crazy family sitation

[aubz88]

Basically, I was raised by my mother and maternal grandparents. My father wasn't really involved.

I've never even had a conversation with him before.
He came around a few times when I was a kid but not enough for me to even know who he was when he came. Eg. 4,5, 9 and 18. That's it and zero contact in between.

He knew where we lived this whole time and every couple of years would phone my mother. It was usually in the middle of the night
when my maternal grandfather and I were asleep e.x 11PM to 3AM.

I was told that my father got my mother pregnant, wanted her to abort, dumped her because she would not and then lied to her
saying that my grandparents knew and were not interested. I was also told that he would not see me unless sex with my mother
was on the table. My mother is kind of cruel to me as well so it's hard to say; I mean she sould not have even told me any of this.
My maternal grandparents were nice to me.

Last year I came into contact with my paternal grandparents.
Basically, I was told that they knew about me but were not interested.
I reached out to them looking for family medical info and genealogical info.

I'm getting older and the doctors are interested in my family medical history.

I didn't think it was a big deal to contact them for this purpose because I thought that they knew.

I sent them a letter in the mail. It turns out that they didn't know about me.

Anyways, I was not expecting much when I reached out.
They immediately wanted to take on the grandparent role in my life and that they were thrilled to hear from me.

They told me that they had a 'hunch' but didn't specifically know.

At first, I thought that this was great but a little suspicious.
After several months of corresponding with them, I've developed a bond with them and they introduced me to a few of my cousins.

Unfortunately, this became very painful for me as I have begun to see what I have missed out on and have been excluded from.
I didn't have a good childhood and all these cousins could have done me good.

I have 2 half-siblings who don't know about me but I knew about them. My father phoned my mother to tell her that he had a wife 2 kids. I must have been about 14-16 at the time.

My father reached out to me when I was 18 but I rejected. I was very suspicious of his intentions and there were issues between my mother and I.

He had also phoned my mother to tell her that his wife and him were divorcing and he wanted to come and live with my mother.

So now I find myself in a tough situation. I've bonded with my grandparents so I can't back out now but it's so painful.

They expressed sadness, anger and disappointment towards my father. I'm unable to discuss the situation with them; it becomes to emotional for everyone.

They tried to talk to my father about it and he refused to enter into a conversation about this situation twice.

They said that they are too afraid to talk to my half-siblings about this, as we have been in contact for a year now. (Thye are keeping this a secret too!)

There are issues between my father and his kids (he doesn't see my half-sister anymore because he wasn't a good dad to her). There are also issues with his ex-wife.

So they cannot just go in and tell them. My grandparents said that they haven't seen my half-siblings in over 2 years now because
of the issues with the controlling ex-wife.

I don't know what to do.

1. It's very weird that my father would tell my mother about his children and try to reach out yet not want to talk now. He didn't say that he didn't ever want to talk to me; he just remains silent and won't discuss anything with anyone.
2. I've bonded with my grandparents and can't back out now. They seem committed to being in my life. They've sent me gifts etc.
3. My half-siblings have Facebook but don't go on there very often. If I sent them a message it could just hang there for months.
4. My grandparents are elderly 85 and I don't want to burden them but I can't even share my side of the story with them.
5. My grandparents want my father and I to reconcile. I can't reconcile with someone who won't communicate. What if we don't want to reconcile?

I don't know what the future is here.

Oh my dear.
I think you need to enjoy your Grandparents.
Your father may be as awful as your mother painted him, or he may not be. He may feel that he tried hard to have a relationship with you, but couldn’t because of your Mum, he may feel that he was protecting his parents from pain by not telling them, and now feel that he will lose them.
I think contact depends on the ages of your half siblings. If they are under 18, it may not be easy for them to decide what to do if you contact them directly. Maybe let your grandparents know that you are sick of secrets, they’ve done no one any good so far, and wait a year to see if they gain courage.
I’m sorry that you have notbeen protected by your parents, but I am glad that you have had some support from both sets of grandparents.. The evidence is that as long as children have a concerned adult in their liveS they can grow up strong despite poor parenting. And I think you have.

Hi OP, I had a similar ish situation growing up.
My mother had me but was was and is a complete d*ck. My mother decided she didn't want to know anything about him or his life and left him before i was born as he was a serial cheat, i think there was even a court order as he basically stalker her.
Anyway, fast forward to me being 17, i find out that i have 2 half sisters, I've always wanted sisters and have 2 half brothers who i love to bits. (my home life was actually really good, step dad took me on at the age of 1 and has been in my life for 33 years now). My mother doesn't like to discuss anything about it, all i had was a name and that's it, no address, no formal addresses, she was very difficult about it all. My god mother came to visit just after my 18th and bought a load of pictures with her and a bit more information, i learned that he's got married, had the 2 girls and moved away but after they'd split up they'd moved back to my town, which is very very small. Thanks to facebook i managed to track one of them down through a mutual friend and started a relationship with them. I was 21 by this point, my half sisters were 15 and 17.
I tried for years to have some kind of relationship with but in all honest there's just no bond there, i haven't spoken to either of them since i was 29 and I'm 34 now. I couldn't care less either.
What does make me sad though is my step grandparents knew my actual grandparents on my dads side, and they always asked after me and they updated them, with my mum approval i think. I lived in the next street over and just thought she was some crazy cat lady as she's come outside and watch us kids play on our bikes or the grass. I could have had a relationship with them before both died, I'm never going to get tha chance now. I was devastated at the time when i found this out, though I've moved on now.
Take it slow. It doesn't hurt to reach out, just be prepared that they might not want to know. My sisters always knew about me but were told they couldn't go looking for me as they didn't know what my situation was and if i knew about them and they didn't want to disrupt my home life. You could find that it's the same situation with your siblings