Does a break work?

[JustBeingMoi]

So we have longstanding issues in our marriage. It came to a head a couple of weeks ago. He is now with his parents. At the time I was certain it was over, but I have climbed down a bit and accepted we could try again, but only if things change.

I have made it very clear I am incredibly unhappy, and unwilling to carry on with life as was. We have both agreed to get some counselling for our separate issues that we both agree cause problems within the marriage.

I desperately feel like I need some space. He moved out for a week earlier this year, but then moved in and then lockdown happened and despite promises of change, nothing did. So I am wary of letting him come home, for it to just go back to how it was. I feel some space might help us reflect on what we want, how our respective behaviour has got us here, and how we can go forward. I have made it clear we have to focus on having a constructive relationship going forward for our daughter, whether that is together or apart. I am concerned that going forward this separation might lead to resentment and anger and compromise this relationship.

He is however putting pressure on me to come home and is resentful that he has to live with his parents while I'm in the family home. I have nowhere else to go, whereas he does, so this felt like the most sensible compromise, bearing in mind the current situation.

Can a separation work? Or am I jug a
coward and delaying the inevitable? I

He is not sorry at all, abusers never show any remorse. He can and should stay with his parents.

I would make this separation a permanent one and continue planning for a divorce.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat. I just feel so weak and pathetic. It's even more difficult at the moment, because I just want to have a cuddle with someone, which is obviously not possible. I feel very alone.

You are not alone; there is support for you both here online and in the real world. You can cuddle your child too; she is worth a million of your H. You would not want her as an adult to live like you have done in a relationship and its not good enough for you either.

Let him sweat; you carry on with rebuilding your life. Womens Aid are also worth contacting too if you have not already done so.

Counselling isn't just about getting back together, it can also be about coming to terms with the fact that you need to separate.

I would do it, either as a couple or on your own.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Counselling for yourself alone though could be useful, you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Yes, we are doing separate counselling. We tried joint counselling, but as several people on here correctly said at the time, it didn't work.

Do you have DC op? You mentioned family home? If not I would ask him for a complete break from all contact and put a timeframe on meeting in a neutral place to talk. I'd say a month of not contact so you can both have space to think and decide how you want to proceed. This way if he persists you will also have confirmation that he cares not about your needs or boundaries and know where you stand with him.

If you have DC are they old enough to contact him independently of you? If not can your mum for eg act as a go between so that you only get the essential information about the DC between you whilst you have the same month break of no direct contact?

We have a young daughter which is an added complication. I don't live close to my family, so would have to rely on his accommodating this.

He is basically telling me I'm writing this off, not bothering to try, Its all on my terms, I'm not trying to meet him half way etc etc

What were the issues?

On a different thread someone wrote that if you ask someone to change they may ACT different but they won't actually BE different and their true self will still be waiting to jump out when you're least expecting it.

This is the problem I now have. I gave dh an ultimatum last autumn that his angry outbursts and laziness had to change or he couldn't live with me and our young dd. He's tried really hard to be nice to us and generally do more but occassionally he's still so horrid. I'm starting to wish I hadn't given a choice at all because I am often sad he decided to stay. But I really enjoy the happy family bits of our life so wanted to try and make it work. Today I'm feeling like he's chipped away all of the affection I ever had for him.

Sorry op, no advice really, but at least you know you're not the only one feeling conflicted!

Have I missed something where in the posts does the OP mention 'abuse' ?

@Raidblunner I expect people have read my previous posts.