Should I stay or should I go?!

[qwertywhat]

Hi,

I think I already know the answer to be honest but I'm after a bit of help for want of a better word.

We have been together for 12 years with 2 children (8 and 3). Things were great for years but the last 2 it's all gone downhill. It feels like it all started with me losing weight but in hindsight I think it's been longer. I started losing weight 2 years ago and In total I've now lost nearly 8 stone. He has become increasingly jealous, questions when I come home, texts when I'm out, sarky remarks. It got to the point where I started turning down invitations with my friends.

I was on the verge of leaving a year ago and when he had a major cancer scare. I was so worried for him, back and forth to the hospital and it made me realise I did still love him. So he got the all clear and we decided to make a go of it.

He has always been paranoid (not just regarding me, life in general). This came to a head around a year ago when he got the all clear and he attempted to take his own life. He was initially diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but in a follow up appointment a GP saw something different and referred him to a psychiatric team. Long story short he has been diagnosed with psychosis. He sees a CPN 3 times a week.

He is extremely difficult to live with, the kids completely disregard him, they won't let him do baths, help with work, bedtime etc. The list goes on, they both always want me. I feel this is in part due to the fact he bothers so little with them, they now want nothing to do with him. He does the minimum around the house and apparently I'm always nagging. He doesn't get up on a morning so I have the daily 6am start with the youngest. He blames the medication he's now on but he stays up after midnight every night.

Since lockdown he has been on furlough. I have worked from home full time. He does none of the schoolwork or playing with them, I'm literally run ragged. All I ask for is 45 mins most days to do my workout but it's become almost impossible as he just lets them keep coming in to bother me. I can't workout on an evening as I'm that far behind with my work I use evenings to catch up.

To top it all off I have become increasingly anxious over the last 6 months and I think I probably need to speak to my GP.

I've had enough of this life. I have zero respect for him and my skin crawls if he tries to touch me. All the love and respect I had for him has eroded away. But how can I walk away from someone with severe mental health issues without looking like a grade A bitch?! However I don't feel like I can carry on living this life, I want (need!) more. Any help or perspective would be really appreciated.

Just to add, my family are close and are amazing and will do anything to help.

Hopeful bump

Sounds awful and I wouldn't blame you for splitting.
The only reason you seem to he staying is because he needs you and you fear you will look like a bitch. These are not good reasons to stay together.

You've got to leave. Even your kids don't like him! Seems you'd be better off on your own. Have a look at Mel Robbins videos on YouTube about making decisions. They helped me make some important decisions.

He has a support system in place for his MH issues, and treatment via meds. Now your MH is suffering because of the toxic situation you are living in. Seek help for your anxiety in the short term, and make a get out plan for the longer term.

When I was going through hell in my marriage every time I thought about posting on MN to ask for help I thought to myself "You know what they're going to say, you know the answer, you know if it's that bad what you need to do". I think you know what you need to do OP, not just for you but for your children.

You are not responsible for your husband's life. It sounds like he's making yours a lot more difficult than it needs to be. If your reasons for staying are just so you don't look like a bitch or because your husband 'needs' you you're doing yourself and your children no favours

Totally agree with TimelyManor. Deep down you know you should leave. You have to give yourself permission to leave, as you can see on this thread we all give that to you and think it is the best ting to do. It won't be easy but your H is responsible for himself, he needs to work to get better Himself and want to be more involved in family life himself, you can't do it for him.

You need to put your DC's needs first and living with him sounds quite toxic and depressing and in order to be the best for your DC you also need to put your own health first , he sounds exhauting and infuriating to live with and quite scary with his questioning and control issues, no wonder you are anxious, you have probably also been running on empty for a long time.

You can leave someone whilst still caring about their welfare. There is a book by Lundy Bancroft called Should I stay or should I go which could be useful in helping you think about things and set boundaries
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

If your H has psychosis, has it past or do the MH team think you are in any danger (Othello syndrome or similar)?

Go- you have a perfect right to.

You're not his CPN. He has all the professional support in place that he needs should there be any problems with his mental health. xxx

Well, firstly he’s a lazy sod, so be leaving you’d actually have less responsibilities, because presumably you’re doing everything for him as well.

Secondly, the fact that he’s become more unpleasant since you lost the weight suggests he preferred you fat and unhappy. While he thought you were unattractive he could feel secure, but now you’re slimmer, and presumably more attractive in his eyes, he’s feeling insecure and taking it out on you with all the nastiness. He actually preferred you fat and unhappy because it suited him. That is not the attitude of a loving partner.

I think you know the answer here OP. He’s not making you happy and he’s adding nothing but work, stress and resentment to your life, so it’s a no brainer really.

I know you won’t want to leave him because of his mental illness, but it’s not his mental illness that’s the problem, it’s his bullying abusive behaviour and his laziness. Even if the MH was successfully treated, he’d still be a lazy abusive arse.

Well done for shifting all that weight btw. You’ve done amazingly and it will no doubt make your life much happier. Now you have another 11 stone or so to shift.

You have got to leave him
For him
For yourself. And for your kids.

You will all be better off

Choose happiness choose life choose you

Choose what will make you happy, screw what other people think

I think your children's reaction to him is very healthy - they know he's not good for them and they avoid him. They couldn't tell you more clearly that they don't want to live with him. It's your duty to move for their mental health.

I think if you lived separately from him everything would seem happier and lighter. You'd find the energy at the end of the day because the relief of being alone would make you feel so great.

Your responsibility is towards the children, not towards him now.

Btw is he a weed smoker?

Please leave. If this was a new man he wouldn't see date two. Your dc have the measure of him. Do what is right by all of you and leave. You are fortunate you have family who will do anything to help. Let them.

We need to find a way to help you give yourself that permission OP so here's what I think, apologies if it seems harsh. Your primary responsibility is to your children and it sounds like it would be far better for them not to have to grow up witnessing the effects of their father's psychosis on a daily basis. It's not just the right thing for you to leave him, it's the right thing for them.

If someone in your situation said to me that they'd left because it was too hard on the kids, that it was sad but the right thing for them I would think they were brave and selfless, not heartless or cruel. And it's the truth, they shouldn't have to live with someone they're disconnected from or they feel rejected by, it can't be comfortable for them and must be damaging long term.

Thank you for all your replies. I Took some time to think about what you all said and I put my big girl pants on and told him it's over. He took it better than expected to be honest, but time will tell. There logistics and finances to sort, but I'll get there. I really appreciate all of your help and advice

Well done! yes, a lot to sort out, but relative peace and freedom await

Well done OP. Mental health issues do not give an excuse to opt out of parenting and leave it all to you. You aren't doing anything wrong. You need to prioritise the happiness of you and dc

Just wanted to update... things didn't seem to be getting any better with him knowing it was over, so 2 weeks ago I took the decision to leave. He refused to go. I took the children and moved in with family. The house is on the market and we've accepted an offer already! He's unpleasant and his mood changes massively almost hourly, but I'm not living treading on eggshells any longer, and the children and I are all so much happier already. Its still a long road but I really can see much happier times ahead.

Well done OP! The future is brighter for you and your children.

Well done OP.
You've done the right thing.
You are finally free.
There will be tough times ahead but you are strong and you will do it.
You already have!
Keep strong.

Glad you and the DC are happier.

Well done. You've done the right thing for you and your children

Thank you ☺️

If there had been any lingering doubt remaining at all the fact that he made the children leave their home rather than going himself pretty such sealed the deal!