Will life to be better or worse when DH retires

[fortifiedwithtea]

Dh is 55 , retirement is about 10 years off.

Bottom line we do nothing just as a couple. There is no intimacy, not even holding hands or the occasional hug. We are a traditional stay together for the kids couple.

Dh has become a terrible bore. Working from home, set up his office in our bedroom. Speaks to me and oldest DD in management speak. He logged on to work before 6.00am this morning.works all day. Went to bed and he has logged onto the bloody computer again, more work. Told him I needed the light off. After a few minutes he switched. It off but now I can’t sleep. I am typing in the dark so as not to wake the dog in the lounge.

This evening was not great. Our situation got too much for oldest DD . She told him a few home truths like how badly he speaks to her and me and said she was on the verge of walking out and going no contact. She also told him I wanted a divorce (oh fuck) Was not ready to have that conversation.

So assuming this blows over and we go back to quiet resentment of each other what will retirement be like?

Why are you concerned about retirement? It’s 10 years away!

Are you going to stay miserable for 10 years to see if your relationship improves? What if it doesn’t?

Doesn’t sound like your DD is impressed with him either.

Have you both talked about the situation - maybe he feels the same as you?

I would start living your life your way from now - make some decisions, whatever makes you happy.

We are trapped. DH said there were times he wanted to walk out. The first time when my health deteriorated. At that time our SN daughter was only 3 . I have not been able to work since. We

Posted too soon. We have brought our girls up on one income. DH makes a fuss about any expenditure on the house. True there have been times when money was tight. DH is paid very well but we are in an expensive area. The house and garden look very neglected. I can’t do very much as in constant pain.

As if things could not get any worse our SN was diagnosed as bi polar 3 years ago. Her mental state is very fragile. Neither of us can see a time when she will live independently and she has made it clear she never wants to live on her own.

DD1 is an adult and lives with us and so does her partner. Dd1 and her partner would love their own home but can’t afford it . They are miserable with the way way me and DH are. We don’t argue. Emotionally I checked out a longtime ago. But The constant digs, snipes and bickering is miserable.

My options are limited I can not earn enough money to support myself. Because of our daughter’s care needs she would have to live with me.

So we are trapped, no future. Husband totally absorbed In work.

Well it won’t get any better unless he takes up a hobby that keeps him out of the house!

Is he only working from home due to lockdown? If not could you move to less expensive area? How old is your younger daughter and do you get any support from school/college with her?

Yes key worker, working from home as lockdown. But in normal times its no better as he can log in at home. He does extra hours. There is no overtime pay. Its one of those jobs where there are contract hours but its expected that you work beyond to get the job done.

In normal times has many interests and friends but doesn’t ever want to do something with just me. If we go for a meal out our SN daughter comes too. She is 17 years old. In the past when I still cared I suggested we go on a date occasionally. It never happened.

Life sounds really tough for you. I really empathise with your situation, as I am in a similar one My options are limited I can not earn enough money to support myself. Because of our daughter’s care needs she would have to live with me.

I think you need to decide what you want: to reconnect with your H and try to restore some intimacy and affection or try to carve out a seperate life and emotionally detach whilst living under the same roof. Of course you will need to have a discussion with your H and see where things stand with him as the first option would need his cooperation and hard work too. Does he realise how he speaks to you and your dd? I think you both need to work hard to not let resentment come through in your language (bickering etc). Just walk away from conflict, shields up and detach. try to find a way back to some sort of tolerance and "friendship" if nothing else

I think when you are a long term SAHP then the "breadwinner" often comes to view the money as "his" rather than family money and seems to think the SAHP has an easy ride and forgets they too once had a blossoming career. I think he needs to be reminded of your input and sacrifice. Do you think he would be willing to make some practical plan of compromises to try to make the atmosphere better at home?

Your eldest DD might hate the atmosphere at home but I guess it's not bad enough for her and her DP to move out and rent. Are they fully contributing to finances and/or saving for a place of their own. I guess since your eldest and her Dp are at yours that there isn't a spare room to set up as an office with small sofa bed so that your H can go in there when he wants to work late at night. Can your H not go downstairs to work late at night/early morning? If he had his own room perhaps if you can't restore intimacy you could each have your own room when DD leaves.

On a practical front can your eldest DD and her DP do some gardening and sprucing up of the house frontage ? It sounds like you have gotten so used to everything being put on you that you might not think to ask others to pitch in. You say your H has interests and friends (which I presume will resume after lockdown) but do you have any life for yourself seperate from your SN DD and family? maybe you should work on that. It sounds like you really want a bit friendship from him and attention but you might be able to find that elsewhere if he won't oblige.

Your H might work so much to distract his attention form having to deal with issues in your relationship. IMHO Men are great "ostriches" and like nothing better than to stick their head in the sand about a problem. It falls to you (probably as always) to bring up the difficult issues.

Thank you @SapatSea your post has given me a bit of clarity. DH has been much nicer to be a round today. Clearly what was said last night hit home. I know it will wear off but respite is good.