Husband talks down to me

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

Am questioning my sanity and relationship standards.. Husband continues to talks down to me from lofty heights & diminishes me in front of kids. Am peri-menopausal so is it just me being sensitive? He has always been a good provider and has an amazing job. My career has been piece-meal after parenthood as made redundant, moved house for his job 3 times and lost my skills. 1) we've been together 20 years, how do i get him to appreciate me? He underestimates the childcare as has never done it 2) I've totally retrained myself & brought in thousands for our business but he is the "face" of the business & takes on most responsibility so says its all down to him (if it is how come I work 7 hour days? Then do the housework, shopping, childcare, recruit & manage staff, all marketing, all accounting responsibility etc etc) a)what should I do and b)Can I have a reality check? 👩🏻✔️

He sounds charming. Go on strike.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How do you think he views the children if he can and does talk to you like this?. They are picking up on all this too and their house is not the sanctuary it should be.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this the blueprint you want them to keep learning from?. Its not good enough for them and its not good enough for you either.

If he does not appreciate you and your associated efforts after 20 years he never will. He is not going to somehow change into a nice and or decent husband. He may be a good provider but he is not a good husband. Also that is in itself no basis to remain with him.

I would look into no longer being in business with him (I would think he has done you over financially on that too) or remaining in such a marriage.

The reality is, if you're being more sensitive due to perimenopause, or due to anything, or if you're generally a sensitive person, your husband should respect your level of sensitivity.

The reality is, there's nothing wrong here except your husband.

The reality is, you need to tell him to respect you, or you'll leave him. Otherwise, you demonstrate to your kids every day that being put down in a relationship is fine, and that's what they'll settle for as adults.

Is your businesses a limited company and do you own half the shares ?

Yes, the financial situation... who owns the business? What happens when you pull him up on how he talks to you?

Are your skills transferable? If so and you worked elsewhere, would you earn more or less than you do now?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

'Peri-menopausal' doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. xx

so says its all down to him

'Wow that's fab to hear! Oh goodness, I never realised that I've been running around doing 7 hour days, the housework, shopping, childcare, recruit & manage staff, all marketing, all accounting responsibility and it wasn't even necessary! That's fab, I'm off to retrain in something I love, build my own career and spend more time with people who respect and are pleasant to me! Good luck!'

Take a 'holiday' and leave him to it

op who says you have to put up with this?

STOP...take a full day out, just go off somewhere an hour away with a notebook.

Write down a plan of what you want to change and what you want your life to look like...WITHOUT thinking about him, his feelings, his wishes at all. Just you and your future.

You are clearly smart and have good adminstrative and financial skills, apply them now to YOUR LIFE.

Set out a plan (that does not include getting him to appreciate you, he never will, his loss)
And a timescale for changes and how to do it.....

Treat this as a business exercise, not emotional, you will see more clearly, use those skills to set out what you need to be happy and how to get there.

Go home and start, if you waver, look at your plan and keep on going...good luck.

Next time he talks down to you or diminishes your role at work or at home do the below suggested by a pp, make sure he's aware that it's because of his attitude and behaviour

Take a 'holiday' and leave him to it

Yeah sometimes when women are peri-menopausal or menopausal they are less likely to put up with other people’s shit. Their tolerance for bad behaviour diminishes.

Or maybe something has happened that highlighted how little regard he has for you? And now you can’t unsee it. And you start to remember all the other things he has done in the past that have made you feel small and uncared for.

Do you think he loves you? Or he just loves what you do for him?

If you've explained how it makes you feel and he continues, there isn't much you can do to make him change.

You don't belittle someone you love...you don’t talk to them like that in front of your children.

Have you told him that behaviour makes you find him unattractive and undesirable....that might help.

You have to take action in your best interests, as we only have control of ourselves.

You have to ultimately decide if you want to and can continue this way.

What is your place in the business?
Are you properly employed or do you get a token pay?
Do you own shares?

If your input isn't valuable just stop doing it. He'll work it out then.

Peri-menopausal' doesn't mean your feelings are invalid
Exactly this! And also being PM just means you've not got the patience to put up with bullshit.
Leave him to your 7 hour day at work. Leave the kids and the house to him for the day - morning until night.
Get him to do his own cooking etc...
See how he likes it but sadly after 20 years he is unlikely to change now.
In your shoes I'd have Maybe one more final conversation (after the above) about respect and feelings then agree to disagree and look to leave. You've given him 20 years already, don't waste any more on him if he's not willing to understand/change/fix it.

Do you take a good salary from the business? Or own half the shares?

You're working FT, so he's not the provider for the family, you both are.

How many hours a day does he work? Seems like the childcare and chores shouldn't be anywhere near 100% your responsibility. Maybe 60%:40% (assuming he works a few more hours than you)?

Hi ladies thank you so so much for your support!! It is really really appreciated and is not to be underestimated in its power. After reading your comments it made me stronger💪. Have begun answering back & mirroring any comments and tone of voice which has made him think and is on his best behaviour. I feel a lot more assertive! Aldo walking away from bad behaviour is helping. Am on a roll! Am getting some respect back too. Wow. In answer to questions the biz is 60/40 in a&b shares in his favour due to a fat cat solicitor who made me think it was normal for accounting purposes. TBH thats useless as its a 50/50 split after marriage so thats prob null & void (am not sure?) Am going to continue with my assertions and see how it goes. It better get better!! Xxxx

Take your skills and go and work somewhere else? If business is 60/40 then housework/childcare should be the same? He’s taking the piss if he’s doing nothing.

Tell him you want the shares 50:50 and no alphabet shares. Right now, he holds all the power and he can declare huge dividends to himself and none to you.

Your accountant or solicitor can change this easily for a small fee.

Otherwise you should quit and get a salaried job elsewhere. He’s treating you like staff because that’s how he thinks of you - not as an equal partner.

How do your salaries and pensions compare ?

Why has he never done childcare? Esp if you do nearly as much work for the business as him?

op l checked in to this tread and was so happy to hear that you are beginning to see how unfair and awful he is to you...

Please use your considerable skills to turn things to your favour, pay a cleaner, (you manage the finances and its tax efficient) don't ask permission just do it and go deaf to protests.
Offload 50% of chores by paid help, he will never step up.

Then use the time you have to look at planning your escape, or isf you really want to stay, changing things dramatically to rebalance the division of labour, equal pay and equal home workload.
Or like PP said leave the business and work elsewhere, l suspect you would be highly emplyable and better paid.

Get help at home first, then take the time to work out your Plan .....good luck!

Believe in your intelligence and skills, don't be put down again, when he tries, mentally put up your teflon shield and don't let it sink in. HE IS WRONG.