms before then it does sound as though this is ED/performance anxiety and stress could well be the cause. But the answer is to deal with the stress, not force unwanted pills on to you.

You've had some good advice already so from a practical perspective, what about the copper coil? Sorry to suggest something that puts all the responsibility on you, it's just one form of non-hormonal contraception I can think of.

My ex went through a phase like this. I don't really know why, but i generally thought it was important to make it clear to him that it wasn't a big deal from my perspective, and there were other ways to enjoy ourselves. Eventually, the mental block he had cleared, and we never had any problems again. I think it was also kind of good for our sex life in the long run, because it made us more creative about what we did (we were pretty young at the time, and sex had been still quite lacking in foreplay...).

My current partner also sometimes has issues, though i think that's more in part because he's on the large size, and i guess maybe it's easier to lose it. he used to be quite embarrassed about it, but i've taken the same tack and he's more relaxed about it - it usually comes back, though there is definitely a need for some concentration and continued play from me while the condom goes on.

but I agree with PP that this is something you need to talk about...

I will check out natural cycles- thanks for the suggestion. I have heard some horror stories regarding periods on the copper coil so I'm a bit hesitant to give it a try. He is pretty open for talking about everything except for this subject which he is very defensive about. I do think he's going through some sort of mental block..