Ok I post on here a lot, but i think that just goes to show how confused my mind is. I've posted before about my marriage a number of times and have often received quite demoralising responses saying that leaving my husband is a no brainer, or basically saying I'm weak and failing my daughter for staying and keeping my child in this situation. However I just don't see it as being that simple. My brain is constantly working, thinking and never coming to any conclusion. I know his behaviour is wrong at times, but I can't see what others see and I feel that I am heavily to blame for the situation and should be working harder to make things better.
My sister is convinced my husband is abusive and controlling and I haven't told her anywhere near half of what goes on. She works with abused women, so she would know I suppose. A lot of people on here have told me his behaviour is abusive as well. But I really struggle to see it. He accuses me of being abusive and angry, so most of the time I end up putting any argument on me.
My mum is an alcoholic and my dad was an incredibly angry and critical man when I was a child, so I had a very difficult childhood, and at 17 jumped straight into a relationship with my husband. Perhaps like a drowning person clings to anything to survive. We have been together 13 years, married for nearly 4. Even in our formative years, if I think back, he would make jokes at my expense. I just thought that was 'banter' as it were. He would make snide comments about my driving, criticise my family, laugh at my hobbies, mock my music taste, or what I wanted to watch on tv, I'm the butt of jokes in his family for my cooking skills. I'm very clearly thought of as undomestic. As a young women who has always has to put up with such comments both at home and school where I was bullied mercilessly, it didnt occur to me there was anything wrong. Obviously over time this have moved to much worse name calling and general nastiness. But not all the time. And he can be nice sometimes. However I started to feel that the nice came at a price, that would be used as ammunition against me at a later date. 'I cooked you a meal, you are so ungrateful' if I got something wrong.
I have drawn a line. He is currently not at home after I walked out 2 weeks ago, saying it was over. At this point I was physically and emotionally exhausted, of what I feel is a never ending rollercoaster. We would have arguments, I mean massive rows that lasted sometimes for days of him refusing to be civil to me. Then we would make up and for a few days or weeks there would be a peace. Only the time between rows grew shorter. The highs were not as high and the loss were lower. Lockdown has not been my friend and I have to admit that I felt my only choice was to get in the car and stay with my sister. He has since moved to his parents.
However I have conceded ground on my initial 'its over' stance, to saying we need to get some help for our issues, before we can live together and make this work. And for a few days I really believed this. But he is now up to the old tricks of messaging me inflammatory comments. I'm trying not to respond. He then accuses me of not trying to fix anything, of stringing him along, of all this being on my terms. I have asked for space and yet he has messaged me every day. Obviously we need contact because of my daughter.
I'm sorry this is such a long post. But I cannot see things clearly at all. My head is a complete mess. Deep deep down I know this needs to end. But I can't do it. Is this a trauma bond? How do I make a decision? How can I see things more clearly? Has anyone escaped this mind f* rollercoaster and lived to tell the tale. Any solidarity would be great.